A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling to get past the fact that my ex-husband (of 20 yrs) has met a woman from another country on a dating website whom he has visited 3 times and holidayed in Europe with.We have a child who he is supposed to have for part of Christmas Day then for 2 weeks holiday after that per our parenting arrangement. He emailed me a few days ago advising that he will be away during this time and cannot see the child for Xmas nor the holidays afterwards.I have not asked where he is going, but I suspect that his overseas girlfriend is coming over here and spending this time with him and getting to know his family on Xmas day and doesn’t want me and children to know. Alternatively he is going back overseas to see her, but I suspect she is coming here. I have not officially been told by him that he has a new girlfriend, nor does he think I am entitled to know. He is unable to be civil to me and is still very angry and hateful towards me therefore I keep contact with him to a minimum.I am very disappointed and upset that he has put this woman ahead of his scheduled time/holiday with his child, and that he will not reply to my email messages. Child hasn’t been told by him yet about this looming situation. I know children are resilient and this time will pass.Please advise how I accept that he has moved on with his new girlfriend and how his family is accepting of the situation regarding putting this woman ahead of his own child on Xmas day and reneging on the parenting arrangements.I am very hurt by the whole divorce, and breakup as it was his decision straight after I had breast cancer, and he moved on quickly with his online Ukraine girlfriend. Not one of my ex-in-laws has reached out to me since we separated 18 months ago and I have been totally ignored by them.Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2018): Your relationship with him has been over. You have to accept that.
You should focus on what's best for your child right now. If your ex husband cannot be there for the child, try to spend as much time with your child as possible.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): As the poster I wish to than you all so very much for your helpful insightful advice. It was fantastic to get a balanced perspective from you all about my situation. Many good ideas I can use and strategies I can employ to get thru this time.
Your insight WiseOwl and about the situation and what his girlfriend may be like is probably accurate, and I do hope she goes through his wallet and bank account like a bandit, haha and is insecure about me.
Thank you again for this, it helped me get through the day when I felt very upset when I posted, and I shall refer back to your comments and advice when I feel overwhelmed by the situation again,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): We only have your side of the story on how your relationship was. But taking that aside he is displaying a bad attitude towards his child and from what you are describing he is thinking with his nether region and not his brain.Your child is no doubt old enough to work out their father and his actions without you spelling it out. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction any more of showing his behaviour bothers you.Just make the best of your time with your child, you can't change what he is doing but my gut feeling is this will amount to nothing for him.Sorry but you need to move on from him because his actions all round are unforgivable, you deserve better you know that. Sadly you can't make people see the error of their ways. Take care and look after yourself and your child, you BOTH come first x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): You've spent a life-time together and have a child between you. You don't get over something like this easily. It's painful in so many respects. My heart goes out to you and your child. I truly hope you are in remission?
There is no explanation why some people can transition and move-on so easily. For the most part; it is because, emotionally, they had a head-start. He decided he was done with your marriage some time ago. It was just a matter of time when he would finally cut-loose.
Come to terms with the reality of this situation. It's all you can do. You've got a child counting on you! He is accountable for his own actions; but your over-dramatizing the situation will only make it harder on your kid. Seeing dad being a prick, and mom falling apart! That's too much for a child of any age!
His mind and heart slowly slipped-away as the years past; but you instinctively knew that. You saw the signs. You sensed around the time that began to happen. We know our partners. We can feel any distance between us, as they pull-away. After nearly two years apart; if you can't get past this, get some professional-counseling.
If the age above your post is close to accurate, you're in your 50's. I assume your child is about 12, or in his or her early teens. They're old enough even as young as 8 to explain things to them. Be honest. Dad will not be around for Christmas. I'm sure this isn't the first-time he has disappointed the child. If he is expecting drama from you; he will avoid it like the plague.
If the divorce was a mess? There you have it! It should come as no surprise. He's punishing you.
It's best that you're honest with your kid; because it's crucial they can trust you, and know you'll be level with them. It helps them to adjust to things like you've explained. Do not show your bitterness, or be evil!
He'd rather spend time with his new lady, than an awkward and contentious Holiday with his kid, and his ex-wife. He's running from the child, his old life, and he's avoiding you. If the child is as old as 12, the child will also judge him. It's a combination of cowardice and callousness. He's selfish. All the symptoms of a middle-aged crisis.
His parents are obviously going to side with their son. He's their boy, and he can do no wrong. If they never liked you; they didn't care about your medical crisis. Especially if it occurred during the divorce. They would never want to admit they raised a prick who'd leave his wife of 20 years, and abandon his kid. All for some foreign girl he met on the internet. Your bout with cancer and married-life apparently bored him. He couldn't deal with all that anymore.
They must have met through those online sites for Eastern European and Russian women. Profiling sexy young women; using her beauty and youth to snag rich older guys from other countries; to take her away from their lives in the Ukraine. So many women have found a way of getting out by being mail-order brides or sex-workers. They tire of the men and life in their own country. They want excitement, travel, money, and a more westernized-culture. The Ukraine is quite beautiful, and modern; but it's still heavily influenced by Russia.
A foreign husband with a good job is one way to flee the country and seek a better life. To get-away from the vodka-swigging local men they despise. Once she leaves the Ukraine and gets a taste of your culture, she isn't going to want to return. He's got his hands full. She's going to go through his wallet and bank account like a bandit. I would guess she is a younger woman. Is she from Kiev? Maybe the rural outskirts?
You have to deal with your emotions; because you have little choice. You must make the best of the Holiday for you and your child as you can. You might have to stick closer to your own family. That is, with the hope you're not estranged from your own people; or too distant from them.
It is what it is. Your life has changed, and you have to adapt to it. You have to survive and find your own happiness. You have your child, and he or she has you; so you have to be strong. Put some extra effort into making this a great Holiday. You might enjoy it!
He's caught-up in trying to please her; and she's making heavy demands on him. She's insecure, because she's very much aware of you and his kid. He is trying his best to make her feel more secure by sacrificing everything. It's not as happy as it may appear on the surface. She's running the show. She wants to be the center of attention. If she's younger, he has to show he can keep-up!
Just take care of yourself and try not to dwell on him and what he's doing. It will only make you miserable.
You shouldn't dampen the child's Christmas by showing too much distress or depression. Fake-it! Put-on your happy-face! Be cheerful and loving! You have each other. This year, you will have to compensate for his lack of consideration, and being a poor excuse for a father.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (19 December 2018):
 I agree with Honeypie with regard to your inlaws … your child's grandparents … A POX ON THEM!
There isn't much you can do about your ex's choices, I recommend you keep a diary, a ruled exercise book will suit, and keep copies of emails in here (glue) and notes of any conversations you might have with him, or his family members. Providing you don't tear out any pages etc this is a document that will stand you in good stead, for down the track if your child starts blaming you for his lack of relationship with their father, or if you need to go to the family court. (If book is intact it can be used as evidence, even if you accidentally jot down a shopping list don't rip out the pages).
If the father falls down on his duty don't make excuses for him, "Dad's not going to be around this Christmas afterall"
should be sufficient, depending on child's age. Never bag the other parent to the child, never!
Draw up a list of possible activities, again age of child will determine what sort of things go on the list. You could try getting the child to pull an activity from a hat like a raffle to make it more fun, or just involve them in the arranging the school holidays. Maybe see if they can have a sleepover with a trusted school friend, or your parents, or his Uncles, Aunts etc.
If you have registered for child support the CSA and he isn't paying you can advise them of his impeding overseas trip and they will stop him from leaving until his child support debts are paid.
There are any number of support groups for supporting parents, search online and on facebook, give them a trial run and see if they are for you.
In some states the Universities run camps for kids during the holiday break, I know they do in WA, so check out that as an avenue as well. Vacation swimming is still cost effective, and will have your child mixing with other kids of similar age groups.
This response is possibly not quite what you were asking for, there is no way to change your ex's behaviour or priorities, and he will find this out for himself when his child tells him what for and he is looking down the barrel at the ever approaching end of time.
Make the most of what you have been given, make some good memories and if you feel your child will need some extra support emotionally talk to the school when they go back next year.
It will all be okay.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 December 2018):
 I'm sorry, OP I can't imagine it feels nice at all to be "replaced" by someone you have spend 2 decades with.
The thing is, you can't change HOW he feels, thinks or whatever he chooses to DO.
So in your shoes I would do whatever I could to make the holiday GREAT for you and your child... my guess is your "child" is a teenager at least? Correct? So, they DO understand the whole divorce thing a bit better than a smaller child. YOU can CHOOSE to make the BEST of what you have, you have your "child" ALL to yourself (and your side of the family/friends) for the holiday so instead of spending time trying to "suss" out what HE is doing, DO you. ENJOY the holidays. Make it a pleasant experience for your "child".
Let your child know Dad won't be around (don't comment on it, or try and explain WHERE you think he is going or what you THINK he is doing - just let your "child" know and then make some fun plans for the two of you. I'm not saying "overcompensate" for him not being around but make it a JOLLY holiday. A new beginning for you and your "child". Really the ONLY one missing out, is your ex.
As for putting this new woman at a "higher priority" than his "child", it's a bit sad but really... nothing you can do about it. JUST make the best of it.
As for his in-laws... well, pox on them too. If they CHOOSE to neglect their grandchild that is ON them. THEIR loss.
He is apparently able to be civil so stop trying to BE civil or even contact him at all. YOU do not NEED to. (unless he doesn't pay child maintenance or whatnot, but then again I';d go see a solicitor instead of trying to talk sense into your "mid-life crisis ex-husband".
Stay healthy, focus on YOU and your "child". Forget about him. If he can't ADD to your life, STOP wasting your time, energy and effort on him. He isn't worthy.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): What age is your child . Not that age matter per se here. I think you need to be honest with your child if they are of an age of understanding . I think before your honest with them I would contact my solicitor and have them draft him a letter stating he is violating his parental responsibilities and your child is not a toy to be picked up and put down at his lesuire or convenience
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