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How could he go from being the (I thought) love of my life to marrying another girl five months after we broke up and leave me when I was feeling vulnerable?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Long distance, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 June 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2015)
A age 30-35, * writes:

Hi,

I went through a terrible breakup in December. We were in a long distance relationship for 4.5 years at the time of breakup.

Last year while I was finishing my masters I got placed at the first company that visited our campus (Top company in my field). It was located in a city, where he said he couldn't find a suitable job for himself.

Even I didn't want to spend my life in that city.

Just needed to gain experience so that I can shift to his hometown and eventually get married. But, soon after I joined professional troubles started. It was internship position.

Even though I worked hard and produced good results, they did not convert my internship to a full-time position.

In the meantime, my bf was getting impatient.

Even his family couldn't wait to get him married.

He is 2 years older than me. The company asked me to continue as an intern. Even though I was shattered, I continued to work.

Thought I'd work hard and convert it this time. Even though he seemed supportive, he was losing patience by the day.

He was trying to breakup with me ever since I got placed in this company last March. He couldn't live without me and eventually he would come back everytime.

We were madly in love. I just didn't see it coming.

In December, we had a major fight.

He was constantly pressurizing me give him a timeline as to when we can get married. I had no answer because, it was necessary for me to convert this internship before moving out of this company.

He told he can't let a company's hiring policy decide his life/future.

He then broke up me saying that we have different life goals. All I did was ask him to just wait a few more months. But he was already frustrated! He left.

I tried to make things work but he was adamant.

Just 2 weeks after the breakup he told me his parents were looking for a girl for him.

That is when it hit me, he wasn't coming back and I was shattered. I decided to let him go because I shouldn't have to convince someone to get married to me or be there for me against his wish. The breakup just doubled my misery. It was tough to handle everything on my own.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer last year just when I was supposed to join this company. They did not even convert me.

Ended up losing this supposedly nice guy who I thought would standby me forever. It hurts me everytime when I'm reminded that this guys left me at my weakest!

As the months went by I started recovering, but deep down I held on to the hope that he would return one day. Stupid me!

He got married in May, just within 5 moths of the breakup! I discovered this last week and you can understand how I must have felt.

I had to relive the entire breakup once again! But I found all the strength inside me to write him an email in which I took joint responsibility for the breakup, forgave him for hurting me and wished him and his wife happiness. Even though I felt instant relief after doing so, I'm still in a state of shock.

Can anyone explain me the following:

How can someone love you so much and then leave you at your weakest?

How can someone be so selfish that all they care about is themselves?

How can one move on so quickly from an intense long-term relationship and get married within months?

Please help me understand. I still find it hard to believe that someone who appeared to be a nice man would do this to me.

View related questions: broke up, long distance, move on

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015):

you ask how could he move on so quickly but he didnt, he was breaking up with you and getting back together with you for months because he was conflicted about it. it was during that time that he was getting over it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 June 2015):

Honeypie agony auntGood for you in having moved on and even better that you NEVER had sex with him.

Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015):

Hi, I'm the original poster! I have removed my account.

In my opinion following are the reasons:

1. He was sick of long distance.

2. He wasn't getting any sex. (We were both virgins)

3. He lost faith that this will ever work out! (Even though I had unshakable faith)

4. His family (just like him) couldn't wait. (His words)

5. He did this to help himself. (His words)

I'm made peace with the fact that this guy was never the one. I put him on a pedestal thinking he would stand by me forever. But he turned out to be an ordinary individual who put his needs before me. And I'm ok with it. I've forgiven him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 June 2015):

Honeypie agony auntWhy was your ex so desperate to get married? Was it a question of inheritance or pressure from family?

Or, was she ALREADY picked out for him and he USED your choice to stay to "dump" you?

It doesn't make sense to be with someone for 5 years and then be SO desperate to marry that he can't wait 3 months.

THERE has to be more to this story.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for the advice! But tell me one thing. Isn't your love supposed to support you. I just asked him to wait 3 months at best! I totally understand he was frustrated. But suddenly wanting someone else?! I couldn't think of being with anyone but him. If he ever asked me to wait, I would've done that. True love is about understanding that your partner needs support. And trust me I was in a deep mess at that time. Instead he chose the easy way out and walked away. I know its about priorities! But spending close to 5 years with someone and discussing marriage plans and then poof! I never said no!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015):

You had different priorities.

Sorry for your heart break. But he's doing what's best for him. Just like you did what was best for you by staying in the company.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2015):

Your ex bf is right as you both had different life goals. Successful relationships are built on similar outlooks and compromise not just love.

Your argument was that you needed work experience to further your career. So he should wait until you felt you gained enough and decided to return to him.

His argument was that he wanted to get married and be with you and he didn't know when or whether that was likely to happen.

You chose your career. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe you should have compromised and set a cut off date for when you'd return. Your ex did that in his mind and once he reached that point it was over for him.

It's sad about your mum's illness but given that you were in a LDR your ex couldn't have actively supported you even if he wanted to.

My friend's husband was recently offered a prestigious job lasting 4 years in Australia and she had to decide whether to leave the UK and her sick mother or face 4 years on the other side of the planet from her husband. What would you do? Life is full of difficult choices.

LDR's are difficult to maintain so emotionally he'd begun to move on before you broke up. I don't think your ex was being particularly selfish and it doesn't mean he's a horrible person because he didn't want to wait any longer. Neither of you reached a compromise so the relationship ended. It happens a lot.

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