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How do I confront him about his lies?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2014) 12 Answers - (Newest, 12 August 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Im 21, nearly 22, and have been getting to know this guy since May, but have been speaking since February.

We were both at university (far apart) so we used to Skype every day, talk on the phone for hours and text throughout the day for 3 months straight before meeting up again.

It's been really good. He's the first guy I've met that treats me well. I've seen guys in the past that have hurt me in various ways (having girlfriends that I don't know about, randomly ignoring me and cutting off contact, losing interest and blocking me, etc) but things have been consistent with this guy.

We both live in London so we see each other once every few days and I stay over at his house a lot too (he lives with his family and I've met them, they're always telling me to stay over because I get on with all his family members)

The thing is, we aren't official, we're going with the flow and seeing how things pan out, which I am happy with. However, things between us are physical as we do have sex, and we have both mentioned that we won't be seeing other people or sleeping with other people because it has reached that physical stage and I don't want to sleep with others, and he said he doesn't want to either.

But, as he has an iPhone, when a message pops up on his phone, it shows what the person has written even when the phone is locked and he leaves his phone all over the place so there have been times where i've seen one girl write "I miss you, I want to see you, it's been too long" and "I'm jealous of your female friend in your bed, I wish that was me" "I can't wait to kiss you again" but this was back in June, and we didn't have sex until July... Recently, I've been seeing him comment on the same girls picture on Facebook with love hearts and kisses, telling her she looks beautiful (He doesn't know that I've seen this).

Now, back in June, when i saw those messages on his phone (I didn't look through it, they were showing on his lock screen) I asked her where he met her, he told me that she's been his friend for over a year now and they hardly see each other, but that was a lie. Because I remember him telling me a couple months before that on FaceTime that he met her on the Tinder app. He said he met her in June where she visited him at his university house, but because he was talking to me throughout the day, I didn't suspect anything, I thought they were just friends, but if she's talking about kissing him, it's clear that something happened between them two back in June, and if she's sending him messages telling him she misses him and can't wait to kiss him, it shows that they'll be meeting up again soon.

He doesn't know that I remember shes from Tinder, he doesn't know that Ive seen the comments he has left on her facebook either, and he doesn't know that I've seen a few messages pop up on his phone.

So my question is, how do I go about confronting him. Do I ask him how he met her again and see if he lies, or do I tell him everything I know first and see what he has to say for himself?

View related questions: facebook, jealous, kissing, text, university

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014):

"So my question is, how do I go about confronting him. Do I ask him how he met her again and see if he lies, or do I tell him everything I know first and see what he has to say for himself?"

Neither. There's no point in confronting him because whatever approach you take after initially denying all he will come up with some lame self-serving BS to cover his ass and then probably throw it back it your face for invading his privacy.

You now know he's a liar, it's up to whether you want to continue sleeping with him with that knowledge. It seems very likely that he's just telling you what you want to hear so you'll keep putting out for him, and it also seems very likely that he's also stringing along other girls who give it up as easily as you do.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (12 August 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt If you want to get this thing off your chest do it, otherwise it would stay there eating at you and spoiling what you have with this guy.

But I don't know if the jealous girlfriend act will go down that well, as a matter of fact it ccould not go down at all, he can also think that you are overbearing, controlling, or just plain being rididcolous .

You have " mentioned " that you won't be seeing / having sex with other people, but mentioning is different from agreeing or committing.

I may mention to a friend that I intend to go out for dinner tonight, then change my mind and eat at home .

You are going with the flow , and not giving a label blah blah,- you are , in practice, if nobody has agreed on annything different, doing an FWB , although a civil, friendly, companionable FWB : the ideal FWB, actually; FWB is not the same as a fuck buddy and is not / should not be limited to sexual acts together ).

You are two people who like each other, get along, spend time together a couple of times a week- but you are not a couple , you have not committed to each other or promised each other monogamy, and I don't see ( and much probably he does not either ! ) why he cannot like you , maybe like you a lot... and also like other girls.

He was obviously seeing other female friends in June ( and hosting them in his bed ). You assumed that since when you become intimate sexually in July, sexual intimacy = monogamy. I would be surprised if he felt the same ,although he may have decided not to flaunt it in your face for a matter of simple good taste, so there's a distinct possibility that you'll be told to mind your business .

Then again, at least you will know what is what.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (12 August 2014):

janniepeg agony auntI would just tell him as the months passed your feelings are deeper and you are expecting more, such as honesty and not flirting with others. If he is not on the same page then you can part ways. He said he doesn't want to sleep with others, but he didn't promise not to message girls beyond the friendship level. If you don't want to admit to snooping you could just say you have a feeling that you are not the only woman he's talking to and you don't feel good about it.

He's the first guy that treats you well and therefore you go along with his terms. That's the problem here. If you expect so little of guys then that's what you get in return. I hope you know that the definition of FWB is not just mechanical bang bang and nothing else. He's basically getting the girlfriend experience and also having a few on the side to stroke his ego. For me, the "see how it goes" phase should not last more than 2 months. As you meet each other quite often, there is no reason why he can't make it official.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014):

If you want a relationship, stop having sex with him. If he cares about you, he will become exclusive. Unfortunately, is sounds like he is playing the field and I wouldn't be so confident about his fidelity.

I would tell him that you are looking for a relationship and break it off. If he pursues you, he's worth your time. If he doesn't, be grateful for all of the years you saved yourself and find someone who will treat you as more than just a number.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014):

"The thing is, we aren't official, we're going with the flow and seeing how things pan out, which I am happy with."

You are not going with the flow, you are dancing to his tune and staying together on his terms. You are not happy with this, because you wrote to DC to express how you really feel.

Guys will play you if you always do things on their terms, and set none of your own. I think you choose personality types incompatible with your own.

The new way to seduce girls is to pour it on with the text messages, keep her saturated with tweets and Instagrams.

The great thing about social media and iPhones, is you can do this with several girls at the same time.

If you have a confrontation with this guy; let it include your parting speech. I think this guy likes things just they way they are. All he needs to know is that you are moving on; because you've caught him in lies. He already knows what he lied about.

Dating is trial and error. The tough part is being strong enough and smart enough to end it and walkaway when you see the red-flags. Good luck if you think confrontation with a guy about lying is going to make him make a 360, because he's busted.

Limit sex, and use it as a reward for good behavior. Tell guys that you're hoping for something mature and serious; so you're just dating until you find it.

Allow them the chance to prove how much they like you before sex comes into the picture.

If he shows more affection, seems to want to spend a lot of time with you, just go with the flow as you did with this guy. I don't care how nice he seems; wait a little longer on sex. Learn more about him first. Don't get so impressed with being wooed online or through messaging. It's total bullsh*t!

Make-out and enjoy some nonsexual affection. That is a good way to see if a guy knows how to treat a girl. Sex is a great reward, when you see things going in the right direction. Not just because you've met his family and get their seal of approval. You're dating him, not his family.

If he seems too impatient about sex, that's all he's around for.

If you can't place sex on-hold to get to know a guy better, it's part of your own problem.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (11 August 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntYou didn't answer my basic question. What do you want?

Once you define that, you can see if he actually meets your criteria.

You keep winding up with men who treat you badly. One man treating you badly could be a bad choice, two men treating you badly could be bad luck, three men treating you badly, you are choosing poorly. You are the common denominator. Do you understand that?

You're having a sexually intimate relationship with a man who isn't committed to you. You are upset that he seems to be pursuing another woman. He's not having sex with her as far as you know but your relationship is open and undefined enough that he's technically not cheating on you.

So again.

Here is the big question.

What do you want?

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (11 August 2014):

Dionee' agony auntWhat exactly is it that you want? You guys aren't exclusive which I'm not using as an excuse for his behavior because he's wrong, bottom line. I don't see much that you can do here. The two of you aren't an official couple, you're basically FWB's right now but you've got your emotions all over the place. I'm not sure an ultimatum would be the right thing to do as it may make you come off as those jealous type of girls who can't be casual about anything (which you are in this situation but he doesn't have to know that). If this guy is what you want (which I don't advise you to want for your own good) then you'd better hope he isn't the type to not want to purchase the cow after sipping freely on the milk already. He has no reason to commit because realistically speaking, he has all he needs . . . Or so he thinks. He probably didn't intend for you to take everything so seriously but already you're behaving like a jealous girlfriend. Personally, if I were you I'd want no further part in all of this but as the universe would have it, you're your own person and it's your decision to make. Be prepared. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Btw, it's not always sex related Tisha-1, there have been multiple times where we have met up and we both haven't wanted to have sex, but thank you for your advice :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your comments, I guess I'll have to just speak to him about it and see how that conversation goes. Olderthandirt, I think I'll take your advice on the letter, I'm better at writing things out than I am at speaking.

Also, it isn't a FWB situation because we have feelings for each other, and whenever I'm not with him, I'm speaking to him either on Skype or on the phone, we always call each other in our spare time and I see him at least every 3-4 days.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (11 August 2014):

Tisha-1 agony aunt"The thing is, we aren't official, we're going with the flow and seeing how things pan out, which I am happy with. However, things between us are physical as we do have sex, and we have both mentioned that we won't be seeing other people or sleeping with other people because it has reached that physical stage and I don't want to sleep with others, and he said he doesn't want to either."

Go with the flow WITHOUT sex and see if that flow doesn't suddenly change course.

You're in a FWB situation. That's fine if you're happy with it but you appear to be jealous of another potential FWB he's been cultivating.

He said he doesn't want to sleep with other people, he didn't say that he wouldn't line up some future sex candidates if this flow thing you have going on winds up drying up.

You may not realize it but he probably always has a few women in various stages of development, chatting with them and convincing them that they are just going with the flow....

If you want more with this guy, tell him, don't 'go with the flow,' that'll just wind up with you being washed out to sea!

Me, personally? I'd drop him, he's just another one of the guys who isn't treating you the way you would like. Why is that? I don't know, maybe you aren't making yourself clear at the outset?

What do you want?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 August 2014):

Honeypie agony auntWhat you are saying is that you two are TALKING exclusivity, but you aren't sure he is actually being EXCLUSIVE with you.

I can't really see what you can do, other then ASK him and MAYBE sort out where you two stand. The whole, we are going with the flow sounds like HIS idea and you are "ok" with it because you think he will want more, but not of you say I want a relationship.

You say guys have not treated you well n the past, now if he seeing this girl, HOW is he any different from those other guys?

Figure out WHAT you want from him and TALK. Don't settle.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 August 2014):

olderthandirt agony auntI think you need a quiet disclosure about what you know and how you came to know it via a nice long letter9that's an ancient form of communication used with a pen,some paper and a previously thought out draft on a seperate sheet of paper. In this way there's no intimidation via facial exptressions or tones of voice. I'd pose it as a softly worded ultimatum that states clearly how you feel wronged by his lies and you tyhink you might just be better off alone rather than played for a fool. Good Luck, The draft is very important so begin it now.

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