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How do I find out if he's in contact with my colleagues?

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Question - (16 July 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 17 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I used to work with a bloke and have texted him a few times, he doesn't respond and yet I sense that he is in contact with other people he worked with but not me. Before he left he made out that he wanted to keep in touch but instead ignores me nobody at work admits they're in contact so they are all keeping it a secret from me. How shall I find out the truth.

View related questions: at work, text

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (17 July 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt I don't see what you would gain from finding out the truth.

This man is not answering your messages and is ignoring you- that should be enough to signify that he does not want to stay in touch with you ( regardless of what he said when he left : " let's keep in touch " is very often one of those empty, polite platitudes that people say just because it is expected from them, without actually meaning it seriously ). So, whether he is in touch with your coworkers or not- he still would not talk to you..

Ok, maybe I get it- if you find out that he is ignoring not only you, but also all the other people, then being ignored it is less irksome and humiliating. On the other end, if you found out that he does talk to other people, but maybe asked them to keep it private and not share it with you- then you'd be even more annoyed and frustrated. And, you will anyway have looked like some nosy, pesky, stalkerish weirdo for having investigated about this.

There is a simpler solution, which is that you choose, intentionally choose, to let go and forget about this guy and whatever he may be doing. You cannot force people to care about you, and if he does not care - then he just does not. I imagine that this will be disappointing, even hurtful, if you had counted on him to be your friend or lover or whatever you wanted him to be. Then again, your frame of mind should be : his loss, not mine. He choose to not onclude you in his life - too bad for him, he is missing out. Do not reward his indifference by your keen interest in what he does or does not.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 July 2017):

N91 agony auntI'm pretty sure you've been here before asking about this.

Why do you care? Honestly?

What difference does it make to your life whether he contacts you or not? If what you're saying is true then there's obviously a reason why he doesn't want to stay in contact with you so why would you waste your time pursuing it? Not everyone in life likes us, the second you start worrying about things like that then you've already lost.

Get over it, who cares whether he speaks to you or not? He won't be losing a second of sleep over it so why would you?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 July 2017):

He doesn't want you to contact him and he may have informed the others. They shouldn't be giving out his private information without his permission anyway.

Don't make yourself look like a loon stalking and tracking him down. He's ignoring you on purpose. Take a hint, my dear.

Don't embarrass yourself by forcing him to reject you to your face; or overreact because he feels stalked.

Leave him alone and just move on.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 July 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThis is not unusual. Often people say "let's keep in touch" but, once they have new colleagues and have moved on from the previous job mentally, they choose to draw a line under contact with previous colleagues.

Often, all we have in common with work colleagues is work. I know that is all I have in common with the majority of MY work colleagues. If I were to meet the majority of them outside work, I would certainly not be tempted to befriend them. So, if I was leaving, I would politely say "let's keep in touch" but have zero intention of doing so.

Whether this man is in contact with anyone else from your workplace is HIS choice. He has no obligation to stay in contact with you, despite what he said. Concentrate on people who DO want to talk to you.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 July 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou're in your 40s, so I think it's time to stop doing adolescent-like investigations. If he hasn't replied, he doesn't want to. He was polite enough to let you down easy before he left, but you're not getting the hint.

Please, OP, let this go. He'll text you if he wants, but don't hold your breath or try to figure out who he's actually talking to.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

You sound strangely paranoid. Why would your coworkers all lie to you?

When he said let's stay in touch he was being polite but he did not mean it. If he doesn't want to contact you you can't make him. Leave him alone and get on with your life.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntIf he isn't replying TO you then obviously he doesn't WANT to. What business of yours is it to "find out" who he might be talking to at work?

HE can CHOOSE who he wants to talk to and whom he doesn't. Unfortunately, you are on the "don't want to talk to" list.

He might have SAID one thing (let's stay in touch) but he didn't mean it.

So I say, LET IT GO. You can't FORCE someone to talk to you.

I just can't believe you have gone around at work and accused or questioned others whether they talk to him or not. You are a GROWN woman, ACT like one!

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