A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Over 2 years ago I broke and destroyed my wife's heart by having an affair, at a time when we should have been at our happiest expecting our first child through IVF. On revelation of what happened I cowardly hid the truth in order to save our relationship. I belittled her and let her believe a story of lies. I continued this lie for two years allowing her to have anxiety attacks while her confidence was destroyed and I drip fed moments of truth to her and swore on our daughters life until the truth finally came out.My wife was then and still is a beautiful woman never more so than as a mother to our miracle child. I have always desired her and wanted to grow old with her and no one else. I fell at our first real hurdle, under the temptation of another girl who is not even half the woman my wife is. I regret all of my actions and words at a time that I consider my worst as a man, I quickly realised this however I could not bring myself to tell her the full truth when it initially came out I was scared of loosing everything that we were about to gain.Now she is moving on I want to be happy for her but it's hard. The fall out from a broken marriage is hard on both sides and it's hard to accept it and not get caught up in the jealousy and inevitable mud slinging. My heart belongs to only her no matter how tainted, she deserves to be happy and a stronger man deserves to benefit from the love she has to offer, the personality she has to give and the warmth she has to share. I am no Gerard butler or brad Pitt but she chose me to love and trust and I probably didn't show her enough what she meant to me, and no matter what anyone else thinks to me she is a princess and deserving of a prince.With so much lies, betrayal and mental scarring how do I fix all this someday my daughter deserves two parents happy together
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2015): i am going to take a totally different approach and whether its available for you to read i may never really know though i might check back to see if you commented.You come from a very dysfunctional family and as a result you developed some dysfunctional habits.Your rocj, your darling wifey was just someone who was in the way at the time of the affair.Did you say it was ivf or some other problem.This often drives both parties into silent separate corners with invisible walls that cant be broken through.Hence your need for an afffair.Wife would have been faithful to you as she was trying to get pregnant.Now its not such an issue as she has her baby.But my main point is that this is not what you planned when you first got together.You planned to be together and have a child together.Now that you have a child you are still dysfunctionally applying the rules.You feel you are on stage two of the relationship and you want to maximize your happiness by spending time together.I think this is fair enough.But wife is now thinking uts time to find her independance and get out and meet other men.Again its not what either of you really planned.As for someone thriwing her against a wall that is titally out of order and you should cut all ties with this person as ut is unforgivable betrayal to both of you.Now your daughter is not a toy and cannot be sent back ti the shop.So as you both wished to be parents and now have a chikd maybe you should go to therapy and both set your clocks fir midnight at the same time.Because you are now mr nice and she is miss moving on.If world war three brokw out just over your town who woyld you flee with.If it is wife and baby thats good.If it is baby and you for protection then thats also good.But if its every man/woman /child for themself then its useless.So i think you could rebuild and reconnect through couple therapy if you both wanted to.You would need to unmask your deeper feelings about the early days of the marriage, the religious requirements, all past traumas and abuses and learn strategies for coping and reframing your mindset.I wonder if wife had a previous life of abuse because she seems to have put up with a lot.It is important in either case because you must not repeat the oatterns that messed you both up.That way the child gets a chance of normality.It isnt necessarily a swinging pendulum of wrong and right but more,a question of where do we go from here and how do we make it work in the long term.Normal reality is something you are both trying to avoid.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): You sound like my husband and she sounds like me. Sad, sad, sad in this whole sorry mess that you brought on your family. He is, like you- sorry and wants sympathy- trying to make sense of why he did it and redeem himself in whatever way is possible. To be the man whom I knew and loved. Me just wanting to get through it in whatever way is possible to ease the pain and devastation while holding my head up high. Can't love this stranger who has hurt me so bad but has my husbands face. Caught up in the drama- drama that I never asked for- wanted nothing to do with- and had no choice in! And the innocence of the daughter who did nothing to ask for such dysfunctional parents...It's a long long road and so far, so newly onto this path- it's already tiring- already tedious and enough to last a lifetime.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2015): This isn't about control regardless of how I kept the lie going for two + years. She holds the cards and whatever she decides I have to respect. However I'm human of course I'm going to have emotions and feel shit about it all ending, I don't want it to end I'm not going to try and convince her as it's futile it would only anger her further. Still doesn't change how I feel and how much I want is to try at least somewhere down the line if they means living apart her seeing other people ect then I need to accept that. I have no intention to move on in that way, my goal is to be the best father I can be and always be there for my wife as the best friend I can possibly be. Yes I would absolutely love us to try again but that's for her to decide.
In response to the moody comments: again I'm human with emotions of course it's going to be difficult to play it straight in our unique living situation and I know I should be better.
Once again thank you to all for your comments.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (23 October 2015):
The advice you've received already has been excellent so I won't go over the same things, but one thing about your post struck me. Having been in a similar situation in the past, the thing that would infuriate me most if I were your wife is the fact you are getting 'moody' with her because she wants to go on dates with other men. What a cheek you have!!
You are expecting her to brush the fact you had sex with another woman while you were married under the carpet, but at the same time you give her attitude because she wants to go and have a nice night out and perhaps try to move on?! It was this exact type of control and double standard that killed any chance my ex had of gaining my forgiveness, so I'd seriously suggest you work on getting control of your actions or you'll push her even further away. As Tisha said, you can't control this and trying will simply push your wife further away.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 October 2015):
 I think Tisha-1 is correct, you are so accustomed to being in control that you are trying to manipulate this situation as well, to get the outcome you want.
I also feel sage old guy and the anonymous male are right in reading your question and responses as part of that manipulation, your question does sound as if you are expecting your wife to read it, and I suspect if the answers you were getting were in any way able to be used as some sort of back up to validate you that you would not hesitate to use them to get what you want.
I hope your wife learns to see through your actions, and takes appropriate steps to protect herself from you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 October 2015):
 I read this question and your followups and I have an observation. This has been about your control of the marriage, your wife, the situation, everything.
What you don't seem to be able to grasp or even realize at the moment is that you can't control the fallout from your choices and actions and words.
You can't control the outcome.
You can't control whether or not she might reconcile with you.
You can't control her choice or beliefs or feelings or plans or anything about what she may or may not choose to do.
And the truth is that you never could.
So stop trying to manage her response to you. She has quite a few years of your abuse to wade through.
You can't control this.
And for heaven's sake keep dysfunctional family members away from your child.
Are you panicking thinking that you can't control the outcome?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): I think she's too much in shock and confounded by the whole situation; that she is frozen in indecision and confusion.
Divorce is a scary and ugly word. She is concerned about appearances, embarrassed about exposing the reasoning behind the break, and ashamed to let anyone know how her marriage is damaged and may have failed. She believed quite the opposite.
Don't get your hopes up because she says she misses "us." She misses the illusion of what she thought she had in her marriage. Trust, loyalty, and devotion. So her fear of what comes next, and what decisions she has to make; places her in a state you'll never understand. I've been there, and I do.
Someone asked if it was one slip or an affair. It doesn't
make any difference. It was cheating hidden behind a lie for two long years. Then you belittled her, which means you condescended and berated her. Now suddenly she's your everything. Sorry, that's not how it works.
Be a good father to your daughter; and that will make up for so much. You will find your redemption in being a humble, honest, and forthcoming man. Setting example for your daughter will change any bad perceptions others may have; but most importantly, it will make up for the pain you've caused.
Don't feel comfortable where you are. It is only a matter of time before her shock wears off. She will come to her senses when the reality sinks in. She's a little in denial to give herself the chance to accept what has happened to her marriage. She has to digest the situation in bits.
Predictably, you gave lots of reasons you couldn't do counseling. I expected that. It rarely helps anyway.
My heart goes out to the both of you. I'm tough with my words only for you to see the magnitude of cheating and lying. It's the worst transgression you can make toward your family. Be as good to them as you should. It may not save your marriage, but it will do your family(and your soul)a world of good.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 October 2015):
 Try and let her set the pace. Whether it's for moving on or working it out.
I think right now she is torn on so many direction, and if you "act" moody (as you call it) you might actually push her further FROM you then you intend to.
IF she wants to talk BE honest, be open. She might not believe a word out of your mouth, so be PREPARED to back it up with actions. As in if you SAY you are OK with her moving on, SHOW her that you are OK with it. Because right now, she knows she can't trust what you say, but if both words and actions match it might make her see that you are at the least trying.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 October 2015):
 This submittal "sounds" as if you've written it in hopes that SHE will see it... and "understand" just how devastated you are that you breached her faith in you....
THEN... take a week... .and try to understand YOURSELF... and where, how, when you want to be with this woman.... THEN, print out a copy of this submittal...... and MY "reply" to you... and say to her: "You know, Hunchy-Bunchy, Sageoldguy is right... and I AM a rat.... and now..... if there's any way I can buy my way back in to your heart, please let me know.... AND, I promise not to be a rat, any more..."
That should do the trick...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne other thing, I don't get to tell her properly as she becomes so defensive and starts attacking me with what I did so it's difficult to talk. I have to admit that the last 2 weeks I've been moody de to her urgency to go on a date, I need to accept this and deal with it better
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
We flirted with the relationship counciling however we only had 1 intake meeting each and they wanted one more from us before we were seen together we had to wait 6 weeks for this and the date and times were just too difficult to juggle around work and childcare that it never happened. On my last day at work I tried to organise directly with a counciler about weekly meetings together but by the time I messaged my wife about this she was already moving away from the idea, a couple of weeks later she went on a dating website and within a week had a date.
We also got married in a. Catholic Church, my wife converted but since she found the messages 2 years ago religion has slipped out of our grasp.
I would
Never expect things to be the way the previously were however I have had a tendency to sweep things under the carpet as I'm
Not great with confrontation involving my wife. Letting her see the man I was is almost impossible as the man she married would never do this.
She told me 5 weeks ago that she missed us , I asked is this because we have been laughing and joking together again she said yes but was jelous of other couples and letting me in. I agreed and said I can't try properly as she has put this Great Wall up and in order to break it down it will take time and chance. She told me she was scared to let me in due to feeling embaressed on what others would think and letting me win.
I don't see getting back together as "getting away with it" I didn't get away with anything I wasn't proud of what I did, yes if she never founder messages I have to agree to assume that it may have happened again as it happened initially. I don't walk around feeling proud of myself I hate what I did. And as most have said I need to Learn from this, yup I get it I just want a chance for both of us to try however I know it's all on me to show her and my daughter.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (22 October 2015):
 it will take time, and her seeing you have these regrets, and changes in your life. but don't expect things to be the same as before,trust has been broken and trust will never be the same again. it will be earned, and watched. she may forgive but will not forget. she needs to see the guy she feel in love with. you need to be that gentleman for her again. may i suggest marriage counsel and and a church, with a pastor, preacher to confide in with the both of you. maybe just maybe with her seeing you be willing to take these steps and more you may gain her love and trust. in your letter i can since your regret, broken heart over this. being honest to her, and your self is the starting place. it sounds like you really want a fresh start in healing of the damage and open wounds in your marriage. i wish you the best and hope my comments help.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (22 October 2015):
I have great sympathy for both of you. I have sympathy with your wife because she was betrayed in the worst way and still has to share a house with the person that did it. I have great sympathy (or rather, compassion) for you because you have been completely honest about what you did, and I’ve not seen any attempt on your part to make excuses for what you did. I believe completely that your sorrow and regret are absolutely genuine and that’s why I feel sorry for you and honestly hope that in time you will learn to forgive yourself and recognise that whilst you can’t change the past, what happens in the future is in your own hands. The problem is that you haven’t figured out a way to put it right as you see it yet that doesn’t involve her getting back together with you, even if slowly and gradually and with a lot of counselling and talking. The trouble is, as some of the contributors have said, there is a very good chance that this can’t be fixed. You seem to feel that making it up to her involves putting things as closely as possible back to how they were before the affair and trying to give her the happy marriage and family life you know that she dreamed of.
But I think the hardest thing for you is this: the right thing to do is to tell her that you’re truly sorry and that you’ll make plans to be out of the house and to separate yourself from her as soon as you can and that you have no expectation that she should take you back. This is exactly what you need to do, because if she wants to reconcile it’s her who needs to make that decision and it’s her who has the right to make the choice without complaint from you. You have to follow this up by looking actively for a job and an alternative roof to put over your head as soon as possible. You are fearful of facing up to this because letting go and accepting that there’s no way back will be agony, but in this complicated situation you need to get your head around a simple truth: sometimes in life the right thing to do is the hardest and the most painful. But you will at least know that by walking away decently, your actions will truly show your wife that you’re sorry and, more importantly, when she gets older they will show to your daughter a fine example of taking responsibility for and accepting the consequences of making a really bad choice. And finally, when it comes to your daughter, you can still be a fantastic father. It doesn’t sound like your own family has given you a great example, but if you think that you have to stay in a desperately unhappy house for your daughter’s sake, you’re wrong. She will pick up on the tension. It’s for the best to move out and agree arrangements with your wife.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have zero contact with my mother, she walked out on her only biological granddaughters life and my wife and I are come tell on the same page with this and have been foronger than the incident I mentioned occurred.
I'm Not saying my daughter will not be happy with us apart as we will both be there for her 24/7, there is no talk of divorce at this stage and even any hint of it has been very civil with no money or anger involved. I understand your point "honeypie" and you are correct my apologies unthought you were insinuating physical abuse. I want to be able to let her go and give her some peace as you say however there was a willingness shown over the summer to try and work on things a so mentioned. That seems to have been swept aside now I can't challenge that as its her decision I'll never comprehend what she has and still is going through only she will. When you are so invested in a persons life through friends, money, children, popular culture everything it's difficult to just accept and walk, I want to scratch and claw for my relationship I can accept that the marriage is fucked the vows are meaningless, though when I see we are able to share a joke, time together dinner ect k know deep down we can try and begin again wether it's through dating each other living apart I'm willing to do it all no matter how long. If she meets someone else and spends the rest of her life with that person then I guess so be it I'll always be there for her and that's probably amplified through guilt of what I did to her so I'll feel like I've always got something to prove.
Thank you for your opinion and comments
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 October 2015):
You may not call it abuse.. But it is. MENTAL abuse.
And I will quote you:
"I belittled her and let her believe a story of lies. I continued this lie for two years allowing her to have anxiety attacks while her confidence was destroyed and I drip fed moments of truth to her and swore on our daughters life until the truth finally came out."
THAT ^^ right there is mental and verbal abuse. Abuse isn't "just" someone hitting another person or yelling/screaming at them - it's the systematic tear down through LIES and WORDS. THAT is what you did.
If done right BY both parents a child can grow up JUST fine with her mom and dad not living together. Specially if they are BETTER OFF not living together and no matter how sorry you feel NOW about your words and actions.... your wife may be much much better off without you.
Here is the thing. What you did caused a domino effect in your wife. Emotionally and mentally. And I quote you again, the same sentence... "I continued this lie for two years allowing her to have anxiety attacks while her confidence was destroyed".
And then there is your follow up - so your PARENTS abused your wife too? My heart breaks for your wife. I'm sorry, she seems to be have in some kind of personal Hell! your STEPFATHER threw her up against a wall? WTH?
I'm not saying you are bad bad man, I'm saying you don't really seem to comprehend that you can't fix this.
Like I said, domino effect. First she lost her trust and faith in you. The more you lied the faster that went downhill. Then at some point you jabbed that dagger in there making her think SHE was imagining things? Then to such an extent that she had anxiety attacks? And you say you weren't abusive?
But let's get back to the dominoes. Once a person loses trust and faith in a partner other areas starts to drop off or fade away. Like love, attraction, caring. And the person is left feeling hollowed out with nothing left to give.
My guess your wife is giving ALL that she DOES have left, to her child.
I grew up with a cheating dad. My mom and dad stayed together for us kids, but I know how it tore at my mom and I DO think she would have been SO much better off divorcing my dad. They DID make it work after us kids moved out, but it was definitely not the same. It was a shell of a marriage. I think my brother and I would have been better off with my dad living elsewhere growing up. Because? My mom would have been a happier person. And maybe my dad would have been happier too.
And yes, I love my dad, no doubt. But my MOM deserved SO much more. So does your wife.
She deserves to NOT be around your parents if they treat her with such contempt.
She deserves some PEACE and happiness and the chance to raise your daughter without feeling forced to pretend. A family is what you make it. So make it good even with being NOT together.
Keep being civil. LEARN from this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDifficult to respond to everyone's answers but I'll try and fill
In some gaps.
Absolutely appreciate and respect everyone's opinion and in now way is this a sympathy question.
The reason we still live together is during this breakup since June so much has gone down with my family, my mother decided to play me against my wife by telling me 2 years later that she said she would kill herself and our unborn daughter at the time. I didn't believe her as I know just how much carrying a child meant to my wife, it's all she ever wanted no matter how fragile she was at the time. Plus why would you leave someone alone in the house after they have told you this. My mother tried to deny she said this to me in front of my wife and I while my step dad bathed troughs the door and threw my wife against the wall. 2 weeks later my aunt died and i learned of some dark family severest about my sisters abuse by my parents
my wife and I had a small reconciliation around this time although I never pushed anything. So I basically have no where to go we have no family child care for our daughter and I was also made redundant 4 weeks ago. which makes things harder. In amongst this time we did look at counciling but it never really took off as our jobs and care for our daughter stopped us being able to attend meetings together, by the time I had arranged weekly direct meetings she had moved on from the idea.
Yes the affair was more than a 1 time deal. I started confiding in this girl at work after a long period of time where my wife just seemed to stop communicating like she did previously, this girl was a friend at work and things just got heavier and heavier. We messaged each other up to 20 times a day some sexual some just "can you cover this shift" ect my wife went home down south for a week that's when I slept with the girl twice, there was no plan to it, yes our flirting and messages had led to the act, I stopped both times as I no mater how much the moment took me, sexually I lost my arousal.
Yes my wife asked for every detail like what was she wearing where were you what did you do ect this was only more fuel for the fire.
Anothe point someone made, so I want to get back together for ego? No the shame is already out she posted all my actions all over Facebook in a admitted moment of madness, I need to deal with the fall out and the judgemental feelings people will have and take responsibility for the failure. I want my wife and I together because she's my best friend because no matter what happens how many bad days or good days she's everything to me. If it was a s easy as just move out tomorrow and give her space and perhaps in time we could try again I would but we are stuck I. Thai situation and financially together.
Other than when the full details came out in June and shit hit the fan we have argued probably twice since once because I tried to talk to her ( we had had a few glasses of wine) the other recently as she had gone on a date and used friends to cover up where she was going. We have sniped at each other a lot this past week or two mainly my fault for not dealing with her urgency to date all of a sudden and I should be better than that. So not get me wrong we are fantastic together when it comes to our daughter. Like I said in a previous message we are able to live in the same house, cook , play and spend family trips in days off together I think this is very mature and unique however that's just both our commitments to protecting our daughter.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): Sorry this just reads as insincere. Something that you wrote on purpose to later show your wife and go 'look how much I care'.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (22 October 2015):
 Like a broken vase, you can fix it but your marriage will ALWAYS have a weak spot, should she decide thats what she wants of course. Things might improve but what you once had is gone.
I have to ask, and in NO WAY am I discounting the affair, but was this a one off romp or on going? Because IF it was a one off there may be more hope for the marriage than the painful nightmare of having to deal with the brutality of knowing it was an ongoing affair.
Your head is spinning and will be for some time, a long time, so I think it would be very wise not to be trying to negotiate forgivness and reconciliation based on your daughter needing to be brought up with two parents. That argument will be null,void, and a very infuriating attempt at emotional blackmail. Certainly not to your advantage when A: you are the cheater and no. 1 reason of family break up and B: you have already used your daughter as an emotional tool for your own deceptive line of defence.
Living under the same roof,in my opinion, going to make thing all that more difficult. You are the living, breathing, in her face day to day reminder of her pain and the OW. Unless she has asked for you to stay, why are you there because I think the first step in her recovery is giving her the time and space to go thorough the stages of recovery. 4 months is too early for anything. She will still be in the trauma stages, not even close to getting where you want it to be. Then there is denial,obsession,anger,barganing, sadness, and if you are lucky acceptance.
She has to deal with all that before even having to deal with you. Believe me, deal with you she will. Now thats where you get to relive all the shame and accountability of being honest when she asks, why did you do it? how could you do it? when you did it? how many times you did it, what did you do with her? what did you do to her? what did she do to you? - that I'm afraid is the nature of the beast. You won't be in a position to be suggesting "she just needs, to get over it" either because that is for your benefit rather than her need to get to where she needs to be. That place you want her to be.
Your in for a long hard road buddy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): OP, do you honestly think your wife should give you a second chance? Do you feel that you deserve that? Do you feel that you are capable of making her happy? Do you think you could be a good husband?
Why are you trying to get her back? For purely selfish reasons since clearly you can hurt her and have done so 'at a time when we should have been at our happiest'
If you were you wife's sister or friend, would you advise her to take you back?
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (22 October 2015):
 Hi again,
i was thinking about monogomy vs polygomy.
There are many out there who prefer one to the other, but there are those out there, who lean toward both, hence those who are into threesomes, swinging, etc;.
There are many species within the animal kingdom, that are monogomous by nature and other species that are not.
When it comes to homo sapien (man), it is known that he was not necessarily monogomous by nature, but by choice.
In Neolithic times, accounts tell us that many pre-historic men, went out to sow their seeds with as many women as possible, in order to pass on their genetic indentity.
In modern times, the urge is still there for many men, however, modern man makes a "choice" to remain monogomous with the one he chooses to be with, to love and to commit to.
This is a "choice" that man has grown accustomed to doing and it can/does work for most modern men.
It is an innate, biological need/urge for man to sow his seeds, as far and as wide as possible, in order for survival of the human species, however, in this day and age, most men make the civil and sensible choice to find one woman of preference, to commit to her only and to settle down and create a family of his/their own.
Most men who are in a happy and monogomous union, do enjoy that role and they are within their comfort zone, with the right person, so they don't feel the need/desire to play the field.
Just because many studies have been conducted which say monogomy isn't the norm, doesn't mean we have to indulge in polygomous activity.
Having an affair, is no different from being polygomous, because in essence, one party within that monogomous union, has decided to become intimate with somebody outside of that union.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 October 2015):
From your followup: "My point is I'm desperate to right the wrongs I can't change the past and I've shown over the last 2 years that we can be "us" again the that can be mended it's the mental scar that's the problem
From my point of view the problem is your inability to recognise the enormity of the damage your behaviour has caused, the mental scar that you refer to as the problem will never heal, take it from one who knows. The fact you SWORE ON YOUR CHILD"S LIFE and LIED! is, from where I sit, nothing less than disgusting.
You say you were never abusive and yet in the same sentence you admit you cheated and manipulated and used your daughter. OH HELLO, HELLO that is downright ABUSIVE!
You abused her, you abused her to the point you caused anxiety ..... and your form of abuse is just as bad as, if not worse, as the abuse that results in visible black eyes and broken limbs.
There will be no going back to what you had with her from what you have done to that woman, not a chance in hell!
Do her a big favour and act the decent man for once and move out of that house and let her get on with the very long and painful task of healing herself.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (22 October 2015):
I wanted to add,
there are many people, who do forgive their spouses for making such mistakes, however, more often than not, these are people who don't have a good sense of themselves, or their own self-worth, hence tolerating and accepting such abuses of trust and betrayals.
Most often anyway, even in marriages, whereby two people have decided to continue with it, for whatever reason, it is never the same and many often end up fizzling out and coming to an end, still.
When a person knows who they are, when they have a true sense of themselves and their own self-worth, then they are strong enough and smart enough to see and know, that they won't settle for anything less than ideal.
If your wife chose to remain with you, she would be doing herself a huge disservice, as she truly does deserve much better and surely you must know this.
Your wife is a strong woman, with strong values and morals and she knows that she deserves better, so she is moving on with her life and you should be very happy for her.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (22 October 2015):
I will have to be brutally honest with you here.
I cried whilst reading your msg, i absolutely cried!!
I am a woman who has gone through this nightmare and let me tell you, a woman never gets over it, she just gets on with it, similarly to the death of a loved one.
I believe in forgiveness, because it benefits the victim greatly, however, to forget what you did to your beautiful wife and how you hung onto this disgusting lie, for 2 years, well.............................
If you truly loved your wife, you would NEVER and i re-quote, NEVER have had an affair behind her back, period!
No matter how tempting any other woman may have been.
Everybody has the occassional temptation, but everybody doesn't follow through with those temptations.
It's called, "SELF-CONTROL".
I always say, if a man knows within his heart, prior to marriage, that he isn't able to be 100% faithful to his wife-to-be, then why even get married and make that full on commitment?!
Your wife didn't tie you by ball and chain and force you to marry her.
It was YOU, who chose to marry her and you should have shown/given her the utmost respect that she deserves as a woman and as a totally giving, loving and TRUSTING wife.
You even went as far, as to swear on your daughters life.
Honestly, may i ask you, do you have no shame?
I consider marriage the absolute commitment, as well as millions, if not billions of other people out there and i know as humans, most of us mean well, we don't enter into marriage planning to commit adultery, however, being human means we make errors of judgement, or huge mistakes, but this doesn't mean it is excusable, no way!
There will be repurcussions and consequences, when such things happen.
I am newly married, but i made darn sure that i was marrying, "the one" and he too, actually, so we are free to move forth with honesty and total commitment.
We both agreed, prior to our marriage that we would never fool around and actually, neither of us are that way inclined anyway, so we realised that we were well suited.
My husband had been twice divorced prior and i had never married, so we both had to be 100% certain.
Unfortunately and with all due respect, you made your bed and now you must sleep in it.
Remember what you wrote, you not only slept with another woman behind your wifes back, but you actually carried this serious lie within you for 2 long years!
When a man tells his wife that he loves her, then does such a thing behind her back, how can he truly say he loves her?!
Again, when you truly love, cherish and adore your spouse, you wouldn't even dream, nor dare to have sex with another woman/man.
Many may ask, what did the other woman have that your wife didn't have, or couldn't give you?!
A so called, 15 min fling, has led to a lifelong marital commitment, being damaged irrevocably forever.
How very sad.
You say your wife is beautiful and you've always desired her, yet obviously "not enough" to be truly faithful within your marriage.
Didn't she make you happy enough, in certain areas of your marriage?
You then felt the need/urge, to be with another woman and btw, a woman who played it as cheap as you did.
I don't know whether or not, you told this other woman that you are a married man, but if you did and the two of you, still decided to sleep together, well, that really does make things even worse and even if you didn't tell her, didn't you feel truly guilty for going ahead with the deed?
Obviously not.
There are so many questions, pertaining to what you did to your wife.
I am not your wife and this has truly saddened, upset me, so we can only imagine how hurt and utterly betrayed, your wife must be feeling.
Please do yourself and your wife, the biggest favour and honour.
Allow her the space/freedom to go her own way, to grieve and to come to some sort of closure over this nightmare, if at all she ever will sadly.
You and she can still be great parents to your child, but why stay within a marriage that is now broken and impure?!
You "chose" to break, the sanctity of your marriage vows to your wife.
It is that simple! No matter what anybody says, whether they be religious, or non-religious, you broke your vows to your wife and you lied to her, to save yourself from the inevitable loss, that you would eventually have to face.
why did you wait so long, to tell her the truth?
Because you knew you screwed up and you knew you'd end up losing your wife.
On a final note, let this be a huge lesson for you to learn and grow from.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): This is one of those times when the person asking the question on Dearcupid should just show their partner what they wrote to us.
Your wife is probably never coming back to you. But restoring a civilized & friendly long term relationship with her would be a very good thing to do for your daughter's sake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): First you have to realize the magnitude of what you've done.
If you re-read and digest the first-half of your post; you have to realize how deeply you destroyed trust in your marriage. Like most men who cheat, they have a lot of remorse and guilt; but never seem to have the revelation of what they had until they've lost it. Then jealousy, their sense of entitlement, and possessiveness suddenly decides they don't want another man to have the woman they've cheated on and emotionally damaged. Then the question is, do you want her back to protect your ego? Or can't you stand the thought of her with somebody else? Happier!
Your remorse should be considerable; because lying to the person you swore vows of fidelity,(and accepting hers in return) can't be taken lightly. Marriage is monogamous and a serious commitment, you don't/can't set aside for convenience. Then rationalize on a moment of weakness as an excuse. That's a hell of a trade-off! A whole marriage for a few minutes of doing the nasty with someone who could give a sh*t about your wife. As wonderful as you claim she is.
People preach about the sanctity of marriage, but do they really see and appreciate the profundity of such true human bonding? They would deny some the right, but divorce is rampant all the same. Cheating topping the list of reasons.
No one says you can't co-parent your child with her; but it would be best that you didn't try to win her back. I read your post twice; and it was hard to see how you could belittle your spouse, and not realize what you had before you threw it all away. I just think moving on is the best thing for her, and you. Two years is a long time to be deceitful. You selfishly hid your betrayal to save face and your own skin. You were right in assuming how devastating a blow it would take to your marriage. As we are discussing this matter between us, she is still absorbing the blow. Imagine what goes through her head day to day, and how crushed she feels? It took me a very long time to recover from the hurt and to regain my trust when I caught my partner having sex with someone we met at a party the night before. I did forgive him.
If my present boyfriend cheated. He would not be given the same outcome. I would leave him. For good. He means a lot to me, and to hurt me like that can still be forgiven. He would not be given the same chance I gave my first. I would not stay. That's a once in a lifetime deal for me.
Even after forgiving someone I caught in the act. The difference is, he didn't have the opportunity to hide it. Would I have forgiven him if I had found out about it much later? No, I don't think I would have. It's one thing to cheat...then lie about it? Hide it? Keep it from me for all that time, while he took advantage of my ignorance? That would have upset me greatly. It would have shown me how well and how long he could live with such a lie. My conscience would eat me alive. I'd confess out of stress alone. I doubt I could trust him again after that. He proved himself to me; but my being a forgiving person, was luck on his side. I was very young then. That was then, this is now. It wasn't only sex. It was flat out betrayal.
Disrespect for my trust. No regard for my feelings.
You know, I rarely advise marriage-counseling; because I feel people have to be able to work it out, or let it go.
It just seems like delaying the inevitable; because you can so easily go through the motions and pretend just to manipulate the outcome you want. It takes so much effort, and people rarely equalize the commitment. Using the counselor as a referee, and wasting much time, money, and usually divorcing anyway.
The ball is in her court. You should offer her an amicable divorce, share in the financial and emotional obligation of co-parenting; and allow her to move on to find someone better for her as a husband. Your credibility is shot.
I didn't say you shouldn't be forgiven. Just not given the second chance to break her heart and destroy your family.
You may as well be free to do as you choose. Considering marriage didn't stop you. Then you hid it.
I have no say, or have no way of predicting how things could turn out. It's just that I've heard the same words so many times from men who have done exactly what you have.
We are all capable of weakness and mistakes; but it takes real character to honor your vows and resist temptation. Honoring and valuing the trust that is placed in your hands. She literally gives you her heart and trust. To have and to hold. I've fought and fight temptation. I have many weak moments. Even after he cheated on me. I valued what I had, and knew how hurt I felt. It taught me something valuable.
One man I thought I loved dumped me, but he at least told me he thought I deserved better. He was right, and I found better. The relationship where the cheating occurred, lasted a total of 28 years. We were teens when we first met. The cheating happened five years in. I caught him some hot guy together on my expensive linen sheets. I looked back on the first five-years, and I was able to forgive him on his past history. Had he cheated, hid it, and lied to me; that would have only made the cheating worse. Having to learn about it long after the fact; while he used my ignorance of the truth against me. It would have hurt me so much more.
So you decide what you think would serve her best, and how you might handle this; so that she receives full restitution for what was stolen from her. Her home, her family, and the happiness she thought she had with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Honeypie" "Aubrey bim bim".i absolutely appreciate both your replies, ifI'm honest I don't get to Talk About this much so any view is appreciated. I was never abusive towards my wife. I lied, I cheated I manipulated the truth and yes I used my daughter as a way to validate my lie. I'm not proud of any of that whatsoever. We are very civil when it comes to our daughter and are able to spend 2-3 family day outs a week together (I didn't mention we stil live together even after 4 months since this finally came out) that shows our commitment to our daughter and we absorbed sign off the same hymn sheet when it comes to her. As for me moving out, divorce ect yes I know this is all imminent, but you say our daughter wouldn't know any difference I can't tell you from someone that came from a broken home as well as my wife, she will. My point is I'm desperate to right the wrongs I can't change the past and I've shown over the last 2 years that we can be "us" again the that can be mended it's the mental scar that's the problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2015):
You can't fix this one. But you CAN start by respecting your wife's choice to NOT want to be with you any more.
Cheating in itself is a pretty messed up thing to do in a marriage, but you systematic abuse to cover your OWN ASS is an unbelievable cruel thing to do.
If you love her like you say you do... (cause you actions SURELY says differently) then SET HER free. Let her be free to find, met and be her that "prince" of men she deserves - THAT... no matter how you twist it... is not you.
And it's quite possible for divorced parents to ACT civil and do what's right for a child. They do not have to live together or stay married. Since the child is so young, she won't know the difference. And I think if ANYTHING she is better off not growing up watching her dad be abusive, manipulative and cruel to her mother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2015): I think you have to admit you've truly mucked up...I mean big time. She won't want you back and do you, in your heart, think you deserve her back?You swore on your daughters life, a daughter that took IVF to bring to this world and you swore on her life knowing you were a liar and a cheat. You have to accept she will never trust you again, but you can learn from this.Never repeat your actions again. When you one day meet another woman and want to share a future with her, never repeat this utter mess. You can't fix what you did to your wife, but you can make sure you don't ever mess someone around like that ever again.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 October 2015):
Oh, you showed her enough what she meant to you, by having an affair and then following that up with two years of belittling, lies and allowing her health to suffer to such an extent she had anxiety attacks.
You also swore on your daughter's life, whilst all the time knowing you were lying through your back teeth. Let me repeat that .... you swore on your daughter's life, whilst knowing you were lying. Such little regard shown for your daughter's life, and for telling the truth!
As for 'fixing' this, you need to realise some things just cant be fixed, and, to be frank, if you think she deserves a prince, well that aint you!
Children do not need their parents to be together to be happy children. You cannot fix your daughter's mother, the lies, betrayal and mental scarring will take time to grow scabs over, I doubt very much your ex wife will ever completely heal.
The best thing you can do is accept that the marriage is over, stop making this all about you and start thinking about your child, and the example you have been setting her. Is the man who cheated and lied and belittled the sort of man you want her to have as a father?
Be there for your daughter, and negotiate, through a third party if necessary, for the best outcome for her when her parents don't live together.
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