A
male
age
36-40,
*ilvers
writes:Hello everybody I have been with my girl for a year. we love each other. but since from early on our sex life has been pretty minimal.only when she drinks she initiates sex. but now she doesn’t drinkwe have talked about it and she says she’s just going through things and it will get better. so in the last 3 months we’ve had sexual maybe 3 times. i’m willing to wait for her but i’m just afraid that if our sex life is like this now what is gonna be like in 10 years. so my question is what the do i do. either how do i get her to have sex with me again or how do i cope with not having sex i’m tired of masterbating hahawhen i ask her she says that she wants to and loves having sex with me but there’s something stopping heri want to talk to her about it but when i do she gets weird about it and i feel like i’m putting too much pressure on her. but i’m about to explode from sexual frustration.any advice?! thanks guys.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2018): I used to go through dry spells as well, but that was also due to my depression I think. But all I wanted was to be swept of my feet, so having a candle lit bath coming to the bedroom to see candles & basically been blown away Is what I wanted. It’s better being put in the mood and working up to it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): My partner and I have had sexual dry spells in the past. Like you, my instinct was to confront her about it. It’s a natural human reaction to try to take what seems like the shortest path to get what you want (in this case, discussing your feelings). But this only made the problem worse. Sex drive can’t be forced... some times it’s there, sometimes not (even when she wants it to be). It could be stress, tiredness, etc. As both you and I have learned, confronting her about it only adds pressure. Even if she makes a point of acting on your concerns, the desire will likely be one sided which could be worse for your relationship than no sex at all. In my case, the problem seemed to be stress and tiredness from work and running errands too much. I found that a relaxing, romantic night in (dim the lights, cuddle on the couch, etc) with no pressure or expectations helped. Or, like others mentioned, there could be a deeper reason. A previous girlfriend of mine had a medical condition that made sex painful. We were together for quite a while before she felt comfortable enough to share this intimate detail.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): Why does it always have to be about sex with you men. It's so old. Such pressure. Maybe inside she's a wise one who sun conscientiously knows that it's not all about you and sex. Get a grip (& not of your cock) put energy into better things than sex. This is not the time to be griping and whinging about libido. Icebergs are melting and wars are happening. It's the end of the world and you're still flapping on about sex .Oh my!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 November 2018):
 Be romantic and affectionate, if she likes that - not in the hopes you’ll get sex, but just to show her love. In a week or so, when you haven’t mentioned sex, jams her KINDLY and SENSITIVELY why she isn’t interested in sex. Don’t whine. Don’t blame. Don’t “why won’t you have sex with me?” and don’t make it about you.
She may have been assaulted or never been interested in sex. She may hurt when having sex. She may be stressed or depressed. She may not be happy in the relationship any more. Ask. If she won’t tell you, you can’t stay in the relationship. That said, it’s not necessarily her fault if she doesn’t feel able to talk to you about it, so if you do break up, don’t moan or blame her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 November 2018):
 I think you need to find out WHY she needs to be drunk to be intimate with you.
If she is "trying" to deal with it, it might be past trauma- rape, abuse or even an abortion that is making sex hard for her to engage in without being drunk.
And while I don't think she owes you all the nitty gritty details, I think you two need to have a more open conversations about this.
And no you won't die from the lack or sex. But you might have to come to the realization that sex isn't as important to her or have the same positive connotations, as it does to you.
That if it IS abuse or rape that she really needs to seek professional help to work through it.
If it's "just" her libido, then I would add some romance (without expecting sex) and see if that makes her libido "perk up".
I don't think that anyone should "just accept" that their partner doesn't want sex. It might be you two are just not compatible with the intimate side of things and then you have to decide, HOW important is sex to me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2018): You may need to ask her if she's pregnant?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2018): Talk to your girlfriend and ask her what's going on? She needs to share what's going on. She has to trust you, or she'll never open-up. It makes no sense that she's withholding problems that are affecting your relationship; unless it's something so bad she fears you could leave her.
Make sure you haven't been watching porn, checking-out other women on social media, keeping in-touch with exes, or bringing-up your old girlfriends too often in conversation. It registers on her brain, and it will not delete; no matter how many times you hit the delete button!
Ask her flat-out if she is interested in someone else? Get that matter out of the way as quickly as possible. Then you need not go any further.
You need to know if it's physical, and she may need to see a doctor. Maybe her gynecologist, if she is having dry or painful sex. If it's emotional, she may need some counseling or therapy. She can't keep you in the dark and waiting. She has to be more transparent; or she's in a relationship by herself, and you don't have to stick around and play guessing-games.
Always try the gentle approach when discussing matters of intimacy. You can't be pushy or abrupt. Ask her what's going on, and just listen.
Get a nice bottle of wine. Light some candles, buy her some flowers. Ask for a quiet sit-down to have a heart to heart talk. Take her out for an evening; sometimes things fall into a rut, and your mate feels neglected. Be gentle and add foreplay to sex. If it's over in five minutes; or you don't finish her off, it's just about you, and she's just a tool to get you off.
Communication and listening is what solves these kinds of problems. You have to let her know that you'll listen when there's a problem; or she'll keep it to herself. If you're the type of guy who belittles her problems, or half-listens; you'll condition her to clam-up and shut you out.
Add romance, kissing, and cuddling to your repertoire in lovemaking. On, off, rollover, and sleep doesn't cut it! Insulting her intelligence, never complimenting her, and only being nice when you want sex is a turnoff. Always forgetting birthdays, ignoring her when she talks, or name-calling; will wear a person down, until they can barely stand your presence. Go down the checklist; if you've done nothing, then it's all on her.
Here's my last guess. She's waiting for a ring. Putting the top on the honeypot is a common remedy for a guy who doesn't seem to have interest in taking things to the next level. You need to get inside her head, or you'll get frustrated; and it will become an issue to fight about.
If she won't share and keeps you guessing; maybe you've reached your expiration-date and the relationship has run its course. Be that the case, you need to know now!
BTW, you won't explode from sexual-frustration! She may have tried many times to tell you, but you weren't listening. Pry it out of her gently using the suggestions above. If nothing works, inform her that you feel there's something wrong with the relationship; and if she can't help you to work it out, maybe you'll have to consider ending it. Use ultimatums only as a last resort. Never threaten to leave; unless that's exactly what you plan to do.
Threats you don't carry-out become passive-aggressive mind-games; and then she'll have a right to kick you to the curb. Sex has already slowed to a trickle. Abuse by means of threats will get you nowhere.
A relationship without trust, openness, intimacy, and communication; is as good as gone!
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