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How do I choose new boundaries when in the process of breaking up with someone?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 June 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I feel it may be time for me to break up with my boyfriend, even though I love him, because we're incompatible in finances and maturity.

It hurts me to think of doing a cold cut from him, especially since he's my longest relationship.

When you know you have to break up with someone you love, how do you redefine the lines of how you will be together? Or am I deluding myself?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015):

Well,your follow up didn't answer any of the questions really, not even the main one (i.e. do you want to be friends with him or not?)

TBf, I don't see anyone as "clutter". More like "part of the puzzle" of my life and I'm not so rigid re:cut it,cut it cold,as I look at life as a continued existence (till the last call...) rather than separate episodes.

My normal advice would be: you gotta treat him the exact same as any other friend. If he gets offended, fussy etc. you know how to best deal with him,but basically you gotta always gently remind him that he is not allowed "privileges",i.e. either of time (i.e. spending too much time together, alone) or er-hem,other privileges.

HOWEVER, this is not a generic question. It is an individual one. Therefore (given your follow up): if you are like me and your pride is now hurt, simply walk away.

If you are a bigger person than me: think of how you can deal with this as you're the one who has known him for so long, not any of us.

Honestly though, if it were me, I'd be soooo pissed off at a comment like that, that he'd never hear from me again.

He wants more attractive women (as friends or otherwise)? Ok, good, no probs- good luck with ACTUALLY attracting them!! What does he have to offer them?! Manageable debt?!? Jeez, he sounds like he thinks he is some golden, hidden treasure and young Kate Moss would faint at the sight of him!Grrrrr...

Also, if he thinks there is a better fit for him out there- he should NOT be wasting YOUR time. Just sayin'.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I guess it sounds confusing because I still feel confused. We spoke yesterday. We talked about finances and he says he does have a plan on paying things down. And explained how. Its feasible. But im unsure how mature he is to be consistent. Only time will tell. There is something else that worries me. During our last argument he said hes trying to fight for us because he doesnt see anyone attractive where he is. But if he does, it'd open the door to being attracted to more women which he said would pan well long run. Im shocked! He basically said he's here with me by default. I Brouggt that up but he just says I misinterpreted. I dont know how so. He said he wanted to get married. But after that comment I feel like a placeholder

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 June 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWhy would you need NEW boundaries? Just break up and CUT the contact. There really is no NEED to try and "pretend" you can be best friends and there is NO need to keep exes around.

I see it a LOT with people in their 20's wanting to stay "friends" with an ex. To me it's the oddest thing. Yes, that person had an impact on your life, but that part of your life is also over. I think keeping exes around is like keeping "clutter" in your life. Now of you have CHILDREN together there isn't much of a choice, because the kids needs both parents (most of the time) - but with no kids? Let go of the clutter. Don't "hold on" to a guy because he "might" become the man you WANTED him to be down the line...

Friends are friends. Exes are exes. Lovers are lovers.

I AM friends with my very first BF (actually we are more like acquaintances these days) but we also shared a VERY big circle of friends. The first year after the break up we pretty much avoided each other. After that friendship wasn't too hard. But the other two guys I dated before I met my husband? No contact.

I think people fool themselves into thinking that being friends with an ex is easy or necessary.

Let him go. Move on, focus on YOU.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (22 June 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntif you love him but see it won't work and he loves you and thinks it will work, then the ONLY way to make this break is a clean NO CONTACT break.

Time will heal and you will end up in years down the road being civil and maybe even friendly...

easing into the break up is cruel and not necessary.

I suggest you sit down with him and say "bf, I love you but I can't stay with you since you are ...[insert your reasons for leaving]

Does he already know you feel this way about his maturity and fiscal responsibility? do you think that talking to him about those things might help? if so, then perhaps a conversation about why you feel you need to leave and how much time you are willing to give him to make improvements may be in order... but then after that finite time, if he has not made the changes you need, you must leave.

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom +, writes (22 June 2015):

I'm not sure I understand exactly what you mean either. I got the impression you're asking "Should we be friends after we've broken up and how can we achieve that?"

If That's the case, I'm sorry to say that it's probably best if you don't remain friends but if you have mutual friends together you will need to remain cordial.

So the boundaries you put in place should include

1) No personal one-to-one communication (no calls, texts, emails, social media messages.)

2) No meeting up one-on-one

3) No offering or asking for favours or support from each other. If you need help with something you should be asking someone else.

4) All communication should be limited to bumping into each other at social events if you have mutual friends.

5) At such events, keep the conversations brief and polite. Don't spend the evening dominating each others company.

6) Avoid talking about your private life too much. Don't get into conversations about the "whys and wherefores" of your breakup and don't mention it if either of you are dating anyone else. (I'm not saying lie - just don't bring it up or get into discussion about it if he does)

7) No kissing, cuddling, hand-holding or lap-sitting, even if this kind of behaviour is commonplace between friends within your social circle.

8) No begging, crying, shouting or bitching when you do cross paths. If this proves not possible - then you'd need to consider going "no contact" and not even seeing each other socially.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (22 June 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt You know, I am not sure I understand exactly what you mean. Why would you have to " redefine the boundaries while you are " in the process" of breaking up " ?!.

You would have to redefine the boundaries IF you were in the process of mending, or tryng to the mend the relationship ! If you have decided that all in all the relationship is not beneficial to your present and future wellbeing,- you just break up. No ifs, buts and redefining; that would be just a useless and painful dragging things on.

Hopefully the decision of breaking up was not born from some momentary whim, but from careful consideration and examination of pros and cons. If the cons weigh more- no

" process ", it just confuses you and the other person. Ideally, you say what you mean and mean what you say, so - you just pull the band aid and, voila', game over.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015):

Give us a little more detail on the financial situation and maturity level. How old is he? What is he doing with his life that isn't clicking with you?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015):

By your actions

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