New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

How do I get him to move out? I feel trapped!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 July 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 20 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi. My boyfriend of 4 years lost his job and he had no money and nowhere to go so I said he could stay with me while he sorted himself out. He got a job a year ago and is still living with me and not paying for anything except food because he pays most of what he earns to his ex wife in maintenance for 2 kids. My flat is tiny and was hardly suitable for the two of us and now he wants to bring his 2 daughters for an extended stay so he can spend time with them as they live quite a distance away. The place is too small and he doesn't pay 'rent' and I do not agree with him on this. I have tried talking about it but he refuses to discuss his finances - he says he doesn't ask me what I am doing with my money so why do I do it. I have asked him to move out again as he seems to be doing ok in the job but he just hasn't. He pretends the conversation never happened. Maybe he still can't afford it I don't know but I can't take it any more. I can't have to almost teenagers in my flat for a couple of weeks I have to work and sleep. Please someone help I feel trapped. I was just trying to help him at the time.

View related questions: ex-wife, his ex, lost his job, money, trapped

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (20 July 2016):

Ciar agony auntI pretty much agree with Honeypie except on one point. His finances are every bit your business as long as your supporting him.

And I agree with the likelihood that your relationship will be over once you turf him out. Then again, leeches don't let go all that quickly so I suspect he'll linger about if he thinks there is a chance he can get back in.

I think you'd be happy to have the girls visit if your boyfriend hadn't been sponging off you this whole time.

As I said, leeches don't let go easily so before you say anything to him, get your ducks in a row. Gather up any important documents, photos, anything of sentimental value or intimate nature and secure them somewhere he can't access them. Change any and all passwords to all accounts and change the security questions to something he doesn't know and can't figure out. Inform family and friends what's been going on and the date you plan to have him leave. That way if they came around or call and he tries to blow them off, they'll know to call police.

I hate to toss someone on the street with no notice, but I wouldn't trust your boyfriend not to steal from you or somehow sabotage you or your home in whatever time he has left there.

In the meantime, STOP explaining things to him. The need for personal space and not to be taken advantage of are hardly unique to you. He knows exactly what he's doing and all this needless chatter is just wearing you down. His daughters aren't coming (not even for a day visit). If he wants to see them, he can meet them for dinner. If he wants to host them, he'll have to find his own home to do it in. Those are the rules. He doesn't need to understand anything beyond that.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, bashful3 United States +, writes (19 July 2016):

Hi my husband and I took his nephew in who was homeless out the goodness of our heart we only been married going on 2 years he has been with us off and on 10 months.

Now no we did not have the room I told him you have to work this and that well he now him and his girlfriend are living with someone for how long who knows, he wanted to guess think he could sneak her up in to sleep of nights.

I got mad twice and took all I had not to just put both them out at the wee hours of the morning did not ask or anything asks my husband I let him know first time when he got off from work as always I am sorry aunty well not 2 weeks passed here we go again.

That morning caught him going out the door on way to work didn t I tell you it was late she did not wont to walk home really I told him he had to move out only reason me and my husband let him stay until Friday him and her moving where they are now.

He visits but I told him no more drinking playing music a litte to loud outside I know how things can be what I am trying to say and people some do see as a pushover easygoing but the nerve of him to ask can his 2 daughters move in just like my nephew probably was trying to move her up in here.

Someone mentioned tough love with nephew yes he is the type wont s to do what he wont s no him and his mom my husband s oldest sister made a fool out of him when his mom died no not long as he is with me now trying to get him to take his things to where they are staying like talking to a tree.

You do what you wont sorry so long and you keep me informed on what happened

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (19 July 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt What a nerve. If there's something worse than a freeloader, it's a cheeky , entitled freeloader. His comment that he does not owe you explanations about what he spends his money on would be acceptable IF he paid you rent and his share of bills. But since he does not, he is actually spending YOUR money, the money that he owes to you, or to be precise that he would feel he owes to you if he had a conscience and if he weren't a confirmed moocher.

As for hosting his daughters, while it 's true that if you date a single dad, you have to foresee, in fact to welcome, a certain degree of involvement with his kids, it is also true nevertheless that the laws of physics can't be stretched , and an apartment which is already barely fit for two can't be fit for four. Also, you have any reason to be wary , because the bf too was supposed to be at your place just temporaraly, as an emergency solution.... then he never moved out. So one has to wonder if he is going to suggest / allow his daughters to do the same.

I am afraid that you'll have no option but telling , politely but in no uncertain terms, that it's just time to decamp. It would be time regardless, but the arrival on the scene of his daughters makes his moving out mandatory, non negotiable and urgent. If you had wanted to run a homeless shelter, you could have done just that, and taking in people who needs a free roof on their head way more than he and his kids do.

Of course I realize that , hurt in his pride or in his wallet, he may decide that this is the end between you two. But tbh that would not be an unhappy ending- it would be a blessing in disguise : moocher, ungrateful, manipulative, pushy and bossy.... if you let your brain have a voice too, not just your heart , you'll see that losing him it would not be such a big loss.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (19 July 2016):

Denizen agony auntHoneypie is quite right. You have to tell him you need your space back, and give him a deadline to be out. After that it's a call to the locksmith to change the locks.

If he has money problems due to his support for his previous family then he needs to sort it out with his ex', not you. You aren't there to be his banker.

When you take up with someone you hope it is going to be a partnership but if one party is taking too much for granted then the balance has to be restored.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (19 July 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntYeah well he might not ask you what you do with your money but when he's freeloading and taking the piss of your kind nature you have every right to ask wtf. Money out of your pocket to pay his way is money in his pocket that his ex wife gets off him. So in a round about way you are supporting his ex too. This is your flat not his and he has no right to think he can avoid the situation. Remind him that this was not ever an offer of a permanent living arrangement and now his two teenage kids want to come visit, now is the time for him to move on out into a bigger and more suitable home for his kids. Take it upon your self to get things rolling. get some moving boxes, real estate rental ads. Sounds like he will crack it, but in the long run do you really want to be with this guy who takes you for granted? Up to him...like it or lump it

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntGive him 30 days to move out. Tell him it's NON negotiable and you don't feel there is room to have two added kids visiting for an extended stay..

While I do agree with him that his financial situation is NONE of your business.. he IS NOT contributing (aside from food) and I wouldn't be happy about that either.

WHY have you not told him, look it's time for you to help with the bills/rent/utilities. I doubt the food costs = 1/2 (ish) of the cost of living.

The thing is... if you ask him to move out the relationship is as good as done, so... if I were you I'd break up instead and ask him to GET OUT now. I'd give him a week to pack up and move out.

The reason I say this, is you don't sounds happy. Personally, if my BF was living with me and wanted his kids to come stay I'd be happy to spend time with them, even if the living space is cramped. And you don't seem to like the fact that HE has kids, he would WANT to spend time with them. Almost seems like you resent them and that doesn't make for a healthy relationship.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "How do I get him to move out? I feel trapped!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312320000011823!