A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:I am what you call a "real life Samantha Jones". I'm a 47 year old woman who lost her virginity when she was 12. Throughout my teen years after that, I had seven sex partners. One of which was my first love who I lost my virginity to (we were together just under three years).In college, I had 23 sex partners. Nearly half of them were threesomes and lesbian affairs. In grad school (I'm a gynecological doctor), I had 17 sex partners; three of which were professors.During my internship at the hospital I'm now in private practice for, I had 10 more sex partners; one of which was a man I dated for almost 1.5 years. My longest relationship to date lasted 5.5 years and I cheated on him several times (twice with the same married man). We were engaged, too. I was 31 to 36 then.I've had 18 more sex partners since then (I remember these numbers because I'm just that damn good). But now that I'm 47, I feel like the last 35 years have been ripped away from me in the sex department. I don't know how to feel anymore about myself.No wonder I was called a slut several times throughout high school and college! I was the intern after grad school that actually slept with six attending physicians to advance to private practice!I know the numbers above seem ridiculous but Tiger Woods is not the only one who can have fun! All I really want to know is how to slow down and actually BE with ONE man. Preferably someone a lot younger. (Since I reached that "age" 15 years ago, I tend to be the cougar type.)I'm sick of just having sex. I don't want marriage or kids, I just want one man and me being the only woman for him. How do I achieve this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Uh, sorry, but I think this calls for some brutal honesty: you're not going to be able to achieve this. Only the most hapless, socially delayed, pitifully low self-esteemed, sexually desperate young man would settle for a monogamous relationship with a 47-year-old woman with dozens upon dozens upon dozens - upon dozens! - of previous sexual partners.
The only young man you're going to get is one who's going to use you for sex the way you've used countless men yourself. Going for men your own age with either equal or more prolific sexual histories of their own is the only way you're going to settle into a monogamous relationship.
I'm not even trying to be judgmental here, I'm just telling you the cold, hard truth. Absolutely no young man in his right mind would choose to settle down with you when he's in his prime and has other options to choose from. Ask yourself honestly: why would he?
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 A start might be to assume monogogy is a great thing. Any time you think you're going to want to "mess around" with others just hold in your mind's eye that it is him that's about to cheat.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): FYI, I'm a physician, and you sound like you could be someone I knew years ago (probably not but the story sounds familiar).
You really need a good a VERY GOOD counselor, not just "a counselor", and you will likely need to go through several to find one that works well with you.
You definitely need therapy first. I'm hope this doesn't sound harsh, but without that you will never figure out anything at this point.
You were sexualized at a very young age, you are probably intelligent, probably attractive physically, and probably very skilled at hiding things you don't like about yourself and stuffing down things that don't make you feel good about yourself and covering them up with other things (sex, booze, drugs, work, etc). You also work in a branch of medicine that has a long and terrible history of not treating women very well, despite being "all about caring for women".
Get help, and good luck.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Most of the comments on this thread will give you the proper attitude/motivation; I'm going to focus on the practical actions that must be taken. Bear in mind, this will be fairly brutal - the dating scene will show no mercy, so you must be prepared to face the worst of it.The quick and easy solution is to find a best gay friend.If you want a full-on relationship with a guy, you'll have to fight their perceptions every step of the way. Guys will believe certain things about you, and whether those beliefs are accurate or not, you have to calmly, politely argue against them without allowing yourself to resent the guy for even asking. Swallow your pride and deal with the judgment, don't lash out at it.Let go any dreams of Samantha Jones. Emulating her is about as realistic as me emulating Captain Kirk. They are fictional characters specifically designed to appeal to their target audience without regard to reality.Being 47, with 75 sex partners, and a history of infidelity, plus having lost your virginity at 12, is going to set off every alarm bell men have. You'll have to focus on older guys - probably those in their 50's (preferably divorced guys, men who haven't been married by that age have no intention of committing), as younger guys will be seeking significantly less-experienced girls in their 20's who want children. 99% of younger guys who date you will just be looking for a quick lay.Lying about your past is immoral, but nothing says you have to bring it up unless asked. I'll admit that lying is probably going to be the most effective way to keep a man, but that will be a barrier to getting the intimacy you desire. You'll feel that he doesn't really know you, and you'll be right.To disarm the alarm bells, develop the most feminine, nurturing, forgiving persona you can - don't cuss, don't talk about past lovers, don't use sexually explicit language, don't nag. Dress modestly, let guys ramble on about their interests, and learn to cook. Put up with the minor things he does that bother you, but politely demand respect for the major things. In other words, be the kind of woman a man would want to grow old with.Never say you've changed, and never speak about your past with any kind of shame or regret - except about the infidelity. For the first, guys will decide for themselves if you've changed; telling them you have will actually convince them you have not. For the latter, it will convince guys that you have no pride or self-control, and the last thing thye want to hear is that you act on every whim and only feel bad later.Even with all this, the odds are pretty low. As I said, right or wrong, all but a handful of guys will see you as one big warning to others. Kill that perception with kindness.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 September 2010):
 I think you could benefit from counseling as well. I don't see your sexual history as anything bad though. I have friends who based their whole life on one sexual encounter after another for years. It seemed to keep them happy, so who am I to judge?
The thing is.. it seems to me like you stopped growing ( in certain regards) and therefor kept the same pattern of having sex as a way to maybe feel loved? You are now READY to grow up ;) Getting a little help from a professional might do the trick.
Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Truly speaking practically you will never to be what you want now. There is a limit on how much down on the well you have fallen to be able to come up off the well. Obviously you have been so different in your values, beliefs, and morals, so it will be hard or impossible to change over night at your age where you have passed 2/3 of your life with yourself and you have been comfortable with your deeds and thoughts.
Now only a saint shadow can influence your life to the extent you want. You need to to develop the company of people who are like you want to be. ( and may be 10 times more than what you want to be ). This may help you achieve your GOAL. Keep working on it.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 If you lost your virginity at 12, and with your true love of 3 years, then you started dating at 9?
But aside from that. How to be a one man woman? I think that wanting to be one is all you need. You want to only be with one man.. then what is stopping you? Finding the right guy for this is the tricky part. You can't just go for the first and best that offers itself, you need to keep a good standard.
I am sorry that this will sound offensive, but I had a friend who used to sleep around a lot. More than you. Had around 20-something partners before she turned 18. She never had standards, she just took whatever offered itself. Resulting in a lot of very bad boyfriends.
So, based on my experience with her, I am worried that you don't have high enough standards. Like married men. They are off limits. Not because you can't have them... but because you really dont want them! If you want to be a one man woman you really need a classy guy to be a one woman man too. It might take a bit of work to find the right guy, but if you just pick whatever guy comes along you will soon find yourself bored with him, or disgusted by him, and want to go elsewhere.
Stay focused on what you want. At all times. If you tend to loose track of what you want when you are drunk, stop drinking to that extent. Avoid other things that you know will make you loose perspective of what you want. From now on you are a one man woman, and take respect in yourself. Doesn't matter what you did in the past, this is what you want now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): First of all, there's nothing to be ashamed of about your past! The numbers aren't ridiculous, and you shouldn't feel bad. You're clearly a really bright, intelligent, vibrant person, and you took the actions you took knowing exactly what you were doing, and had a ton of fun in the process. You're nobody's fool and nobody's victim. It's just plain reactionary nonsense to call a woman who slept with a lot of guys a slut, so don't take those jealous and misogynistic comments on board!
But it sounds like you're ready for a change, ready to try something different. Which is also fine. To be honest, from where I'm standing you've already taken the first critical step towards a monogamous relationship: deciding that you want one. The most important advice I can give you is that sex isn't an uncontrollable urge - it's something we can govern, a decision that we can make. Getting naked with someone is far from being the most intimate relationship you can have - being emotionally and physically close is a much bigger, scarier, more overwhelming, but also more wonderful thing. And maybe when you find the right person, someone you are ready to be intimate with in more ways than the merely sexual, you will feel like you're more ready for that responsibility of governing your own desires to be true not just to someone else, but to an idea, or even an ideal, in yourself of being a 'one man woman', if that is what you want.
Look at it this way - when you open yourself up to a real, close connection with someone on a fundamental level, then cheating on them isn't just a violation of their trust in you - it's also a self-violation. It's not about getting caught - because as soon as you've done it, you've been unfaithful to your own idea of that closeness and that relationship that is a part of yourself as much as it is a part of the other person.
However, as I said before, being emotionally intimate with someone can be a tremendously scary and difficult thing to handle. It might take time for you to feel comfortable with that - as another poster said, it's possible that you have established a pattern of using sex to avoid intimacy, which means going through quite a big shift to establish a monogamous relationship. Therapy might help here, but also something more simple- being conscious about the decisions you are making.
Related to this, it can also be very hard to feel comfortable with yourself in your own skin, and to feel that you don't have anything to 'prove'. One comment that you made struck me - when you said that you slept with people to get on in life. I wonder if you don't undervalue your skills and talents here. I suspect that someone like you would have made it in any case, whether they had slept with people or not! I also wonder whether this points to a wider pattern in the way you have used sex sometimes in the past - as something you can do to affirm yourself in various ways (boosting your career, confirming your personal attractiveness)? If this is the case (and I am speculating from a chance comment, so it may not be) maybe you no longer need to do that - maybe you've reached a point where you're comfortable enough with yourself, and with your place in the world, to find the confirmation you need inside yourself, instead of looking for it externally. I think you should feel confident in your ability to get by on your own terms, in your capacity to make conscious decisions about what you want and stick to them.
I wish you all the best for what sounds like a very exciting future! Please feel free to message me if you want to talk further!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Don't worry about it. You seem perfectly normal to me - some women just like sex.
I met my husband at 32 (at which point I'd had just shy of 40 men) so no doubt I'd be getting close to getting my centurion wings by now (100) :)
I never felt that I was using men just for sex and in fact have some pretty healthy casual relationships come out of one nighters. At the end of the day I was just never bothered about committed relationships or marriage and took a very special someone to make me settle down.
Settle down I did though and for the past 11 years I have been completely faithful. It's all about finding that partner that will make you want to be with just him for the rest of your life.
I also recommend getting a guy that's been around the block himself, guys can be so touchy about their girlfriends/wives etc having had more partners then they have and it just never ends well.
Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): I used to be "Samantha" after I broke up with my ex too. I started looking around for guys to satisfy my sexual desires. It lasted for more than a year, before I started to think if this is the way I want my life to be. That was when I was 26. It's getting a little boring because I felt as though sex isn't everything. I needed love.
It was only until then when I met one of these guys (who eventually became my boyfriend), he asked for exclusivity. I thought wow, this is unpredicted. I thought it was only a ONS. I can say now that he rescued me from the loneliness I was in.
In your case, find someone who has ever asked you for exclusivity. You'll eventually fall in love, even you didn't in the first place. The feeling will be overwhelming.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Well you have to really want it. And you also have to figure out why you gravitate toward this kind of interaction with men. Perhaps you had an "inconsistent" home life. I quote inconsistent because I don't want to allude to it being right or wrong, but just simply that perhaps you didn't have the typical values growing up that alot of other kids have. Such as the monogamous mother and father. Perhaps yours jumped in and out of relationships, and that is the type of behavior you are familiar with.
Growing up myself in a "dysfunctional" home, I know what it is like to feel like an anomoly. Monkey see, monkey do, we repeat behaviors that we see. In this case, it is quite a struggle to change and fight who we have been for so long, in a lot of cases through no fault of our own. It takes alot of falling and getting back up to learn. But it can be done. Just takes perseverance and a true feeling that you you really want this.
Why exactly do you feel the need to settle down now? Are you unhappy with your lifestyle? Are you looking to fit in? Or is there a more profound reason, perhaps you feel in your gut/heart that you would like to share your life with one person? Are you looking for the one? Or are you simply looking for someone you share common interests with that you are attracted to that you can share a real long term relationship with?
I personally cannot be involved with someone unless I am inlove. And for me to fall inlove is rare. Some people are less picky.
You need to answer all these questions and really figure out what it is you want. Once you know what you want and you want it for all the right reasons, (your happiness is all that matters), then everything will fall into place and you will find exactly what you are looking for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Wow. I actually had to grab a calculator for this one. Second, I congratulate you for rising to such a lofty professional stature and still finding time to fuck like that.
Well, stop thinking of yourself as a slut. You simply love sex...nothing wrong with that. And aside from cheating that time and using men to advance your career, I'd say you kept it pretty straight. That said, as a fairly monogamous guy about 10 years your junior, and having slept with about a tenth of your number (however, I was married for 15 years)...I'd run for the hills if any woman told me she was with 75 guys. Not because I'd have a problem with the sex or even diseases, but rather the lack of self-awareness. If you cant find what you want in a partner after so many men (and OK, I'll grant you that most of them were probably just for sex and not you trying to find Mr. right), then you probably aren't cut out to be with a life partner..at least not with the way you've been. You must feel very emotionally lost when it comes to understanding men. I'm not criticizing...some people are very involved in their llives, careers and goals, and do not "see" other people as they traverse through life. You are one of these people. You see yourself. You have a strong self image. You are probably a very assertive, dominant woman, and know how to get what you want and need. You are self aware when it comes to all things material, but not all things emotional. Until now. Something has changed, and your self awareness has grown to see that part of yourself that needs a male counterpart. Good for you.
How do you achieve this. Well, you need to seek to understand the soul of a man. It is not his penis, libido, physique, cars or careers. It is his soul. The things he sees, hears and thinks of. His ideas, dreams and contributions to the world. Make yourself part of those things first, and see what you feel. Find a man who is passionate about something other than sex alone, and endulge in that with him. In fact, maybe pick a man you have no intention of having sex with so the temptation is not even there. Get to really KNOW a man...any man. It's not going to happen like Samantha...where she found a guy she missed and longed for above all others. It doesn't just come along or "happen". You have to put something there other than sex that you miss and long for. Analyze what you miss and long for in other relationships...with friends or family. I'll bet you haven't had these things with very many men in your life. I've never fallen in love with a woman's body or how good she was in bed...I've fallen in love with her soul. The part of her that is like the little girl she was long before I ever met her. That's where you'll find it. And I'm sure when you find it, the sex will be rocking!
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (14 September 2010):
I guess no'ones perfect! you know what you need? is therapy
seriously. if you ever want to be happy with someone and most importantly w/ yourself. and the cougar thing is part of your problem it's a tention thing w/ you and that is how you get it. and you also don't want to realize your getting older that is why you preferr younger men they make you feel younger and live younger!
Best Wishes!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 September 2010):
 On a side note, not all men use women. And once I stopped my Ms. Jones ways it only took 2 boyfriends and a small fling later to meet my husband.
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 September 2010):
Wow, Samantha was my favorite, so powerful to tip the scales and use men just like they use women. I had a brief moment where I tuned into my young inner Samantha, (engaged to a man no sex for a year and a half will make a woman go crazy) from brunette to blonde , dressed in the nines, I was finding dick and not taking names or call backs. I had engineers, bartenders, a firefighter, an EMT, even a DJ. It was like you fun while it lasted, but where was this really getting me? Even though I didn't want to admit it my feelings were lost..Decided I would stop these charades and date one man. You first have to figure out what you want in a man. What exactly are you looking for? If it helps write it out. Next, seek that man. You will have to stick to casual dates, most of mine didn't make it past the first date. It was like conducting a job interview...And you must refrain from sex. I held out for about 2-3 weeks in the stage of getting to know each other. I believe that once before you are officially in a relationship is reasonable. When, you find this man you can't make it all about sex because you'll tire of him and the relationship really fast. Just tune into those emotions you still have and keep a lid on your hormones. Every Samantha can find her Smith Jerrod.
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reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Is it possible you are a sex addict? If so you may need to start therapy to break the cycle. But then again I don't have to tell you that...If you truly want to be with just one man, by all means don't tell him how many men you've been with. It'll scare him to death and send him running for the door. You must take the time to get to know a guy in the absense of sex. This will allow you to understand who he is as a person and create companionship. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): counseling? do you have a therapist or counselor, because it sounds like you might need one if you are still asking this basic a question after so long. if you are unhappy with your personal growth relationship=wise then it makes sense to see a professional.
my take on this is that you don't really want a relationship and you sabotage your chances to make sure you don't have one. you don't like to lose control and you don't like to answer to anyone else.
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