A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid at this point of time I feel like a complete loser at love..my previous bad experience was when I was dating this guy for Abt 2years and he finally came n told me he was going to marry his relative or some girl then his parents chose from him..from then on I was such a third party and always wanted the best for him so I let him go..I was extremely hurt but it was a ldr and we Oni met a few times..it still hurt badly because he started speaking of his girlfriend and I get my heart literally hurt ..next this guy that I knew before..we dated and even said things like we liked each and stuff ..I met him after a long long time and realized he became huge..like very very big and I cudnt feel anything towards him anymore..I know I'm a selfish bitch but that's exactly how I felt.after a couple of months I started to feel like everyone around me was getting attached and I called this guy up again but it was too late he was already getting engaged ..this was in August..two weeks back he called me n Said things were not working with his fiancée ..we met a few times and talked for hours..Mostly him complaining abt his fiancée not communicating with him and me kind of being there for him.. I started to like him again..now things have become ok with his fiancée and he did not even mention it to me..I just didn't get any calls from him ..I feel like a loser always there for guys who treat me like an option ..I have made mistakes as well but several times it's just me being an option consoling others probs and still single..will I ever find someone who will love me and I don't have to be that third party consoling friend kind of thing?sick and tired of this!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): They treat you like an option because you treat them like an option too. You reap what you sow. You know? You don't even really like these guys. You hang with them because they are your only option. Like the overweight guy? C'mon! You would have been perfectly happy without him...that is if you'd had other suitors. But you didn't. So you settled for the ONLY thing available. You weren't even attracted to him. You know that quote, "to have good friends, you must be a good friend." ? Same goes with lovers.
If you want to meet a guy who sets you apart then by the same token focus on a guy that you genuinely like that you set apart.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): Your problem is that you have a problem moving on once you realize the relationship has taken a turn. You could see it coming, but you waited it out instead of bailing out when you say the warning signs. Your problem is bad-timing, and your choices among men.
The first guy was probably engaged to another woman; while actively dating you. His parents didn't just pick some random female, and force her on him. It was a plan in-effect during the time he was with you. He probably warned you all the time you were together that he was bound to his cultural or religious traditions. I bet he never introduced you to his parents, or your relationship was kept in secret. He probably did things with you that were not allowed according to his beliefs.
If his parents had chosen him a wife, that is something that is done long in advance. I venture to guess he told you he was betrothed to another on the onset. You figured he'd choose you over the other. Let me take another guess, it was a long-distance relationship? He spent a lot of time away from you?
In the second situation you described, he already had a fiance. It should have been a clue he still cared for her, if she was all he ever talked about when he was with you. So you should have withheld your feelings. He only came to you as a friend and a shoulder to cry on. You let your feelings prevail over your judgement. Dismissing the fact he was already taken. Bad call, wouldn't you say?
In neither of these scenarios does that make you a loser.
You simply had unfortunate timing. To consider yourself a loser, I think you'd have to fail a lot more than twice. Give yourself a break. Stuff happens.
I think the majority of us mortals experience bad-timing or end-up being passed over for someone else many times before we hit the jackpot. We go through a series of dates, trial relationships, and total failures over the course of our adult love-lives. That's life's preparation for the final outcome. You eventually meet the one meant for you. The cruel thing about that is; it can be a long and frustrating journey. In the meantime; you're gathering experience, and
hopefully learning from your mistakes. You establish what it is you expect from a partner, you learn things about human-nature, and you gain tools of survival. You should never allow pessimism to enslave your joy. You're free to do as you please and not worry about anyone but yourself for now.
It's nice to be carefree, and under self-maintenance now and then. Put up your sign, "under renovations and repair!"
Those two guys stole a chunk out of your life. Now go fill it with things you enjoy. Replenish your spirit. Love finds it's way to you in her own way, and in her own time. You can't stand and watch a bud bloom into a flower. It takes patience. It happens when it happens. It might take time. Love is the same.
Your post is a testimony that you've come to realize you've placed yourself in situations where you were playing nurse-maid or stand-in girlfriend with guys meant for other women. Well, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off; and you're ready for another challenge. You don't know when the right person will come along; so you keep dating and enjoying your youth while you still have it.
I think a good percentage of women writing to DC put too much of their energy into searching for a man, and not enough into enjoying their lives and improving themselves. Travel, find enlightenment, learn new things, and flirt with whomever you please. Be visible and available. Hold your heart, until you get enough back to give it away.
You want to look back on life someday in your old-age, and be able to say you had a good-time; and you didn't let a few mistakes throw you completely off-course. There are millions upon millions of men on this planet. You're bound to run into one sooner or later. You were put on this earth to be more than someone's girlfriend, wife, or mother. You're a woman, and you should also do things that bring you joy and fulfillment. If guys haven't done that for you, then you have been distracted from your destiny; and these failures will set you on a new path.
Now take some time for you, and stop worrying about having a man. Like I said, it's hard to throw a rock without hitting a guy somewhere! Your happiness is in your hands, not in the hand's of some man.
So far, they haven't helped you have they? Now be your own nursemaid, and treat yourself to some joy. Enjoy being single and just date for fun, and not just to snag someone to cling to. It's inevitable you'll find a guy who'll stick around for awhile. Don't sit around wasting time pining over men, when you've got so much life you haven't lived yet.
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