A
female
age
41-50,
*K8833
writes:Ok, the last time I posted something I was on the verge of leaving my husband. That was about 6 months ago, and then right before I was about to meet with a lawyer he did a complete 180 and has changed so many of the things that I was upset about. This was truly an answer to my prayers because I did not want a divorce but I was not going to continue to live with an emotionally abusive man. He had no idea I was about to leave because I wasn't going to tell him until I had all the arangements in place. He made these changes on his own, and has admitted that he took me for granted in the past. He has really been trying so hard these past 6 months and I am happier now than I have ever been with him and we have been together for 10 years (married for 3). But here's my problem: Emotionally we are in a great place, but physically we are not in a good spot. Before we got married we had sex all the time and it was very spontaneous and pretty hot. Neither one of us is very timid in the bedroom and we had amazing, fun, wild sex. I know our neighbors hated us :) We would take turns initiating things and he was pretty good about making sure I orgasmed too. It's very difficult for me to orgasm through intercourse alone, but with either manual or oral stimulation I don't take too long. Since we got married our sex life has taken a nose dive.HHS never seems to want it anymore. I always have to be the one who initiates things and he no longer seems to care if I orgasm. He has not gone down on me in almost 2 years and he gets a blowjob almost every single time! When I pointed this out to him, he told me I was overexagerating and that he goes down on me all the time. Ummm, pretty sure I would remember that! Our sex life is usually this routine: I give him a blowjob to start things, then I get on top and he finishes inside me. I then will either masturbate to an orgasm while he just lays there or I just give up completely. He used to grab me when I would walk in the door and I wouldn't even have time to set my purse down. Those were the days! We had a good sex life for almost 7 years but now it just sucks. I do try and spice things up, lingere, toys, porn, etc. And it will work to get him in the mood for that time, but after that time it goes back to same ol same ol. I am tired of being the only one who trys to spice it up and I am really tired of always being the one who starts things. I know he works hard and is tired, but he worked just as hard when we were dating and we had great sex then. He is only 33 so I don't think it is his age. We don't have kids so we should be taking advantage of this time that is just us. I really don't think he is cheating on me because I don't know how he would have the time. Plus it is just not his personality, he'd leave me before he cheated, he hates lying and he is awful at it. I honestly don't think it is another woman. I have gained weight since we got married, but my weight has always yo yo'ed up and down due to a medical issue and the different meds I am on. It was never a problem before when I had a few extra lbs on me. And I am not fat, just a little heavier than I was on our wedding day. I still get plenty of male attention from other men when I am out in public so I know I am somewhat attractive. Plus I go to the gym at least 3 times a week and watch what I eat so it's not like I am not trying. My meds just make weight loss really difficult. I love that he is trying so hard to be a good husband to me and to be emotionally supportive in all other areas of marriage, but I want him to want me. I have talked to him about this multiple times and he says it is just a normal part of marriage. I know that in each marriage there will be times when sex isn't the number 1 priority but I can't deal with only having sex once every 6 weeks and only when I initiate it. How do I get him to open up to me and tell me why he doesn't want to have sex with me? Or how do I get him to want to have sex with me more often and to initiate it more often? Also I want him to try and make sure I am taken care of, but I don't know how to tell him this without nagging him. He always brushes me off when I bring it up. I feel like he is being lazy and it is iritating! I miss making love to him and I miss the way it used to be. Please help me, I am open to all suggestions.
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blow-job, divorce, emotionally abusive, in the mood, orgasm, porn, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Holy cow! Where to start...
I'll start with the good things. I'm glad that he's making an effort to appreciate you more. It is a very good sign and speaks well about him and how important your relationship is to him. Things like this take time to fix, and sometimes you need to take the small victories and realize the rest will come with time.
The best thing you can do is continue to be open and honest in your communication. Tell him what you said here. That you are excited that he is making the effort again and you love it, but you miss when he would ravage you at random. Talk about your past and show him the sexual excitement. Maybe some trips down memory lane could spark something.
Honestly, it is probably taking quite a bit of effort to make those changes. That can be stressful and tiring, so it is likely to decrease his sex drive. I agree that once every 6 weeks is no good. I hated it when my ex was like that with me, but I'm a once or more a day guy too, so that was just too extreme of an opposite.
If things were like that for 7 years, then you need to start trying to figure out just what has changed. Perhaps it is something small that you don't realize.
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