A
male
age
51-59,
*kierlan
writes:I've been doing a great deal of inner work lately, and I wonder how much it "wired" me when I was rejected the first time I ever asked someone out, at 17. It would help me to know if this is common or unusual.If you are a guy, were you or any of your friends rejected on this first try? If you are girl, did you or any of your friends reject a guy known to be trying to ask someone out the first time? Reply to this Question
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reader, kkierlan +, writes (24 December 2016):
kkierlan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd have to agree, RubyBirtle, in my particular case...that I was on the introverted side to begin with, or at least starting with being bullied in middle school plus an unfavorable family life.But this "ask" with a "no" result itself was a pretty traumatic event for me. You don't get graded for your emotional/social intelligence or growth in school, and this felt like suddenly being hit with a failing grade. I was, of course, very naive and a late bloomer as well. I allowed it to partially shape my future.Back to the original question. I'd say I've learned from this thread that first-time rejection is probably not uncommon and definitely not rare. That's helpful, and thanks for the responses. BTW, this was 27 years ago, so that's probably why I split up the genders in my question. It was more that way back then. My bad.
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reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (22 December 2016):
To be honest, I think you were already "wired" BEFORE you were 17. I think your self-confidence was already low when you asked that girl out and she just "confirmed" your fears about yourself when she rejected you.
Using your public-speaking group analogy, it would depend very much on the individuals view of themselves before they got laughed off the stage how they might feel about public speaking in the future.
Someone who had a low self-esteem would probably go home and cry into their pillow, chastise themselves for being rubbish, feel that every body hates them and never return to the group. And totally give up on public speaking.
Someone with a higher self-esteem might think "Well, they were a very rude bunch. I might not have been brilliant but I wasn't THAT bad. And it was only my first time. So, I'm not going to bother with those bunch of losers. I'm off to find a group who aren't so stuck up" And off they go - prepared to have another bash at public speaking.
And in answer to you original question. Most women won't know that it's the first time a guy has ever asked a girl out but there was one time that I DID know. I dated him for 2 years
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 December 2016):
 Why is your question different for girls and boys? Dont you know women get rejected too? Its not always women who do the rejection. My first time doing either or, I was the one being rejected! The first five times or so I was the one being rejected! I didnt get to reject anyone until way, way later in life....
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 December 2016):
 Yes, of course. If we happened not to like the guy, I don't see what else we could / should have done. Whether it was his first attempt or is twentieth.
You won't be implying, by any chance, that if a guy is known to be trying to ask a girl out for the very first time, then the girl somehow owes him a yes ?!
Yeah right. Just like a potential employer " must " hire a job applicant just because it is his first job interview. Or a bank " must " approve for a loan... anyone who is asking it for the first time. Or a movie director "must " give the leading role to a wanna be actor because it's his first audition ever.
That's simply not how life works.
If you got the qualifications, the whatever it takes for getting you what you want ( girl, job, acting role etc... ) you are accepted. If you don't , you are rejected.
Not saying that the process does not suck, at times :)- that's why resilience is such a wonderful quality to cultivate and a precious tool to acquire.
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reader, kkierlan +, writes (22 December 2016):
kkierlan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I like analogies, so here's one that might work. For several years I was a member of toastmasters, a group that gives people practice with public speaking. If a brand-new member was actually laughed at the very first time they stood up speak (which never happens but people often think it will), I would expect them to never come back - and probably it would be an embarrassing moment they'd remember the next time they had to speak in front of a group.The thing is, unlike the friendly atmosphere of a self-help group, with dating you really can get the equivalent of being laughed at. So for me, I never again really asked a girl out on a date - I did a stupid thing where I would wrap an invitation into a "friend" context. In effect, I "friend-zoned" myself right out of the gate, to avoid rejection.I also think it definitely impacted my self-confidence in other areas.I'm thinking in BrownWolf's case he met some success along with the rejection. To go back to my analogy, if that laughed-at speaker was called back to the front of the room 10 minutes later, and this time got thunderous applause, it would heal (or better yet, wipe the memory) of the laughter.FYI for Andie's thoughts, I've been married 15 years. I've experienced a lot of pain and disappointment (as do many by midlife), but looking back to figure out the root causes is somehow comforting.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 December 2016):
 I think EVERYONE has been rejected one way or another. You can't let what happened at 17 continue to shape or control your life.
If you had been the ONLY 17-year-old who got rejected then maybe I can see it's a bog deal, but you aren't. All it is, YOU asked the "wrong" girl out.
I have rejected or rather declined going out with a good number of guys - I worked as a bartender and 9 out of 10 of the guy who asked me out were just desperate dudes who didn't want to go home alone. Wasit the "first" time for any of the guy I declined to go out with? I don't know. IF I wasn't interested, why shouldn't I say: " no thanks"?
I have been turned down for jobs a lot of time, sometimes being "too overqualified" and sometimes because of "lack of experience" in that field. Dating really isn't much different that looking for a job. You learn, you dust yourself off, and try again, and again.
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 December 2016):
Rejection was my middle name growing up. Rejected the first, 2nd, and the next 50 times until I learned what I needed to learn.
My first lesson was...Women are not what they say they are in books or magazines.
You know those magazines that say "20 ways to get her to like you." Or "What is she really thing when she looks at you."
What they don't tell you is that, those thoughts are coming from the person writing the article, not a million women who think the same way.
Being rejected is good. Helps to build character.
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reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 December 2016):
 I'm a little unsure why, at 41 - 50, you don't realise that many, if not most, people get rejected by the first person they're interested in. It happens, it sucks, then you move on.
Have you asked others out successfully since? Had a long term relationship/marriage? Do you want one?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2016): I have never actually known when a guy was asking me out for the very first time. But I can remember being rejected and unwanted as a teen many many times. Yes, i think it has effected me till today, and I'm in my early 20s. I think rejection makes me feel unsure about myself and question my desirability and just makes me feel bad about how I poorly sold myself on a date. I myself am trying to work on improving my self esteem after a streak of rejection and disappointments, but it's not impossible; it can be done. We just have to know how to not let our emotions dictate over our minds.
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