A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve recently came out of a long term relationship so I’m very new to dating.when I went out with friends I met a great guy, we chatted a lot and there was an instant spark between us, we exchanged numbers, we spoke a lot over the phone for about a week getting to know each other more, he then asked me out on a date, which I happily accepted. We went on the date, the date went really well, had a lot in common, the date went perfect, we did have one too many drinks on the date, and I went back to his place, he invited me. Obviously he sweet talked me, telling me he thought I was amazing and he is falling for me, after coming out of a toxic relationship it was so nice to have someone pay that much attention on me. When we got back to his place at first I told him no that I wouldn’t sleep with him on the first date, but he began sweet talking me more and then passion just over took and we ended up in bed together ( I would never normally sleep with a man on a first date) but I guess I liked him so much and it just felt right. The next day everything was good, he treated me nice and didn’t want me to go home, but I went home eventually and he invited me back the next night and I slept with him again, it wasn’t just sleeping together, we talked all through the night. After that I went home and I noticed over the next few days his texts and calls were slowly coming to an end, it’s like he lost all interest in me, then it started that I wouldn’t hear from him in days, then all of a sudden he would ask if I wanted to go over to his but I declined. After that he has completely ghosted me, he won’t speak to me. I’m friends with him on Facebook and we have each others numbers still but he hasn’t even spoke to me, I sent him a message telling him I feel very hurt by how he’s treated me but no reply. I honestly feel so hurt and so used, I know it was a very new thing but I actually feel heart broken by it as it took a lot for me to sleep with him, and he said all the right things. I feel degraded and used and so disappointed in myself for allowing myself to sleep with him, I guess I’m blaming myself. Since he ghosted me I’m not sleeping or eating properly I really feel heartbroken by it and have cried a lot. I came out of a bad relationship, then dated this man and really thought he would be there for me, now I’m left with nothing and I just feel awful, I have now lost all trust in men.. How do I get over this? I’m so embarrassed and hurt.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): Sex is part of an adult relationship. If you enjoyed the sex then great. If you didn’t then I can understand you being upset. Maybe he just realized there were parts of you he didn’t care for and decided he didn’t want a long term relationship with you. It doesn’t mean he used you. You need to realize that not all relationships last very long.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2019): you may not like what am about to say but then I think your type is easily swayed with words and sweet words turns your brain up.
The reason why you feel used isn't because of sex in my opinion, I think it is because of how cheap he got it. just using few drinks, transports and finally words. I am sorry to say but I can bet that if he comes for your pants the third time, he would successfully get in within days of apology and words.
Maybe it is your nature to have soft spot for people who flatter and wish you with nice words. But if you must get better then you must fix that spot.
The best solution for any girl I have in my head is to literally close your eyes and ears so as not to hear those playboys speak but you know that is not really feasible in reality.
The second best option which I advise people most is to build up your personality and know how to handle those people, to ease everything up, you have to have a few circle of friends mature enough to kick you into reality after being dosed by words. Also you can have one or two older people you confide in about relationships before taking some major actions as sex and all.
So dear kick yourself up and amend that part of yourself that people like to exploit in you. let them prove their worth before anything. Don't blame the innocent ones ready to treat you better and respect your type of person and not intentionally overdose you with flattery and get into your pants.
Take time and thread carefully until this wound heals.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 April 2019):
 ‘I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him’
You then go on to sleep with him and again the next night. The amount of times I’ve heard girls say ‘I dont usually do this’. Okay so what makes me so special that you break your no sex on the night you meet/first date rule?
A lot of guys will see this as a challenge and when they’ve done it, it’s goodbye. If you say you’re not going to sleep with someone, stick to it, it’s really quite simple. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it though, shit happens and it shows he was only after sex anyway.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (23 April 2019):
Talk is cheap; if you don't just want a one night stand, don't give them a one night stand. He can say whatever he wants but if this is the kind of thing you want to avoid, then you'll need to make them prove themselves to you. This doesn't take one day, it takes weeks or more.
Most guys are perfectly happy with casual relationships. If that's not what you want then you'll have to slow things down and be patient. A one night connection is easy to come by. Actual compatibility can take some time to materialize.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2019): Please don't beat yourself up so much!
Yes, he was a jerk and you probably made a mistake, but maybe he is an expert at tricking women? In any case I think the best way to get over this is to move on. Not all men are jerks.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 April 2019):
 OP, you should lose trust in your drunk self, not men. Sure, some guys are jerks and users. Sadly, you came across one and were too tipsy to make smart or safe decisions (strangers house are a no-go, OP!).
This isn't heartbroken, but it is feeling betrayed - by him and yourself. It didn't take a lot to sleep with him, which is why you feel so awful now.
Learn from this:
- Don't go to someone's house if you don't want to hook up.
- Don't go anywhere alone with strangers.
- Stick to a drink limit where you are not tipsy or drunk.
- If a guy invites you back to his house on a first date or before you're exclusive, take it as a red flag that he just wants to hook up.
- Don't let a guy walk/take you home until you know him well. Don't let him in even then, unless you want to hook up.
- Have standards and stick to them.
- MAKE SAFE CHOICES.
- Mistakes happen. You feel crappy, understand what lead to it, then move on.
Now stop beating yourself up. Remind yourself that you're not heartbroken, just frustrated and hurt. Block him on everything, take a break from dating and build yourself up so that you don't repeat this or fall for someone so quickly.
Also, go see a doctor about STD and pregnancy testing, just in case!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2019): Forgive yourself.Life is full of experience.Learn from this and just move on a little wiser.A lot of us have been there so you are not alone.Live and learn.That is just life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (21 April 2019):
 Sweetheart, you made a mistake. The only person who has never made a mistake in life is the person who has never done ANYTHING. Stop being so hard on yourself. It's not the end of the world.
You made TWO mistakes: the biggest one was trusting someone you didn't know at all. I have always believed in not listening to what people SAY, as words are cheap, but watching their actions. You WANTED to believe what he was telling you, so you CHOSE to believe it. Your second mistake, and this is one which most of us have made at some time, was having too much to drink on your date. A drink or two less and you may have made different choices.
I believe the universe sends us certain people to teach us life lessons. You know the lessons you need to learn from this "perfect" guy: watch your drinking when out on dates and take things slowly. Get to really know a person before you start having feelings for them. Many people are really good at putting on a front. However, they cannot keep that up indefinitely. Take your time in getting to know them and wait until you have seen what is under the facade. Never take people on face value.
You now need to take a breather, forgive yourself for being human, brush yourself down and face the world with a brave smile on your face. If this experience makes you more cautious in the future, it will have been worthwhile.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2019): Feeling awful is smart. Losing trust in all men is foolish. Looking at the judgements you made on a first date would be wise. You had been chatting for a week then accepted to go on a date. You must take resposibility to look after yourself, until you are in a long term committed relationship. That is just good common sense, and I hope you made him wear a condom. You drank too much. You went to his home after one good date. As a man who used to really play the ladies, in my younger years, but long reformed, I can tell you that when you arrived at his, and said to him that you would not sleep with him on your first date, you sent the man, any man, a very wrong signal! Most ladies who utter those words, are trying to convince themselves. Instead your words were more akin to Fresh Meat, Now Serving Number One, or Where Can I Hang My Clothes? Also it is a challenge to a womanizer. What he heard you say was, How Fast Can You Get My Panty Off? Learn this latin phrase, Caveot Emptor. Let the buyer beward! Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2019): It's what happens when you date too soon after coming out of a bad breakup. You were vulnerable and on the rebound. You easily started dating; because you were searching for someone to ease your post-breakup doldrums. It was a bit premature, but it wasn't so much you weren't used to dating; as it was looking for someone to give you the comfort only a man can give.
You're very young. You underwent a recent breakup. Your sensitivities and emotions are raw; and the wounds are still fresh. You gave-in easily, and your conscience is beating you up. His cold rejection is salt on your emotional-wounds that haven't scabbed-over; let alone have they yet healed.
Give yourself a break, sweetheart. Your broken-heart just got another bashing; but you'll get through it. Your pride is also hurt, because you know you're smarter than this; but he preyed on your weakness. It happens to everyone, and we don't always use our best judgement when such a situation comes our way.
Let it go. In fact, it's better that he moves on; because now you see what he's capable of, before you got your real feelings attached. You've learned a valuable lesson; but not trusting all men is a bit extreme. You mean you will be more guarded of your feelings, that's all. All men didn't do this to you, you've hit a couple of bad ones.
Sweetheart, you're in your early twenties; and only at the beginning of your journey through life. You've learned a few things about men; and now you will use your common-sense before letting your heart lead the way. You didn't do anything wrong! Your emotions took-over; and you let down your guard. That's all. He made you feel good and desirable. Breakups make us feel unwanted, dismissed, and disposed of like nothing.
If we are the ones who had to end it, it still feels like something is missing. Like we gave-away too much. There is residual-doubt whether we made the right decision, or gave-up too soon. That confusion causes disorientation and weakens our decision-making abilities. That doesn't always change with age and experience. It's part of being human.
You'll see this coming next time. You'll give yourself more time to heal from the breakup before dating again. You need more time, and during that down-time; you'll regain/rebuild your proper defenses. This was just a big bump in the road; not a total tragedy. Your dignity and pride are a little bruised; but still intact. You'll encounter many more jerks along the way; but you'll be wiser, and more in-control of yourself and what happens.
Becoming cynical and dramatizing is counterproductive. It's immature. You're an adult now. Use discernment, and don't allow your impulses to prevail over your better-judgement.
Don't you dare let this get you down, or turn you into a man-hater!!
We all get a few bad experiences under our belt to teach us how to survive. You have to have survival-skills in order to navigate your way through life and dating. You've got flaws and weaknesses that need work. You don't represent all women, and shouldn't be held accountable for what other women have done to men. That isn't fair.
You'll make more mistakes; but you'll become all the wiser. It's life-experience, but falling apart when you hit one bump is giving-up too easily. He doesn't deserve all that power over you. He has an adolescent-mentality; and thinks with his smaller head. That's stupidity. It will get him in a lot of trouble. What goes around, comes around!
Okay, you've made reasonable attempts to reach him. Now it's over and done with. No further contact. Close all openings and block all means of contact. Lock-down the hatches. He is officially persona non grata. He has lost all privileges of access. He's history.
You're going to be just fine, sweetheart!
I wrote this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/guide-for-adult-dating.html
Read it at your leisure. It's lengthy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 April 2019):
 OP, I know it sucks to discover that someone hoodwinked you and you weren't paying attention.
Don't BEAT yourself up over this and don't beat him up (on social media) either. It's JUST not worth it.
BLOCK, DELETE and UNFRIEND.
And then TAKE this as a lesson. Or a refresher course in dating.
You say you "normally" wouldn't sleep with a guy on the first date, so STICK to that. EVEN if you feel like you just gel, don't go home with a guy the first night or second or third or UNTIL you feel there is an exclusivity going on, preferable even verbalized.
You also can't blame ALL men for what your ex and this guy did. NOT all guy are going to take advantage of you being vulnerable and easy to charm into bed.
However, you DO need to take some responsibility here too.
YOU made the choice to drink (one too many) drinks.
YOU made the choice to go home with him. I think VERY few men invites a woman home if they AREN'T looking for sex or intimacy. Especially on the first date or first night.
You then went OVER (booty call) to his and had sex again.
And after that... he decided that you WERE looking for something more serious that he was so he acted like a total twat and ghosted you.
SOME guys are like that.
You DIDN'T REALLY know him that well. A week of chatting doesn't mean you REALLY know the person.
So LEARN from this and don't REPEAT that with the next guy who grabs your fancy.
Save sex for when you know him MUCH MUCH better. I'd say try waiting 3-6 months (with a FAIR number of dates under your belts) BEFORE adding sex. There can be sexual tension etc. which is good. BUT hold off on it until you know he is wanting a relationship with you and you with him.
IT IS your responsibility to GET to know a guy WELL enough to see if he is WORTHY of you. If you aren't SURE whether a guy is a KEEPER or not, KEEP the dates PLATONIC.
I know it SUCKS to think "Oh here is good guy and maybe my next BF!" and then discover that he was ONLY friendly to get in your knickers.
IT DOES happen, OP.
I hope you used protection. And I hope you fare better next time.
For now though, CUT the dude off - BLOCK, DELETE and UNFRIEND and move on.
Lesson learned, now stop beating yourself up.
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