A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long distance relationship and for that reason I feel It is not where it would be if I were with the person regularly. I don't feel I can ask him things or I can't tell if it's too soon or if I'm imposing too much on him etc...my default is deciding for the both of us a situation. I have a bad pattern of just wanting to run away instead of trying to give him a chance to fix the thing that doesn't work for me because telling him means I have to be vulnerable and sometimes I feel that is too much for me. I am trying so hard to be a good communicator I let him know just last week several things I was upset about- but at the same time I feel so bottled up and anxious about things I don't know if we can fix. I'm afraid I'm going to break us up even though I don't want to but will do it out of some kind of defense mechanism because it's easier to leave than to work on it even though I want us to work on it.I'm afraid he doesn't want to work on it and I decide for him he doesn't care or want to work on it. Likely related I have a hard time not seeing relationship problems as make or break. How do I break these patterns? It makes it difficult to sustain a relationship when it feels like part of you tries to sabotage it.
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): I'm also in a LDR. My suggestion is to begin doing the following:1. Call him on the phone and talk. Not Skype.. Not Facetime. Simply do nothing else but hold the phone to your ears and sit in a quiet room without any distractions and TALK. Talk for a minimum of one hour each day. Listen to each other's voice. Talk about anything and everything you want. By doing this, you will grow more comfortable with each other and learn more about each other. This will help you build trust and comfort.2. When you feel emotional or upset about something.. instead of thinking that you have to explain and show your vulnerable side, simply state the issue and state how you'd like him to change. Example would be : You don't like going to McDonald's because it brings backbad memories from your childhood. Instead of explaining exactly why you don't want to go to McDonald's, just simply state: Honey, please promise me never to take me to McDonald's... Please take me to Burger King if you're wanting a hamburger. By telling him your dislike and what you want him to d instead, helps build trust. I know that in time, you will begin to open up and feel more comfortable around each other. Arranging to meet in person every so often is important as well!!Good Luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): Do you have any real-time interaction; or is your LDR completely conducted between devices, and through social media?
Unless you have a well-established relationship before the separation; it's difficult to really make and maintain true emotional-bonding; and evaluate each other as personalities, rather than computer pen-pals.
You are coming to the point, and the realization; that you need more personal and intimate contact with a person. You are suffering from message-fatigue.
You can't truly express your feelings and emotions one on one like you do in a real-time relationship. There is too much space between you to do that. Expressions of emotions lose meaning being sent as messages on a device. A phone-call doesn't make the same emotional-impact as being face to face, in the same room, and actually feeling the heat radiating from the body beside you.
Skyping is more like watching television, than having a warm and personal conversation. I don't care what anyone says in defense of it. People need to be with people, and be personal about it. You lose something when you don't stay in practice. You still feel lonely and love-deficient after awhile. Even if you've been chatting for hours.
It's really tough to maintain a romantic and emotional connection with a person; absent a warm body, the sensation of touch, the feel of a chest with a live heartbeat. How long can you maintain anything real without actually sharing closeness?
You're growing weary of the 21st-century version of a romance; which has no real feeling, and the benefit of sharing your time and immediate location. You're actually trying to force your long-distance romance to be as fulfilling and intimate as if he was right there with you.
That's why you feel bottled-up and anxious; about to explode with emotions you can't express and release to him from woman to man. Dying to have nothing between you but a few inches of air and space.
You're frustrating yourself in the process.
Perhaps the sabotaging comes from frustration; because your basic human needs are not being met, and you just feel like letting it go. I can fully understand that.
It's time for something real. You need human-contact, caressing, companionship, hugs, kisses, sex, and hand-holding.
If trying to hold-on to this LDR deprives you of all the things you crave; it would be wise to just end it. There has to be concrete hope that you will come together soon; or the mind and heart grows hopeless and frustrated. How can you workout emotional issues, when you have to conduct everything between calls and messaging? It's so cold and ineffective.
Seriously?!!
Get yourself a real romance and let this LDR go. No more make-believe. Aren't you tired of having such limited contact and sterile communication? You need a real relationship closer to where you live.
...............................
|
