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age
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writes: Is it possible to be happy with your life as a man and be a virgin? I feel like I have a cloud over my life because women dont find me attractive enough to have sex with. I've tried many ways to improve my confidence and it all seems to be temporary. I'm turning 23 and entering the age range where being a virgin makes me weird. Valentines day is coming up and I feel very depressed.I've had romantic interactions with women, a girlfriend in high school, a couple hookups but that's it. I'm so ashamed of people learning that too. I never had penetrative sex with my ex because we were too young in high school. I tried downloading those hookup apps and while I get numbers sometimes I never seem to be the guy women want to sleep with.I know if I keep up my studies I'll be rich enough for many to want to settle down with, but that feels empty and I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't sexually attracted to me.I'm trying on honing my social skills and ask them out more and so far its all rejections. I'm getting used to it but it hurts each time.At one point I wanted a full satisfying sex life but now its impossible because most people are better at sex than me since they've had it. Worse thing is,I'm attempting to quit relying on porn(since its my only release) and Its making me angry/depressed without any sexual outlet. I need some advice on what to do. Please.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 February 2016):
 Sexual attraction is not so black and white. It ranges from total disgust, can do, lukewarm attraction, wanting to make love, wanting to have sex regularly for health, to make each other happy, and finally just have to have sex because of instinct, some crazy passion. The kind of sex you want only happens in 5% in real life, and mostly in romance novels. Most people in relationships have the kind of sex that's for bonding purposes. Long term couples have sex that's comfortable and for maintenance. That doesn't mean empty and unhappy though. Very few people actually find their spouse so vile that they wouldn't even touch them.
If people had mentioned to you that you sound great on paper, and you are a catch, that's enough.
Another reason why you are not having success is that you still live with parents. When you are teenagers, people would sneak around and make out in cars, in basements or in empty classrooms. As a college graduate you can't do that anymore. Most people would expect that by the age of 23 you are living on your own. It's a good thing you are moving out soon.
When girls hear that you are still living with parents they would have their reservations. They may even feel you are one of those who let parents dictate who they marry. There's a lot of prejudice against middle eastern people. Your cousins could be dating a lot but people still worry that you may end up marrying someone that your parents approve. That alone would make girls stay away from you. They might also have stereotypes that middle eastern men do not treat women as equal. They want them to be submissive. They feel uncomfortable with a culture they did not grow up in. Until you live by yourself women do not see you as an adult, an individual. They still feel you are heavily influenced by your family and your traditions.
Girls should base a relationship on substantial qualities, like financial stability and kindness. Women who base relationships on sexual attraction alone often find themselves exploited, when the attraction fades and the men get bored. That doesn't mean if a girl likes you for initially for nonsexual qualities, that she's not sexually attracted to you. Although a basic requirement is that when she looks into your eyes, there's a spark. You can fall in love and kissing is pleasurable.
Realistically, sex can't be mind blowing for the rest of your life. Players who do not care about women's feelings would have to switch new partners to keep their sex life exciting. One day you would look back and feel you wasted so much time obsessing over sex. There is no such thing as fully satisfying sex life. Only fully satisfying relationship because in long term relationships you put priority on other things than sexual gratification.
If you've had not had sex, that's because you respect social rules, and you have ethics. You would feel horrible if your female friend got raped. So what if the next woman decides she wants to be your wife? That just means you are doing right and it would be silly to wish for the alternative. You are just saying "empty" because you refuse to accept you can't be the one who plays around. That hasn't happened yet. Don't panic until you have to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): Some day, you and many other male virgins in their 20's will figure-out that you can't approach women for the sole purpose of getting your rocks off and losing your virginity. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and if you suffer from arrested-development; then therapy is surely your only recourse.
The ladies instantly take a disliking to a weirdo coming at them like a suppressed sex-maniac drooling and chomping at the bit. They don't mind that side of you; once you've captured their hearts, have shown them you care on different levels, and in different ways. They want to feel desired. Not only for sex, but to keep around for companionship and commitment.
It may not be visible to the naked-eye, but females pickup the "weirdo/oddball" signals. I am gay, and can tell when someone is not the least interested in a word I'm saying; and eyeing me like something to eat. Only being nice for the purpose of getting close, and bringing down my guard. That is soooo predatory and scary! Gay men are the same as straight men when it comes to that! If not worse!
Women are very perceptive, and judge you by your approach. They instinctively know that you should stay a safe distance away; when it is obvious a guy is a little "off."
Your therapy helps you to determine your issues? Good!
Because you should put more emphasis on dating and socializing. Practicing the art of being comfortable in the company of females. Seeing them more for who they are, than what they have between their legs.
Cool your jets! Stop thinking behind your zipper, and use the head above your collar. Be interesting, and work on your self-confidence and social graces. Stop over-analyzing women like creatures from some other realm of reality. Just because they won't put-out for you instantly, doesn't mean they don't like you. Nor does it mean they don't have the hots for you. You're repeatedly doing something that scares them away!
It's probably the weirdness and creepiness that comes off because you're over-anxious about getting nooky. All goofy and antsy with sexual-frustration.
Take it a step at a time. Learn how to approach and relax, and use charm. Be real and work on your social-awkwardness.
I'm sure 99.99% of the guys who come to DC claiming they're still virgins well over 20, have difficulty relating to both sexes. If you can't make a friend, it's a good chance you can't bag a date.
Not necessarily you, but many of these 20-something-plus virgins don't know how to relax. Mix and mingle, and simply enjoy the company of people.
You have to stop living inside your head. Come out and live among other human beings. You have to learn that women are just people. They like you to be charming, they prefer you talk to them and find out things about them; and tell them things about yourself. If it feels too creepy to share, it is. They don't need a dissertation on your virginity and inability to attract females. They don't need pathetic displays to get sympathy-sex. They want you to be a man.
They like men to be well-groomed, somewhat stylish, and have a modern hairstyle. They don't care so much about body-weight; but if you carry it well, it can be attractive to them. Slobs are a turnoff on many and all levels. They don't get sex for that reason. Smelly, unkempt, and downright nasty.
Over-shyness can be adorable, or downright weird and frustrating. "Cuties" and "hotties" getaway with everything (at the beginning). "Average-guys" get a huge pass (they have great potential). "Not-so-hots" have to work a little harder. Yet I've dated some pretty amazing "not-so-hots." They compensate with talent, character, intellect, and kindness. They often are fantastic lovers. Experienced or not. They learn quickly! It's all about charm! It's not always looks that get the prize!
Try to have good conversation and have some fun with women in a variety of ways; before wondering how you can get under her skirt to learn how to have sex. Be suave and have swagger! They love that!
Take genuine interest in females, for more than wanting to objectify them for the purpose of losing your virginity. Keep your frigging sexual-frustration in check. If it oozes out of you, everyone will avoid you. People pickup on your aura, general behavior, and how you carry yourself. That's what makes us appealing.
Acting like a rejected adolescent over 20 years of age, just doesn't attract women. Just the opposite. However; some like the pitiful-puppy routine. Even that grows old. Being clever in a slimy way rubs everyone the wrong way.
That comes off really creepy, and that's what often makes them avoid certain types of guys.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): The young are so concerned about themselves and pick holes in themselves so readily, dont they?
Firstly you need to realise that the whole fantastic love dream that you are subscribing to doesnt really exist except in movies where millionaires hook up with naughty but nice girls who are on a very temporary stint of hooking because their life is going wrong and this leads to love and romance and happiness and sex.
Why are you have a go at yourself because you didnt have full penetrative sex in high school.
That is something to be proud of.
You got a bit touchy feely but never went the full route and thats fine, so many other young men can say exactly the same.
You are on course to be successful.
That is a wonderful achievement.
Theres nothing wrong with you except that you have overromanticised love and relationships.
A whole load of people pick themselves up and wait for the right person.
Dont stress about valentines day .
Its no big deal.
Its just another commercial day.
To about two thirds of the population it means nothing.
A whole load of people even forget it exists.
People have fantastic valentines days in the movies.
In real life its just another day of the week.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2016):
 Great title :) It had me flipping frantically through my American slang dictionary, before I realized that you have a problem with women, not with web-footed birds ...
Back to business. So, OP, I have already answered your posts several other times , and tbh, I am running short of ideas and sentences to encourage you, spur you, chide you or comfort you. But I am sure that other DC colleagues may have something helpful to say to you, so I leave this part to them.
The part I will say my opinion about is the one referring to porn.
I think you 'd do very well to stop watching it ( and not to " try " only ) and this has got nothing to do with a moral angle.
Simply, I think that some of your skewed perspective and bizarre notions about love and women and desire and sexual gratification etc. come precisely from learning about sex not through trial and error, or not even, say, from classic erotic BOOKS, if sex feels so completely out of reach for you. I think that you may have a tendency to take things too literally, and that you feel that porn sex is real sex, or good sex, or sex as women want it and as it should be IRL. Nothing more untrue than this.
I think that the hours you devote to porn, you could devote them to being around women, flirting, talking to them, feeling good around them - whether there's a good chance they may put out for you or not. Yes yes, I know you told us several times that you have no problem talking to women or approaching them , it's just that they always friendzone you - well, it may be presumptuous of me, but I don't quite believe it. I believe it that if they turn you down is not because you are not tall or you are not a WASP or you are not filthy rich yet, - forgive me but, based on the massive exchange of posts , it must be that they perceive something slightly weird, slightly off- and slightly ( or more than slightly ) off putting. Your desperation, your OCD thoughts, your obsession with sex or lack of the same, your social anxiety and maladjustment peeping through a veener of friendliness and good manners.... something. And it is a something, like a ..sort of a bad scent - that it is often developped by people who rely too heavily on porn and which follows them around in their interaction with women.
It maybe useful to you to wean yourself off porn for a while ,lastly- because the fact itself that you have so much trouble letting go of it, and doing without makes you angry and depressed- well, these are the sign of an addiction. You want to nip it in the bud before it blooms fully.
You don't believe me ? Just check with some friend who quit smoking cigarettes , they'll tell you ;half of they time they were weepy and the other half lashing out like mad Dobermans.
You do not have give up to sexual release of course. What about dear old good masturbation ? By itself ? It's healthy,sane, safe , natural, .. well I guess it may become an addiction too for addictive personalities, but at least it won't ess with your thoughts and feelings as much as porn.
Unless, you are telling us that you don't feel able to, ahem, i'll create a new euphemism in honour of this beautiful title, - able to spank your duck without the visual support of porn. Which, I think, would be even more troubling, and a clear sign that you NEED to take a break from it.
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