A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm graduating high school in a couple of months and I can't wait to finally start my life! However, I've fallen hard with a former teacher of mine who's 31. I'm legal now and don't want to cause him to lose his job or make him feel uncomfortable so I'm waiting. I really want to have a relationship with him and see where it goes. I think about him day and night, everyday and this has been going on for a few years.Being in love with a man whos unattainable at the moment is hard because I feel so drained and depressed. Many times I try to forget him and let it go but then the pain kicks in and I realize I won't be happy until I have closure or at least a chance! I don't want you guys to judge me and leave obvious comments like "what am I thinking" or go find someone your own age because I'm not at all like girls my age and it isn't right to bash on what I really feel. Everytime we see each other, I can feel him stare at me and I know he likes me but he knows it isn't possible right now. Anyway what I'm getting at is this: What can I do to show him that I'm interested in him and that we should give it a try later on? It seems like we're both afraid and I get so nervous when I talk to him its ridiculous. My heart feels like its going to pop out of my chest and he gets nervous too. Ugh please help. I can't live like this!
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 February 2010):
 oh sorry, me again.. forgot the warnings.
Many older men feel flatered to be loved by a young woman who has just grown into adulthood. They know they are loved, and therefore know she won't refuse them much. Whilst the young girl is dreaming about marriage and kids, and happy ever after, the man can be thinking, "good, she'll give me sex, and she got a great young body". Make sure that you and him are on the same page. There is a big difference between lust and love...
PS: Young women also change over time. Now your out in the world you may find many opportunities for dating and falling in love. You like this guy now, but maybe when your 20 or 25, he may start to look old to you. He's nearly double your age now. In the future you may regret wasting your time with him when you could have been out having fun with the people who are closer to your age. Many people fall in love with their teachers, but it's a different matter when you get them home, just to find out they are lazy, bad tempered and miserable. School teachers put in a performance as part of their jobs. You don't know the real him and what he's really like....
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2010):
oh sorry, you want dating tips.. mmmmm.. ask him out for coffee to catch up on things and say thank you for being a wonderful person and helping you.. that should do for a start.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 February 2010):
When over the age of consent and out of school, all the rules are changed. If the guy is not married, then your two single people, and have every right to date if that's what you both want to do. However, just because you like him, dosen't mean he'll like you back. Do what you normally do when trying to get a date from a man who is single and free to love.
...............................
A
female
reader, this_years_love  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 I went through the same thing as well.Totally attracted to a teacher, very friendly, we were actually close in a non student-teacher way while I was in his class. I knew he had a family and never persued my feelings for him but I did maintain a friendship with him and we'd have lunches together and so forth. If i had a bad day I'd go to him and cry and if he had a rough week he'd talk to me about it. It probably wasn't professional, but I wouldn't go as far as to say it was extremely innappropriate-perhaps given that he was my teacher it was innappropriate, but never sexual or physical or even moderately close.Then graduation night came. I have good memories of that night but it will always be weighed down by what happened. Our whole school went into town to go clubbing-not a very big down so we were all together-and him and I sat together and had drinks and he ended up walking me home, which wasn't at the time something I considered out of place because the school was right next to the street the clubs were on, I lived up the street and around the corner from the school, and he lived furthur down my street...it wasn't a strange setting to be in together.But halfway home we sat down and started talking about everything. Life, family, changing goals and dreams...it all led to him telling me he'd been attracted to me all year and wanted me. I had 'secretly' had a crush on him all year but I have never been able to even fathom having an affair with a married man, and so I had ignored and put aside my feelings. I even had a boyfriend at the time, which he knew. He was, despite all this, quite willing to go home with me and just go from there the next day. I ofcourse told him absolutely not.We talked about it for a long time, hugged it out, and both went home alone. Now I know I did my best at 18 to handle the situation that I'd gotten myself into, but I felt so guilty that he'd even thought that was an option. He was drunk, granted, but to me that's no excuse for being morally corrupt. I lost a lost of respect for that man that night, aswell as a close friend. I questioned everything--when he would help me with coursework, listen to my problems, I felt like it was all because he wanted to get in my pants. I know now that he probably would've given up long before the end of the year had that been all he wanted, but the weeks following that night were hell and I lost trust in myself and my ability to make decisions.I think among the biggest heartbreaks was not just losing a friend, but losing the man I had put on a pedistol as being perfect. I had well and truly been happy with our friendship knowing my crush wouldn't play out and having said what he said that night I felt that he'd taken away the man who had cared about me, listened to me, offered advice, and spent hours of his time explain coursework to get me the grade I needed to get into university. He took away that ideal that I couldn't ever really touch and replaced it with a reality that I could have, but that I would have rather left alone. That hurt me. I felt betrayed, angry, resentful...I was 18 and had to be the adult, and that wasn't fair of him to do to me.I guess what I want to get at (sorry I'm writing this late at night so if it's a bit scattered that's why) is that the man you have in your mind is not who he will be out of the classroom. I considered my teacher a best friend and as soon as the professional barriors were lifted he let me down and hurt me in ways I couldn't immagine possible.I don't think he did it in a malicious way, it just kind of happened. Regardless, he wouldn't have done it had he still been my teacher.The teacher you are in love with is somebody who is in your life on a PROFESSIONAL basis, and they show the side to you that enables them to keep their job. once the prospect of lost respect, career, etc is gone you may see a side of him you don't want to know exists.It's easy to think you'll love him regardless, but I'm only twenty now and I feel too old to have lost my ability to love without condition.hang onto that, because once somebody steals that it's gone.Keep in touch with him, but don't put yourself in a position that could lead to you being hurt.You don't have to be with a pedofile who is going to sexually abuse you to get hurt, think about that.If you do e-mail him/keep in touch, take things slow. Get to know him a little at a time, and keep the ball in your own court--don't open yourself up for heartbreak, and certainly don't try to enter conditions like in bars where things you will regret can happen.best of luck, private message me if you'd like to chat, I'm more than happy to even just listen to frusterations, but I had to get this out first.xx
...............................
A
female
reader, reign154 +, writes (22 February 2010):
wow. i swear this is like im writing to myself. everything that you say you feel happened to me in my senior year of high school and junior year. i had a thing for my friends math teacher and i always went to him after school we would talk,joke, and just relax not have the teacher-student thing between us. Sometimes in the halls i always caught him looking at me and he would always be there for me for my work or just to hang with. I read into this and thought "yeah he likes me so i do i get him to go for it?". i know it may seem crazy but to me it felt like we both were attracted to each other just no one took that leap. when senior year came i guess i was ashame of my feelings for him and started to find anything he did for me to dislike him when in truth all i wanted to do was be with him like junior year. i see exactly where you are coming from. now your teacher sure he may find some attraction to you but even if he does where would it go? you guys would have to keep it a secret? and other teachers would think he is some pedophile chasing after high school girls? now im not saying that it wouldnt work out between you guys becasue thats what i wanted with the teacher. i just wanted him to tell me his feelings but maybe it was in my head or maybe not. i never did find out and now i cant help but wonder what if i took that leap. so i say before you graduate ask him can you stay in touch as friends and then move on from there. you can email and get to know each other and if there is a mutual attraction than you can hang out and take things from there. don't rush anything because you will only get hurt. i really wish you luck with this. i am going back to my high school to redo things with my old teacher and if i still have something there with him than i'm going to go after it and see where it takes me..
xoxoxox. Reign :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2010): You need to understand at your age that first, there are people who know a great deal more about these things based on relationship experience and secondly, although your swept away rightnow you need to critically think this through and evaluate the thoughts of those who have already been through some tough times.
First off, infatuation isn't bad or wrong but can lead to some very troubling things if you don't get it under control. Sure this guy may like you, on a number of levels. I find some younger girls fun to hang around with at work and sure they are attractive but that doesn't mean that they would ever consider a real or physical relationship with you.
Most men at that age, myself included, who are experienced in life and educated are going to want want a woman who can relate to the same things in life, work, common interests, perhaps political or social ones, starting a family and building on a career, and so on. Comparing you to someone tento fifteen years older just isn't possible.
Its not the age thats the problem but the life experience an current goals that go with it. He can;t bring you out with his friends, take you to his families home or even relate to the things your into. You can't talk to him about how your day at work went or how hard it is in the pursuit of a career. You can't relate to the life issues he will be dealing with at that age, and I would hope your not considering kids as a lot of guys at that age are looking to settle down.
These are only a few short examples, but you need to see the bigger picture here. Sure he may be attracted to you, and like the type of person you are, but that doesn't change your difference places in life right now nor does it make you two compatible. Rather then make a fool of yourself, maybe suggest 'staying intouch' and see how he reacts, he may be a nice guy and wish to email you from time to time. Perhaps offer you some life advice as I am here in the future. You cannot assume he feels the same way so intently just because you do...that approach is self cenered.
You won't like what I've told you here, but I am being frank. Sometimes its for the best. Trust me, I am the same age and in the same line of work and these things happen. Just keep your cool and worry about things you need to rightnow like school, keeping intouch with friends and working on the side. If you work well on those things a good guy will meet you one day because you built up a good life for yourself and not because you were young or easy
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 February 2010):
 Driven by desire...
Question time. Why do you assume you'd be bashed on? Why do you justify the reason you feel you should not be? Is it okay to feel the way you do, not just for your teacher, but in general? You are saying, already in the context of being a "we", and not you. This is a distortion, in a way putting the cart before the horse.
I put the questions first because you need to develop being firm with who you are and what you want, instead of assuming the bashing and comparing yourself with other girls. Being of age, and you two were together, would what he does for a living or what other people think really matter? If not, by making statements of assuming how others would see this situation is reducing your ability to make a choice that is good for you as an adult.
So what should you do? You can't demand, force, or make him choose to go out with you. You also can't focus your whole life on what could be or what you'd like to be. I recommend, to protect your interest and his job and interest to not jump into anything. Why don't you, this summer be kind of like pen pals. Ask him if he wouldn't mind you dropping him a note every once in a while. (that means no 10 letters a day), that'd be insanity. Just like, "how has your summer been" kind of things. Appreciate how he has influenced students (if a good instructor). You may do this for a period of time, and if things progress, you may exchange phone numbers. Then, when comfortable say something like, "ah this week has been hectic, I'd like to chat more, can I buy you lunch one day next week?" Then let it progress.
A warning to young teens crushing on teachers: this advice is meant for 18 and older. Young girls crushing on teachers, using this advise will be looked at as being fairly strange. I say that because if a young to mid teen invited me to lunch, I wouldn't take the offer serious.
Take care.
...............................
|
