A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I met in England but we moved to Canada 6 years ago. I liked living in Canada at first but over the years I got more and more homesick for the UK and after a while I started disliking my job too. I have repeatedly over the years asked my husband to move back to the UK with me but he refuses. He doesn't like the UK (he's from another country in Europe, but he doesn't want to live there either). Its true, he doesn't like the UK, that's a big part of why we moved to Canada in the first place, although originally we were only going to be here for a year. I recently quit my job and feel a lot better, but although I have enough money saved to keep me going if I live frugally for another 6 months to a year, I have had enough of not working and am ready to look for a new job. I have proposed to my husband that we could move to the UK for the winter (winter in Canada sucks!) and I could work for 6 months and then we can move back to Canada for the summer (which is much nicer than the English summer). This is a compromise for me as obviously it will be hard to get a good job for just six months. However hubby still refuses to come with me and says I'm welcome to go for six months without him, but he will not come with me.He works remotely in IT so this doesn't affect his ability to do his job at all. He can do that wherever he wants to.His arguments are: His income in Canadian dollars and they won't go very far in the UK. He will be worse off financially. This is true, I have offered to pay all the rent for us if he comes back to counterbalance this, but I can't afford to offer much more - I'm not a high earner and the uk is expensive.He will be miserable in the uk (its only 6 months! - Ive been miserable in Canada for at least 2 years.)He won't be able to ski in the uk (although for the last few years he only went skiing about 5 days per year anyway, so its not like this is a huge part of his life here. He THINKS he goes skiing a lot but the evidence of his ski pass tells us differently!) I really don't want to go without him as a) I will miss him a lot b) I worry that this will damage our relationship - that he'll get used to being without me and it will be easier for us to break up. What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): I understand him when he says that his Canadian salary won't be good enough for England. Hurting your relationship so that he can go 5 days a year s a year skiing is a different matter and could illustrate how selfish he is. Sorry. But I do think that comparing your life together with a recreational activity is selfish.What bothers me to some extent is that it seems that he can be happy while you are miserable to a point where you quit your job and start spending your savings.It also sucks that you came thinking that you won't stay longer than a year. In a way he trapped you. I am not saying he had planned it, but he sure is profiting from it. He doesn't want to meet you half way. Even though you offered to pay the rent in England and lessen his financial burden. What he offers instead is usually nit a good base for a solid relationship. Sooner or later you will start leading two separate lives.What he asks of you is to yet again do what suits him best.It is time to re-examine your life and ask some difficult questions. I have no idea where he comes from and what his situation had been prior to meeting you. But. How much your marriage has improved his situation in life? Has it enabled him to realize some of his goals? Also, it us strange fir someone who is happy in a relationship or react the way he is. It could be also an easy way out. Sorry but it could.It could also mean that he would like to live alone for a while. Not necessarily because he wants to cheat. But then again he might use his new found liberty in that way. Or.Maybe once you're gone he may miss you and re-examine his decision.It all depends on who you are and what you want and what could be a deal breaker for you. I'd try talking to him again or writing him a letter explaining my misery in Canada and the good sides of living in England. Just have one thing in mind. He had left his country of origin and obviously does not plan to go back. Even if he gets homesick. His choice is between two foreign countries. One which policy is not welcoming to foreigners (and I get that) and the other that is based on immigration. He may feel less of a foreigner there. Also, he may feel more comfortable knowing that you are sharing an experience of a foreigner living in another country. I left my homeland ten years ago with my husband. Being together in this has adventure has strengthen our relationship. But neither of us is homesick and we both dislike a town we have to live in (for now) to an extent.I'd tried by re-examining my own position, feelings and needs and then when I know my boundaries I'd talk to him again fully aware that it may lead to a break up. It is not good when either partner feels blackmailed. If there is love there is a way.
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