A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I find out if my partner is cheating? My partner and i have been together for 2 years. Lately, he has spoken of moving in together yet emotionally we have become very distant from one another. I have problems trusting him, which became even worse when his Mum said I should visit them more often as he has been spending so much time over my house. However, he hasn't been at all! He didn't know his Mum said this and I haven't been able to confront him yet.His Mum is very neurotic/domineering at times and to keep the peace he tells her is staying with me when, in fact, he is out drinking with a friend. He covers up where he is going because his Mum goes mad if she smells alcohol on him (her Dad was an alcoholic and she doesn't want my bf to end up the same way). I can see both points of view, but whereas my partner used to tell me that he would be lieing to his Mum about it now he is covering it up because he knows that it makes me unhappy.I don't have a problem with him drinking with a friend but I don't like the lies. I have told him this. We haven't seen each other much at weekends lately and because of what his Mum said I contacted him asking him where he's been at the weekends. He claims that he has been working, but then why has he been telling his Mum that he is over at my house if he is just working? I don't know what to say to him now - do I come clean about what his Mum said, or say I don't believe what he says about the working?. I want to tread carefully but let him know that I am not a walk-over.
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female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Hi there, it seems as if you care very much for your boyfriend. But the fact is, if you can't trust him, it is not a good relationship. My suggestion is that you go out for breakfast, hopefully everyone will be sober and have a clear head. Lay out what you want to say to him, do not be accusatory, you will make him defensive. Let him know before you start that you care very much about him, but you have noticed a change and you want to know what it is. Is there something on his mind, is he worried about some particular thing? Try to get him to open up, talk about yourself and how things have been affecting you. You need a better sense of intimacy, without beating him up, he seems vulnerable, people who drink usually have insecurities, which they drink to cover up, or some pain that is gnawing at them, if you go gently, hopefully he will open up and let you in.
I don't think he is cheating but there is a reason he is drinking, you need to try to help him, so do your best to get him to tell you what the problem is. Do not mention his mother, that may be the problem, from his childhood. Mothers have a profound impression on sons, for better or for worse. Good luck, but don't keep holding it in, you need to talk, but with care. He is hurting in some way, try to help. Stay in touch. Also, learn to be your own best friend so that whatever happens, it will be okay.
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (18 July 2009):
Hi there, it seems as if you care very much for your boyfriend. But the fact is, if you can't trust him, it is not a good relationship. My suggestion is that you go out for breakfast, hopefully everyone will be sober and have a clear head. Lay out what you want to say to him, do not be accusatory, you will make him defensive. Let him know before you start that you care very much about him, but you have noticed a change and you want to know what it is. Is there something on his mind, is he worried about some particular thing? Try to get him to open up, talk about yourself and how things have been affecting you. You need a better sense of intimacy, without beating him up, he seems vulnerable, people who drink usually have insecurities, which they drink to cover up, or some pain that is gnawing at them, if you go gently, hopefully he will open up and let you in.
I don't think he is cheating but there is a reason he is drinking, you need to try to help him, so do your best to get him to tell you what the problem is. Do not mention his mother, that may be the problem, from his childhood. Mothers have a profound impression on sons, for better or for worse. Good luck, but don't keep holding it in, you need to talk, but with care. He is hurting in some way, try to help. Stay in touch.
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A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Unfortunately, alcohol and lies go hand in hand. If he has a drinking problem and is lying to his mum as well as you, your suspicions may well be correct.
The "how to find out if he's cheating" on the other hand is another issue. You could possibly show up with some friends at the pub where he hangs out.
Another idea is, if he says he's working, see if he's actually at work.
You need to follow your instinct. If you are lacking trust in him, protect your own heart. Be diligent, be thorough. Accusations or confrontations with lack of proof may well blow up in your face. I hate to say check up on him, but you may just have to,, check up on him.
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