A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Just to spare you the medical details: A few weeks ago, out of nowhere my elderly mom had to be hospitalized for a medical emergency. After 5 days she was released to a nursing home, but on Hospice. She Can no longer walk nor hold a conversation, though she does recognize me and my husband. Needless to say, this has been earth-shatteringly traumatic for both myself and my husband (who has thought of my mom as his second mom for 30 years).All the while, I have not received one phone call, email or text from my in-laws. I brought this up to my husband, that I was very hurt by their utter lack of caring for me or my mom (with whom they have spent numerous holidays over the years), but immediately I regretted doing so. He has no control over his family. By burdening him with basically telling him how much his family's actions are hurtful and confusing to me, I just added on an extra layer of guilt and pain to the grief he is already feeling over my mom. Now on to my question for you all. This week, we are having thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws, with whom I will also have to spend some extended time away over the Christmas holidays. How do I get past my hurt and...anger (I guess)...towards them to get through the holidays? My guess is that they will just try to bring it up as "casual conversation": "oh yeah, how's your mom doing?" I don't know how to answer in this context - what has happened to my mom, and my family as a result, is anything but casual. It has been an utter nightmare. I don't want to make it the subject of light conversation for an awkward moment, before we move on to Trump or the Dallas Cowboys...Do you have any advice for how I can deal with this situation? I don't want to burst into tears, or make some sort of angry statement that ruins the occasion for everyone. I don't really have an interest in making them see the callousness of their ways. I just want to get thru the time with them as quickly and superficially as possible. Thanks.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Do you mean to say; these in-laws (of 30 years) whom your Mom is no stranger to them, had not extended ONE word of support or concern after (I assume) someone informed them about your Mom’s condition? Did the informer not receive any message to pass on to you? Well you sure get to know people when something like this happens? Talk about superficial?
Unfortunately I don't do superficial very well or have a Poker face as something like this would upset me too. Personally I’d prioritize my commitments regarding Thanks Giving and Xmas. Your Mom may want you to carry on as normal, but my heart and mind would be elsewhere and agitated to Dine among (some) people who perceive this as trivial, a casual topic, or something to shrug off as it’d interfere with their festivities.
From experience, I suggest you make pilgrimage to your Mom’s bedside now and in the coming months... honour her, give her comfort with your touch, recite cherished memories as she no longer can or remember, favour and comfort her, give her thanks for being your Mom and take strength when she no longer recognises your smile.
I wish you strength, and your Mom comfort and loving care – CAA
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Regardless of how uncaring and uninvolved your in laws were - I don't see why you should spend this Thanksgiving with them. Frankly I am even a bit surprised you'd consider the idea.
Forget " uncaring " for a sec- as you said, you are after no " revenge ", and, who knows exactly what they had in mind in choosing total detachment. I have noticed that many older people prefer to stay away from tales, or actual occurrences, of serious illnesses, tragic accidents etc.- it scares them, it reminds tehm uncomfortably of their own fragility and vulnerability, and that their own days on earth are counted and ending some time soon.
Anyway : your in laws are in good health and will be having relatives and friends around them. Your mom... this could be the last Thanksgiving you have together : and anyway , she'd be alone and suffering in a hospice bed , while you'd be toasting with ( let's face it ) strangers who mean nothing to you ?? ( bar your husband, of course ). Something's wrong in this picture, IMO.
Plus, I doubt that you are in a " life of the party " frame of mind,... that you are in a great mood for socializing and merrymaking. There's no point in either projecting a cloud of sadness over their party, or making heroic , contrived efforts to act as if nothing happened on your side.
Go to be with your mom- even if only to sit silently and hold and caress her hand. She can't talk- but YOU can talk, if she is up to it, talk to her, entertain her, keep her company. Otherwise- just be there with her.
Ar least for a few hours- when your mom is tred, or when it gets to be too much for you- go gome and rest. Listen to music or whatever you to relax and recuperate.
" Ubi major, minor cessat " which loosely translates as
" First things first ". This is your one and only Mom, and you already have enough to worry about her.... do you also want to worry about being glib and casual , or saying " the right things " ? Who frigging cares !, sayz I( and I hope you'll say too ).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): "How do I deal with my In-laws during the Holidays.
You have every right to feel your feelings about your in-laws. If they happen to ask you about your mother you may consider being candid with your feelings such as " I am devastated and shocked by my mom's condition and this has been a very painful time. Be honest with your feelings without the need to shame them for their lack of interest or communication. What may curtail your frustration is asking yourself "what were your expectations"? Allow yourself to feel disappointed that they let you down. Main point here -- feel your feelings and let them move through you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 November 2016):
I may not know all the details but I believe you should not go to your in-laws place. I think if you are hurting a lot (understandably so) you should not put yourself in a situation where you have to hide your sorrow, anger and hurt. It would be unpleasant to have to force yourself to pretend to be happy, even for the sake of younger ones who may be there. You do sound very close to your mother and I think you should spend as much time as you can with her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 November 2016):
 When my father was put in hospice care, the team aiding him had referrals to support groups. You need help if you are trying to minimize your perceived burden on others.
If this is your mother's last Thanksgiving then you are under no obligation to spend yours trying to pretend all is well and not "ruin" this side of your family's Thanksgiving.
Compose a polite note, give it to your husband to read and deliver, send it to them and then spend Thanksgiving with Mom.
"Dear in-laws [obviously insert the names here],
"Alas, this year I won't be able to join you as usual. If you haven't yet heard, my mother is in hospice care.
"It's been a shock that her health deteriorated so quickly and sadly, her prognosis is such that hospice was called in. While the celebration of thanksgiving with has been an integral part of my life for many years, this year is an exception as far as my attendance goes.
"I need to be with my mother as much as I can and I just am not in a position to attend the Thanksgiving event this year.
"If any one asks how to offer support, suggest they write a note or email. I read all her get well cards to her now.
"Your loving support is much appreciated now.
"Thank you so much."
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 November 2016):
 I am sorry to hear about your mother. I am feeling teary just reading that you don't want to burst into tears, its just over 12 months since that was my reaction to all and any questions about my own mother's health, and the "surprise" unwelcome diagnosis, so I have some sort of idea of where you are coming from.
You don't have to attend Thanksgiving or Christmas with your in-laws if you prefer not to. They may be so tied up in their own lives they have failed to notice how serious the upheaval is in yours ... if you feel like crying when asked, then cry, if you want to tell them the truth (if the fact she is in a Hospice doesn't alert them to the seriousness), then tell them straight out ... be blunt if you wish, as I was ... or just respond her condition is serious and she is unlikely to recover. Observant people will realise you are not in a good place, and that trivialities are not welcome.
Wiseowl's suggestion that you attend for the meal and then take your mother some dessert is a wise one, if your mother still recognises you then go spend these times with her. Maybe you can play some of her favourite music, or read to her, or even just sit and be still with her.
I hope you, and your mother, find some peace during these difficult times.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): Exactly why must you spend the holidays with your calloused and unsympathetic in-laws? Why not spend her last days reading to her, and sitting at your mother's bedside.
Do you have any siblings or other family members you can spend holidays with?
Why does your husband's parents get special treatment, while your mother lies in a bed in a hospice by herself? Is your own family spread-out; or are there strained relations between you? All you mention of your own family connections is your mother. If you don't have any or don't get along, then you'll have to make do with his family.
Family dissension usually becomes more evident when the holidays arrive. People waste a lot of time and energy not speaking, holding grudges, and nurturing their resentment. Then they can't come together in peace, harmony, and love. If you've got family-issues, I suggest you mend them; or put-up with the cold-folks.
If your husband's family sucks, turn to your own.
Arrive with your husband, have dinner; then off to the hospice. Take your mom a slice of pie. Spend Thanksgiving day with your mother; and let your husband spend the rest of it with his parents.
Sorry, but he's a spineless SOB if he doesn't take it on his own initiative to speak to his heartless parents. He should be considerate of your pain and grief; and it's his duty as your spouse to see you through it. The heck with his grief. She isn't his mother. You're concerned about his feelings? What's the matter with you? This is about you and your mother!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2016): HiI'm so sorry for what you're going through with your Mum and I hope it's all as painless as possible for all of you.As you say, there's no wish on your part to try to teach them the error of their ways, so I would suggest that you ask your husband to give them a heads up about not bringing the subject up as you are both near to tears over it.I've seen so many different dynamics in different families as I'm sure you have as well. Friends' families I have seen behave in ways that are totally unexpected to me because I was brought up differently to them. Don't judge them too harshly because they might not have been brought up with much vision about the suffering of others. Sometimes people have no idea about what anything entails until it has happened to them. I think most of us are like that actually, it's hard to envisage the emotions of someone else's situation if you haven't experienced it first hand. I know that I have been guilty of that myself and I have been full of remorse when I've realised how awful something was that someone was going through, but I had no idea really until it happened to me. I heard something recently that I keep saying to myself and has helped me a lot which was 'Forgive the weakness in others'. Hearing that made me realise that I ain't perfect. No-one is are they? Try to remember that it's highly unlikely that they are being callous on purpose. They maybe just don't know any better .....yet.Lots of love and hugs to you and your Mum. I have been through that with my Mum, so I certainly can empathise with you.
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