A
female
age
30-35,
*ysterium
writes:Hi all,So I dated this guy for a short while who really messed it up for me. He has a narsissistic personality disorder and well I bore the brunt of of it. One thing in particular which he did and I found very insulting was- he wouldn't stop talking about my best friend. She's very attractive to look at, I agree, but he brought her up so many times and about how he'd like to have a threesome with her and me...which I did not find comfortable. Anyway, two months later, I am getting to know someone who is really kind, empathetic and a nice person and I feel like I can trust him but the other day, he started asking me about who I "objectively" found the prettiest amongst my friends. I felt a pang. I immediately turned off mentally and stopped talking to him. I know I'm being extremely insecure and the last thing I want to do is project this feeling on him. But it's so strong...I fear it's going to be a repeat of what happened before-that a guy I like will find my friend more attractive than me and that thought just drives me up the wall. I'm not jealous of my friend because it has nothing to do with her. But I do not, at any cost, want to be in a situation where someone I like is showing the slightest signs of being disloyal. How do I process this feeling? How do I accept it and let it go? Thanks for the help!
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best friend, insecure, jealous, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 May 2017):
 I agree with Chi,
BOTH men were lacking class. Who asks about the looks of the friends of a woman you claim to be interested in? Seriously?
Think about it OP, would YOU ask a guy, hey who is your best looking male friend? My guess is no. The question IS rude and it's neither here nor there. It's a foot in mouth kind of question.
Now if these guys were Snowwhite stepmother I'd get it, otherwise? nope.
KNOW that it's not a good conversation starter or any kind of starter and you are right, it's NOT really about your friend's looks. I think it about HOW do I (from the guy's perspective) bring up her hot friend and get to know that friend OR it's a question to MAKE you feel like YOU are not all that hot. To make you FEEL on edge. Sounds like a "pick up artist's" tool.
So if a guy "goes" there, I'd ASK them why on Earth they ask that and ask them WHO is the best looking among HIS friends - JUST to see how they react. And then I'd know he was a guy to toss in the "not keep pile".
The first guy who mentioned 3-somes with your friend was not interested in her or you - he was just hoping for some action and hoping to put you on edge.
There is nothing wrong in thinking that is a really weird question to ask someone you SHOW interest in.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2017): I agree with chigirl. You are heading in the right direction. /maybe it's the kind of guys you end up interacting with. They sound shallow, whether or not they have a narcissistic personality set apart.
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A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (25 May 2017):
 I agree with chigirl (as usual!) it's rude and disrespectful behaviour on his part and not something you should have to put up with. You should either cut ties, or tell him straight that such behaviour is unacceptable and gauge his reaction.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2017):
 I actually think your reaction was healthy in this case. It is really rude to ask a girl who she finds prettiest among her friends. Dont talk to this guy again, because I think he was just talking to you in order to get to your friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2017): You have good reason to have turned off to him and stopped talking to him. He, on the other hand, had NO good reason to have asked you that question. He's dating you and his attention should be focused on you, not your friends. Maybe if you had been talking about your friends he could show polite interest, but certainly not asking who is the prettiest.You don't need to accept something that you have every right to be bothered by. You're just getting to know this guy, so if you choose to let it go then I would proceed with caution. It sounds as if you didn't give him an answer to his question and he deserved no answer. If you continue to see him and he asks again, you ask him why he would ask such a question. And don't be suckered into believing his question was just casual and innocent curiosity.
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