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How do I cope with and incorporate my Voyeurism urges into my life? I am monogomous and Happily married.

Tagged as: Family, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2011) 2 Answers - (Newest, 5 May 2011)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Recently my wife and I wound up in relationship counselling due to my 'sudden' interest in kink (bondage, some S and M, voyeurism etc). Through the counselling I discovered that there has been a whole host of reasons why this came about going way back to my childhood, and that voyeurism was by far the strongest/most significant of the lot. In the past the urge to look/watch has conflicted with both the love I have for my then girlfriend/now wife and also my own sense of morality and monogamy - I mistook the voyeuristic urge for an urge to sleep with others, which upset me greatly at times. I now know that the voyeuristic urge is not the same as wanting to sleep/be with others and that it is distinct for what I feel for my wife.

We're trying to deal with my voyeuristic urges together, as my attempts to either deal with them on my own prior to counselling or to just suppress them in the past is partially what landed us in counselling.

The problem is is that running a Google search or similar for ideas on how we can handle this just turns up the usual porn sites, none of which are of any use.

Our counsellor did mention that there are voyeur/exhibitionist clubs and my wife has found out there is one near us. The idea both appeals and terrifies me - who might be there, what might they do and how might I react? Has anyone any experience of these kinds of clubs and might be willing to share?

Otherwise does anyone have any suggestions as to anything we can do together? I've no interest in being a 'peeping tom' and invading anyones privacy or doing anything without their consent. Likewise this is not an attempt to wind up in bed with anyone else other than my wife. The idea of being physical with anyone else doesn't appeal at all and isn't something I want.

Finally if anyone can recommend any resources that could assist my situation?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question


Thanks for the response. It's been a few days since I wrote the question with no responses, I'd figured anyone who'd read it must be in stunned, horrified silence :)

Yes, my wife is trying to understand my urges. She knows where they've come from as we uncovered the answers together through relationship counselling. I'm not especially keen on watching her with another man, and it's not something she wants to do so it's not even an option. I have watched her with another woman - something she was curious to try, so wasn't done under any kind of coercion. That was a one off though and isn't something that she wants to repeat, so end of. If her wanting to be with someone else (man or woman) was something she wanted to try whilst I watched, that would be a different matter. But it's not, so it's not even a possibility.

The idea of a 'fetish club' was something suggested to us/me by our relationship counsellor, only as an idea though, not as something that was recommended we/I try. The voyeuristic thing isn't something my wife shares, it's my 'thing' so attending would be purely for my benefit. My wife is broadly ok with us/me trying a club as my interest it purely in watching; not touching/swinging/exhibitionism etc. I appreciate what you mean about it probably altering the dynamic of our marriage, but we already reached that point late last year. Keeping my urges to myself, not sharing them and trying to suppress them brought on a manic episode after which we/I ended up in counselling. We're now trying to find ways of dealing with aftermath, finding ways of dealing with my urges that involves us staying together and working them through together.

We've tried her 'putting on a show' (worked great) but won't work everytime - the scope for one person performing for another has a limited number of permutations before same-yness kicks in. Porn isn't an answer on account of the artificiallity of it, acting, film editing etc.

This kind of leaves other scenarios/ideas we can try with just the two of us, or the unknown of trying a club - barring any ideas anyone else might have.

Thanks for your response though, it is appreciated.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2011):

So your wife is trying to understand and support your urges?

Are you keen to watch your wife with another man?

These clubs: you are right to feel a sense of 'concern' bec you will be out of your comfort zone. You will also be heralding an end of your marriage as you knew it to be and then embarking on new rules in your marriage.

Both u and your wife must be pretty certain of expectations, and consequences as well.

Sorry I don't have much to offer bec I am very ignorant on this subject.


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