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How do I accept, let go, and move on?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 February 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 6 February 2016)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

How best can I accept an apology I never got (and never will), let go and move on? I am trying very hard to let go of the anger I feel- but it comes in waves- and unexpectedly. So many negative feelings- anger, disgust, resentment, guilt, shame. How do I stop fixating and move on? I try to do things I enjoy, keep busy but these negative feelings towards the married man I broke up with are always there at the back of my mind. It is exhausting and bringing me so down. Please help.

View related questions: broke up, married man, move on

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (6 February 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntWere you mislead into thinking he was not married/divorced etc because that does happen,married people lie and most certainly your deserve an apology of some sort. If, however you were a fully aware willing participant, an apology you deserve not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2016):

You really don't deserve an apology for cheating with another woman's husband. You wouldn't like that to happen to you. The last thing you'd think the other woman deserves who did, would be an apology and best wishes.

I'm not going to ask if you didn't know he was a married-man; because that would have been the first thing you would have made clear to everyone. So I gather that you knew. Or, you were unbelievably naive and couldn't figure it out when he wasn't accessible to you at all times. That's the dead giveaway. Oh...and a wedding ring or the

impression left on the ring-finger. Odd times away without a word, and sudden disappearancess without contact for days, weeks, or longer. Broken dates, and missing in action.

Sound familiar?

So comes the karma. Imagine what his wife would feel like knowing all the dirty details. If she could view a video of it all. Everything happening behind her back.

Oh, so you do know. You're feeling it right now. Good!

It's bitter medicine, but it's healing at the same time.

You know you deserve better than this. You're a better woman than this. We both know it, sweetheart.

This is one of those horrible life lessons, where you reap what you sow. The good news is, you'll get over it. He was never yours to begin with. All the anger and frustration can burn only so long. You're wasting precious time. What you feel is the restitution the wife deserves. Even if she was, or is, a horrible wife. She wasn't so bad that he'd leave her for you. He left you for her. I don't think it matters who initiated the relationship. Once it was established this man was married, that's where it should have ended. Even if it was from the moment you met. It was all purely sexual, very selfish, and dishonest.

You're a person with feelings, and I do have empathy that you're hurt. I just know this will teach you a good lesson in the end. Never lower yourself to be used and exploited, or deliberately destroy a marriage in full knowledge of what you're doing. Instead of anger, rebuild your self-esteem and regain your dignity. You're above it all.

You sank to your lowest level. Girlfriend, we've all been there. I'm not looking down my nose at you, or putting you down. I'm empowering you by telling you like it is. I mean this in a good way. It may not look too pretty to read; but it is meant to turn you around about this crap.

Chalk it up to a lesson well-learned, and pain you deserve. There must be consequences. Therefore; you will be less likely to do this again.

You'll be okay. The anger will subside. You know what self-control is, and also know you shouldn't wreck homes. You decided to toss all caution to the wind. You wouldn't want anyone screwing the man you loved and married. So you don't get off the hook that easy Missy.

The problem with anger is that it makes us think and do evil things, stupid things; and it is self-consuming. It's toxic and will often force you to seek revenge. Which will backfire, when you were wrong to start with. So get a handle on it. You had choices, and you made all the bad ones. So get over it.

Do you plan to apologize to his wife? If anyone deserve's one, she does. If she didn't, he would have divorced her instead of dumping you. Offer her your sympathies for being with a man like that; and move on, girlfriend.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 February 2016):

Honeypie agony auntWhy do you think you are owed an apology?

The anger, guilt, disgust, shame are feelings that are hard to keep around long term. So at some point you need to work on forgiveness. Forgiving YOURSELF for getting in a position to have done all the things that now have left you with all this negativity.

EVERYONE in life makes mistakes. Some "bigger" than others, some "worse" that others - but we ALL make them.

So OWNING your actions and ACCEPTING that, yes you did do something you are not proud of is first step. Next one is trying to figure out why it happened. IT's the best way to avoid it happening again. Because it's not really uncommon for people to keep doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different outcome. What YOU want to avoid is that. To do that TO YOURSELF again.

So you forgive yourself for having made a mistake, an error in judgement. What you did is NOT the end of the World. Maybe wasn't even intentional.

If you can't let it go, you might consider talking to someone, like a counselor - because it can turn into obsessive and intrusive thoughts. If you can not SNAP yourself out of it EVERY time it pops in your head. Then it's a good idea to find a counselor who can help you with some tools to deal with it.

You can try first by yourself and see if that works, here is some info that might help :

http://www.sound-mind.org/obsessive-thinking.html#.VrTbUfkrK1s

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A male reader, Dodds Kenya +, writes (5 February 2016):

Dodds agony auntWHAT HAPPENED! We can't advise without knowing what is bringing on those feelings, what led to the break up? Who initiated it? Did you know that he was married? Etc etc etc. Talk to us!

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