A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex-fiance and I were together for three years. I was very upset and lost shortly after the breakup. However, as soon as I moved out a few days later, I was neutral/happy. The pressure had been lifted and this neutral/lighthearted feeling lasted for three weeks. For the past three weeks, I have been filling my time the best I could and however felt right to me. I spent a lot of time in the bathtub texting friends and reading articles on my phone. The rest of my time was filled with walks in nature, driving listening to music or talking to myself, exercise, and seeing friends. Then all of a sudden, everything came crashing down this past weekend. I feel extremely empty and lonely. Sunday night I barely slept. Monday and Tuesday I was so depressed that I missed work. The thought of work was fine, but I absolutely dreaded the thought of actually getting up and getting ready and putting on makeup. The feeling was unlike anything I experienced. I ended up sleeping in these two days, and fortunately a friend was available to take an evening walk in the park with me both days. That was very helpful and therapeutic. However, I know friends aren't always available. My friends are not available this weekend and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel extremely lonely and want to talk to somebody. I've gotten myself affordable therapy via a texting app and my therapist suggested I look for hobbies to enjoy by myself so I don't have to rely on others. I have been picking up piano but unable to concentrate for long periods of time. I also don't have much attention span for books and movies. I want to try a computer game but I think it'll be the same result and I will end up setting it aside. Then thoughts of loneliness and missing my ex, and just thinking about my ex will consume me.I don't know how to stop focusing on him and focusing elsewhere. What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 June 2019):
 Let it out, you need to go through the motions!
Cry until you can’t cry anymore, let all that anger and frustration out (in a safe way of course!) you will feel better for it. You can’t bottle that kind of emotion up and just expect it to go away without having some kind of meltdown.
Keep doing as you are, sounds to me like you’ve got your head screwed on and are very sensible. Just don’t beat yourself up about it, some people just don’t work out, you’re here and still breathing aren’t you? That shows life goes on and you can cope with what’s happened, you already are doing! Get your chin up and keep moving forwards, you can do this and you’ll meet the right man one day.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2019): I wrote these comments in post script to another writer's comments. Perhaps they will be helpful to you.
"Thanks for your appreciation. The pain will linger. You'll continue to miss him. He was once a regular part of your life.
I've learned that sometimes the mind and heart go into battle.
You feel so strongly for a person that you want to just throw away your dignity and ignore what is right, and plead...just plead for another chance. That is the heart taking over. It only wants to feel love.
The mind puts common-sense into over-drive. It tells you; accept what is true. Don't fight, if you know there is nothing to win.
Why continue to profess your love; when they say they wish to go? You will only hurt.
The pain of loss might revisit you for the same person years from now. Not as intense; just a dull tug at your heartstrings. Some poor folks never get over the breakup.
They need someone else to make them feel whole. Not me. I was whole entering the relationship, and I'm whole now.
You have to continue to feel. Don't give anyone the power to take away what makes you happy, loveable, and human.
Don't let them rob you of your strength to heal; or capacity to love another.
Bad days are hell, but you'll appreciate the good ones all the more. I know I do.
Feelings are designed to change with time. Use that to your advantage after a breakup. It promotes faster healing.
I'm glad you liked my piece. Continue the fight to reclaim yourself."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2019): This is where my journey started:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-got-dumped-and-i-know-how-.html
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 June 2019):
 What do you do? You take one minute at a time, one hour at a time and one day at a time. Only think ahead as far as is comfortable.
You are grieving the loss of not only your ex but the life you shared and the life you dreamed of. All this has now gone and you are lost because because everything you took for granted was whipped away. I read something once which rang true: grief comes over us in waves. You can be swimming along, doing ok, then you will remember something, or see something, or hear something, or smell something, and memories will wash over you and grief will threaten to drown you. In time the gap between the waves increases and the waves become shorter lived.
Baby steps are the secret to survival. Set yourself attainable goals. Play the piano for 10 minutes one day, 15 the next, 20 the next. Eventually you will feel able to concentrate and play for longer. If you have a bad day, it doesn't matter. Do what you are capable of, be kind to yourself and start again next day. I promise this too will pass but not today or tomorrow.
Thinking of you and sending hugs.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 June 2019):
 Why don't you spend some time here on Dear Cupid, OP? Believe me, this is a wonderful place to be in and a very productive way to spend time. I came here many years ago when I was going through a bad relationship and I just found this to be such a therapeutic place! When you have nothing else to do, just come here and try to help someone. Answer a few questions, read about people's lives, what they're going through.
Other than that, you can try watching something that you like on your laptop or on TV. I personally love watching re-runs of sex and the city!
As the other aunts have said OP, allow the grief to run it's course and always remember that whatever happens is for the best. You might not see it now but you will realise some day, very soon, that breaking up was the best thing that could happen to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 June 2019):
 How do you put in pants, OP?
ONE leg at a time, right?
SAME with life, take it ONE day at a time.
Finding a hobby is not a bad idea, doesn't mean you have to jump in with both feet and be "consumed" by that hobby.
Journaling is another option.
And learning to ACCEPT what happened is another. You are going through the steps of grief. The end of a relationship can feel as momentous as a big loss.
The 5 stages of grief and loss are:
1. Denial and isolation;
2. Anger;
3. Bargaining;
4. Depression;
5. Acceptance.
People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.
If HE keeps popping into your head you might want to practice self-control and KICK him out, mentally.
If you go over things you said and did and play "what if" you might want to nip that in the bud too.
Your relationship DIDN'T work out. THAT is a fact.
YOU are now on your own, THAT is another fact.
YOU can do this. PLENTY of people are single. Single doesn't HAVE to mean lonely.
I would also advice that you STICK to simple routines, like getting up and going to work. YOU need keep your job and it can also distract you from the feeling of loss.
DO NOT be afraid to ask friends for help and company, but DO find the strength to not go on and on and on and how you miss him with them. TRY and both be supportive to them and lean on them. And yes, true, friends won't ALWAYS be available. YOU HAVE to stand on your own two feet.
Having a routine it good. Re-learning to be single is ALSO good. You were single BEFORE you met him, right? YOU can do this. ONE day at the time. Falling apart does ABSOLUTELY nothing good for you. Wallowing in pain does nothing good for you either.
THE ONLY person who can pick you up and brush you off and GET you going... IS you.
Chin up, op.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2019):
 I think gaming online would be a good idea. You’re on your own, but you can talk with new teams every time, on certain games and consoles. It gives you a chance to have basic conversations with some people, which can help with loneliness. You just need to look on YouTube for gaming channels and see what games they’re playing that interest you.
I’ve found that a large part of depression is just surviving each day and doing as much as you can without making yourself worse. Some days you really can’t do anything more than eat a little and sleep a lot. That’s okay for a day, but then you need to try to do a bit more the next day, and a bit more the day after that, etc.
You will have really bad days, but you need to push yourself a little to do the most you can each day, even if some days it’s just work with no makeup and then going to bed after dinner when you get home.
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