A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I believe in love and stop being so jaded. I have been in two horrible relationships that have broken my spirits but on top of that I am surrounded by men that are horrible. At work I see some men that are married but act like someone that doesn’t respect their spouse- my past guy friends have all acted like animals ( sleeping with women - lying to them etc) my own dad was abusive towards my mother - my ex verbally absuive. All these things have gathered in my heart and have made me bitter and sad . I see the men especially at my work ( I work with one of them closely) I can tell we have a mutual attraction and he is married; he talks trash about his wife non stop and I see him using social media to tak to someoen and giggle all day. I can’t help but think wow here is a guy that married someoene and won’t stop saying negative things about her - that could be me one day; another one is twice my age and always tried to flirt with me; he is also married with a child!I feel like I am surrounded by these men - I don’t date - I have given up - I just don’t get it - is loyalty and respect so hard to find? I ask for things that are free- if I was married I wouldn’t talk badly about my spouse- I wouldn’t talk on social media with other men - I wouldn’t have lunch with male co-workers alone- does this not exist anymore I apologize if I am offending men in this post (I just want some advice on outlook)I seem to be surrounded my men that are non-loyal and I can’t help but think - is this it? Should I be okay with this ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): I'm going to answer the question as a guy. Go pour yourself a glass of wine or a cup of tea.
In many of my own single-female friends, relatives, and lady associates; I have noticed the same cynicism about males. I pickup the same consensus of opinion from women who write to this site. Considering most of them who do write; have a problem with a man, or men.
I've been able to do my own little personality-assessments and surveys about the women I know well; and how they choose menfolk. I'm gay, and I've compared my data to other gay-men; and myself. We gay men can think like men; so we know ourselves from the male's point of view. It's our advantage. However; gay-men seem to be emotional and insecure about the same stuff as women. Go figure?!!
There is a general misconception and idealistic notion about love and how to conduct a relationship. Commitment and smothering seem interchangeable. Confusion of what love and trust (word often said, never done) is, and what that requires. Many of the women I know (who are still single) have such a negative-attitude about men; that they are quite defensive, or catty in the presence of males. They want our attention; but the vibe around them is caustic/hostile. Not realizing how naturally highly-perceptive men are to their negative-vibes. Hint-hint!
Our "fight or flee" instinct is highly-evolved and exquisitely-developed!
I go as far as to say, the men they seem most attracted to are really bad-choices. Hot, sexy, butch/masculine; but lousy choices. I suspect, either because they had poor male role-models of men from their fathers; or the absence of a father in their lives altogether. They don't have much to go on as to what a good-man is. Their mothers had bad experiences with males as well, as I've been told. I tend to listen when girls talk, and ask them a lot of questions. I take mental-notes. I'm gay, not stupid! I'm still male!!! The masculine-kind, not effeminate! We come in all textures, shapes, sizes, and ranges of masculinity. We can blend without detection; or standout like a sour-thumb!
The funny thing is, these poor ladies hardly see their own faults or weaknesses. They blame men for making them that way...(???) They bash the hell out of males; but don't we dare! How many do they know to sum us all up??? How do you choose the categories? What's good, or bad?
All men, or the handful they've chosen from the pile? All by themselves, I might add!
How are they consistently fooled???
I've risked getting my brains knocked-out; because they like aggressive overly-macho types who are either physically or verbally-abusive. It's like they are addicted to that type. They leave one, and replace him with another. Being a friend and protector; I've tried to save those I love from themselves! Bad move on my part; but I love her!
They look at nice-guys as weak or pussies. (Pardon the word!) I've even heard it said they want a guy who makes them feel safe or who can fight?!!! They want a man to be a man. My question is, what prototype or example are you going by? Hollywood, magazine-portrayals, or your ornery dad?
I've even asked, what do you want in a man? They want him to be strong, masculine, have a good job, and to make her feel like a woman. They want him to be loving and affectionate; but they want him to be the one who wears the pants. Yet respect their rights and power as women. So, exactly what is that? Site your examples and inform him! Demonstrate!
Here's what I know about these ladies and their personalities; based on the things I've overheard through eavesdropping, or said directly to me. They have issues about their bodies. They fuss about their weight. They're either over-confident or have low self-esteem. They have high-maintenance issues. They put their insecurities first. They believe men should adapt and adjust to them. Not fix them before they insert themselves into relationships!
They never feel pretty enough. They seldom trust or support other women. They check their boyfriend's phones, and feel they have a right to. They seem to have frequent complaints about their relationships. It's his fault. They seem to easily pick fights, don't let go of things, and blame the next guy for what the last guy did. They don't really like nice-guys. They think we expect too much, set higher standards for females; and have unrealistically high expectations for women. Know why? Because we're worth it!!!
WHAT????!!!!! Hope you didn't choke or spill your tea!
Date effectively and for fun. Go against your usual "type." Give the nice-guy a chance, but be a nice-gal first. Your ex did it, the new-guy doesn't have to pay for it. Don't believe he loves you just because he says he does; but because he shows it without asking him to.
If you go through a bin of apples at the market; you'll keep picking until you find one without blemishes or defects. You fuss over shoes and a dress until you find the perfect pair or fit. You will return an entire outfit if you don't think you look good in it.
Use the same discretion and patience you use in finding a man as you use in picking out the right shoes or an outfit. Don't be afraid to let go, when you see too many red-flags. Stop searching for something permanent, you have to see how well it fits before you buy it. A man should make you feel safe; but he should feel you've got his back. Love takes time to connect and solidify. He may see your physical flaws; but dislike your personality-flaws even less!
When you're out on a date. Just because he says he wants kids, a house, and car in the driveway; doesn't mean he wants you to be the wife. He's only looking into the future; he has no idea who she will be, until he gets to know her. Just because he's with you doesn't mean you're her! He may not be the husband you're looking for. Don't let your biological-clock or your girlfriends being married be the deciding-factor to keep the loser, or lower your standards.
Keep trying until you find him. Improve yourself and get-over your insecurities before you find him. He's on his way, and going through exactly what you are. Meeting losers, heart-breakers, and hating his own flaws and weaknesses. Hoping he will find someone to love him as much as he loves her. Honey, we're all in the same boat! Have patience, and a positive-attitude. Look around you, all women don't have losers for boyfriends and husbands. Somebody's getting it right! We're all bad just because you've had a string of losers? Stuff happens, that's life! Keep living, and time and perseverance will reward you with a winner. You've got to be a winner too!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): Everything Honeypie has said is appropriate and she has given you some really good advice.I'd only add that the flirtatious and disrespectful behaviour of the men you work with is probably affecting you a lot more because of earlier experiences of your mother being betrayed. You have, I think, experienced the pain of her betrayal and it has effectively become your own. This means that the way you are viewing the world is on 'red alert' for any signs of anything that could cause this similar pain - so you are reading the men's behaviour through a filter and only seeing it in a very extreme way.NOW this is not to say that the behaviour isn't horrible - I'm not for a moment saying it doesn't exist or that it is acceptable. I'm simply saying you are on constant, red alert, looking for possible signs that their behavoiur will amount to this very deep betrayal that has hurt you so much.If you can imagine a situation in which it is acceptable for people to engage in very light flirting, simply because they are human, and whether they are married or not, then probably about 10% of what you are seeing will be that. But in your case, it does sound like the other 90% is a combination of being around a particular kind of man / men AND your own fear of being hurt and betrayed like your mother was.I'd suggest move jobs to somewhere where there are nicer people - I used to work in the construction industry, with responsibility for managing over 50 men, and I can tell you I grew to detest working there because I felt like every day I was subjected to their inappropriate behaviour. It made no difference that I was their boss. Try to find somewhere where there are better educated men - at least they will probably have learned to control their behaviour. Also, for your inner pain, I'd really suggest some counselling to understand how your mother's experiences have affected you, and how you can separate off from those feelings in a healthy way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 January 2018):
 Decent men (and women) do exist.
I think bad behavior is more obvious and because of your past you see these patterns much easier than you notice a "decent guy" and his behavior.
The things is, OP - you have REALLY great tools at your fingertips, you KNOW the signs, you KNOW the red flags so avoiding THESE kind of men should (in theory) be easier for you, than perhaps many other women, to suss out the "bad apples".
You can't condemn half the World's population. It's just not right or fair. It's like saying all men are rapists or potential rapists. I think that is HIGHLY unfair. Having a penis doesn't mean they ALL think, feel and act the same way. Just like having ovaries doesn't mean you are automatically a domestic goddess or always vain - or whatever...
You see ONE or twp crappy married men at work behaving badly towards his wife and marriage - doesn't mean ALL married men do this. I know MY husband doesn't. I know quite a few other husband's who doesn't.
How do you change? Well, I think it comes down to, DO you REALLY want to change? Or do you prefer being this negative and jaded because it help you keep up those walls and helps you avoid getting into relationship and friendships with men?
I think part of your attitude is because you don't want to get hurt (no one does) and partly to distance yourself from behaviors you don't like. It's definitely more protection for YOU than your actual World View - if I am not mistaken. It helps you support the "I don't want to date because all men are bad" theory. It's like little kids and vegetables. They have tasted (example) Brussels-sprouts and think ALL green things must have a strong taste and yikes! It's a tad nonsensical.
You have a decent and high moral standard. You know what YOU would give a partner and expect in return. The married guy at work AND his wife, doesn't. Trust me SHE knows she is married to a twat. Why she stays? Who knows, HER choice and HIS choice. Maybe she is a twat too?
Should you be OK with the FACT that there are people out there with a much lower standard of values, ethics and morals? Well, I don't think you have a choice. But you also need to recognize that there ARE people out there who have a higher level of standards, than your average crappy lecherous married male coworker.
Do you socialize at all? Meet new people? Enjoy and share hobbies with others? If not, maybe YOU need to get out of your comfort-zone and meet new people (men included) NOT to DATE, but to make friendships. Maybe you will come across some of the better specimens.
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