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How do I fix my severe insecurities?

Tagged as: Age differences, Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 October 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

hi there. i have a problem and its something that on mind 24/7. ive met this guy who is the only person since my first love that i was giddy and excited with butterflys. were doing a long distance relationship. he is 4 years younger than me ie 19 and i worry he will make mistakes ie cheat on me or things like that.. nothing indicates that he would.. so why do i think about it is it just severe insecurities..and how do i fix this.. ive been cheated on and things so i know thats why i think about it at all,.. i wanna trust him and not ruin a good thing.. something that stuck in my mind was a friend had the same thing happen to her and now her and my friend are together and she cant believe she got a good guy and he really is.. i want to enjoy this and not mess up something that possibly could be the best thing in my life.. ive had a lot of bad things happen lately ij ust dont want anything else bad to happen... hes away on holiday and i worry he will meet maybe get drunk and things happen .. but before he went on holiday it was fine i wasnt that worried about this i feel like im a wreck..i know things happen for a reason and their is no ying without yang perhaps im just being impatient for answers i seek..i really do like him and he says he does me i dont see anything wrong other than my worrys whats your solution to my problems ? thanks in advance LA

View related questions: drunk, long distance, on holiday

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009):

It's my opinion, that insecurity in a relationship is based all on one's fearfulness. And more often, it's that ole fear of rejection, rearing it's ugly head. Believe me, you are not alone on this. I think every human on the planet, has endured this in some form at some point in their lifetimes.

Counseling may help you understand and work on the past baggage/troubles in your life, that have caused you to think you are unlovable. Because that is the anchor that is holding you down here. You think you are not loveable, enough. Believe me are! You have to believe that about yourself. And when you do, a whole new happier, more positive life perspective opens up. When you love yourself, you are strong, you are smart, you use rationale, you are confident and you set boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. And with the self-love, the self-respect follows. When you have self respect you expect to have a quality relationship with another, one with integrity. When you do that, you are telling the other person you are a secure person and they in turn, will respect you for that. And from that respect, comes the trust, then comes the love builds, and it becomes more and more solid, over time. Another thing about self-love? Your head rules, not your heart. Your common sense lets you know that you don't need the crap that others will do to hurt you. And that strength enables you to let go and move on no matter how it pains you because you know, that around the corner...there will be another potential, wonderful person to share your life with. You always never, ever fear being lonely, you carry on developing your independence, creating a positive, great life for yourself. You don't depend on another person to give you a life...never. You simply look towards a bf to share your life and good times with you....someone you can communicate with, someone you can call your best friend, someone you can be totally yourself, every minute with. Isn't that what a relationship truely is. It's simply .a sexual, romantic relationship with your best friend, one lucky guy, you have chosen to be your companion.

So being needy, insecure and jealous is not a healthy way to conduct a relationship, because others see that in you and they turn away. If you are this way, you need to work on changing your worldview and how you think. Because jealousies, and neediness will always, always cause a relationship to self-destruct. Just a different perspective and maybe something to think about. I do wish you luck in achieving that self love, that is required to stay in this relationship without all this angst and pain of insecurity. It's simply a change in attitude and how you view yourself. Good luck hun.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (10 October 2009):

Was there anyone or anything your past that left you feeling that you couldn't trust someone? Usually, this is the problem. Think carefully abut your past and see if there is someone that let you down. Then maybe talk through how you feel with your boyfriend, and explain to him that you're feeling a little insecure. Hopefully he'll listen to you. Work through your problem with him.

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A female reader, pinktopaz United States +, writes (10 October 2009):

It's natural to have some worry about someone that you're in a relationship with when you don't see them as often. I think a lot of people have been cheated on (including myself and it wasn't a LDR) and the hard part is trusting again.

You just have to remember that with someone new you have to leave your baggage from the past behind and be trusting with the new person. Not everyone is the same and you can't compare. Also, if you compare these past issues onto the new person it will drive them away. There's only so much you can do as you cannot control another person and their actions. What you can do is be yourself, be open, and trusting; and hopefully the other person can respect you for that and acknowledge that you do trust them and would not want to hurt you.

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