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How can this be resolved? I want a Baby. He couldn't think of anything worse.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Marriage problems, Pregnancy, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 February 2017) 12 Answers - (Newest, 28 February 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My husband told me the other day he never wants to have children. I’m devastated. Don’t get me wrong I love him completely and can appreciate that it’s just how he feels but I feel angry and bitter and am having serious thoughts about leaving him if he doesn’t change his mind.

I’m 34, he’s 32. We’ve been together 4 years, married for 2. The issue of children was never brought up until recently when I started feeling really broody. But every time I mentioned it to him he’d change the subject. Weeks went by without much progress and it was clearly becoming an elephant in the room until finally I sat him down the other day and we had a serious chat. What he told me made me well up and cry.

He hates kids. With a passion as well. His brother has three sons who are 5, 3 and 1, and my husband says he can’t stand to be around them longer than he has to. I admit they are very rowdy and do seem like hard work but surely the love you have for your children would make those difficulties worth it?

When I told him how much I wanted a baby he said he couldn’t think of anything worse. He said he’s not the fatherly type and would be rubbish at being a Dad. The thought of changing nappies and doing night feeds fills him with dread; he said he would hate it.

The idea of me being pregnant doesn’t appeal to him either. He said all the hospital appointments, scans and even me giving birth just sounded so boring as he believes he would be sat around doing nothing, apparently. It’s the little things as well like giving up lie-ins at weekends, getting a bigger car to accommodate a baby and having to pay expensive child care costs that he doesn’t want to do.

He said he’s more than happy with how things are and believes a baby would ruin everything. Basically he just wants an easy life. He’s also an avid fan of Newcastle United and goes to every single one of their games with his mates. Obviously if we had a baby he’d have to give all that up but he doesn’t want to, it’s his passion in life.

Obviously my biological clock is ticking so I’ve made my stance very clear with him, but so has he and we’re at loggerheads. I feel like I’ve only got a few years left in me to have a baby and at the moment that means more to me than he does. What do you think? Should I leave him?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (28 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI have to agree with the others, it really does amaze me that you both would commit to a marriage without speaking about your future. Surely these things should be spoke about before entering in to a marriage. This marriage is not going to work as you both want completely different things in life.

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A female reader, Campari Milano United Kingdom +, writes (26 February 2017):

I agree with other reply that says, basically, HOW COULD YOU MARRY A MAN WITHOUT KNOWING THIS!!!!

I would ask him to impregnate you, and say that you just want a baby and you don't want anything else from him. You'd be surpised how many men change their minds once they see their child.

Alternatively, leave him and find another man. You are on a clock! If you want a child, or more, that is the most important thing. Once you can't, you can't! Don't let him deprive you of your opportunity!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2017):

I do not understand how this was never brought up before you married?! That is pretty much the most basic question to clarify before tying the knot.

I am going to say I think you need to leave him as soon as humanly possible. You don't have long to find someone else suitable and get pregnant.

I'm sorry but a man is never going to fulfill your desire for a child. You cannot put your love for him above your need for a child. As the years go by and you are still childless you will resent and hate him for stomping out your wishes.

Leave him now, and go fulfill your dreams.

I would maybe do a brief time of counselling before you leave, just to make sure he is absolutely deadset against a child and you have tried every way to discuss it.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017):

The man does not want children. Why does this make him immature, lazy, and selfish? His wife disagrees so that makes him wrong?

Do women with his feelings about having children get treated like this? I don't think so.

Nowhere in the story does the OP make any mention of her husband misleading her about his feelings. I'm sorry for her situation but the matter needed to be discussed in hard plain language years earlier.

The OP's husband is probably guilty of avoiding the issue as much as she is. But equally guilty does not mean more guilty. And not wanting children does not mean a person is lazy or immature.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (22 February 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntAs Billy said, "What I don't understand is how you married without discussing this first." It's kind of a big thing.

Second, Why does having a child mean giving up watching sports? I know a couple who are huge fans of American football and they are on their second child. They go to games together. It works fine for them.

When you state "Obviously if we had a baby he’d have to give all that up", I start to wonder if that isn't the main purpose behind this Broodiness. You see it as a ticket to control of his hobbies. Taking him away from his friends and hobbies will not make him a better husband, it will make him a boring man. I'm guessing that you won't like that.

Last don't "accidentally fall pregnant" you decide together or you split and find someone ho fills your needs. A relationship based on a huge deception will never last.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom +, writes (22 February 2017):

I think you need to start thinking long term to make this decision. Can you envision yourself as an elderly woman with no children or grandchildren? Will you resent him if he's your only family in old age?

I ask these questions as I have an aunt who never wanted children at all when she was younger. She had a full life and spent a lot of time on holiday with my uncle, with friends and with her parents. However, she is now in her 60s and her parents (my grandparents) have unfortunately passed away. Most of her friends are slowing down now and are also busy with their kids who are graduating, getting married and having kids of their own. She recently told me that she now regrets not having her own. She was too focussed on the sleepless nights and loss of freedom, but now she's jealous of the bonds her friends have with their adult kids. She feels quite lonely and left behind as her friends move on with their extended families.

She's also worried about what will happen when either she or my uncle passes away. Of course me and my sisters will always look out for them, but she doesn't feel it's the same.

Please know I'm not trying to scare or depress you by saying that, but I do think it's worth considering. Sometimes it's easy to assume that life will continue on as it is indefinitely, but things do change. Often friends drift apart or their priorities change, and the Saturday visits to friends or trips to the football can fall by the wayside. In my auntie's case, the very freedom she wanted has left her feeling lonely in old age because she was only thinking short term.

I'd encourage you to envision how you see your life when you're older and use that to help you make this decision. And all the best to you OP, this can't be easy.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (22 February 2017):

You have two choices leave or get pregnant without his consent. The latter seems a bad idea to me. You said that having a child means more to you than he does. So I'm not sure what the issue is. Leave!

What I don't understand is how you married without discussing this first?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (22 February 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf you had a child with him, you would be looking after TWO children, as he just sounds like a man-child.

Having said that, I can totally get where he is coming from as, although I am female, the thought of having children has NEVER appealed to me. I have been lucky in that I have never been in a relationship where this was a deal-breaker. In your situation, it appears this is going to become just that.

The night feeds, etc, don't last for every (although I am sure, at the time, it feels like an eternity!). However, the responsibility, expense and need to put someone else first last for the rest of your life, so parenthood is not something anyone should take on lightly.

As this is such an important issue to you, I am amazed that you did not discuss this before you got into a serious relationship with this man, and certainly before you married him. I mean, what DID you discuss? Football? His car? Surely how you envisage life going forward should have been on the agenda, especially where kids are concerned, to make sure you share similar goals?

Does your husband realize this could be a deal breaker for you? He needs to be aware of this. However, if he is going to give in just to keep you, the likelihood is he will not be a good dad and you could break up later anyway, with the added complication of a child added to the mix.

You have some important decisions to make. You can either say with him, hoping he will change his mind before you are too old to have a child (no guarantees) or leave him and find someone who will want to have a child with you (no guarantees). Not an easy choice.

Sending big hugs as I can only imagine how difficult this is. You only have one life. I hope you make the right decision.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (22 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI'm so appalled that people actually marry someone before talking about wanting children.

Honestly, OP, you have no future with him. Children deserve parents who *want* them, not parents nagged into it. Adults also deserve to be child-free, if that's what they want.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (22 February 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntUh oh, Manchester United and his mates is his passion ...

Where does that put you on his list of priorities? Are you still going to be happy sitting at home while he and his cronies are out watching football and spending the next week dissecting the game in 10 years time??

If you honestly want a baby, then do the sums. What will you do to support the child if you need to do it as a single parent? Will you be feed, cloth and education the child?

Personally life with your husband does not sound all that wonderful, reading your letter I get the feeling its all about him and keeping his life easy ... so I would be considering my options based on the fact his football and mates are more important that you already.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017):

Does your need for children outweigh what he brings to your life? It sounds very certain that you husband has no plans at all to ever have a child and knows firmly he does not want this. The situation you end up in is if you got pregnant he might decide that he does not want that life, and could leave. Or, you may decide that this is a difference between you both that means you no longer want to stay with this man.

It is so important all couples speak about whether they want children. Of course now for you both the conversation has come fairly late but this is something every couple should discuss before a marriage. This will have to be your decision. Do you stay married to a man with whom you will never raise a family, of your biologically own children or adoption (because no one knows until they start trying to conceive whether things will go smoothly...) and accept that is your life or do you leave him? If you stay, there could be serious resentment and the issue could just grow and grow until it causes issues. If you leave there is no guarantee you'll meet someone who is right to start a family with, at 34 now you have to expect having some time single, then it might take a while to date the right man and then you never know whether he will end up wanted children, or him/you/both of you could have fertility issues. The pros of staying assumes you're happy with this man and could be content just the two of you. The pros of leaving could be you meet someone and have your longed for child. You might even decide not to meet anyone and go to a legitimate sperm bank and chose a donor yourself and have the child you've always wanted without any hassle of dating.

I personally could not imagine a life without having children of my own to raise and nurture. You have to decide what it is you want the most and be brave enough to go forward with you decisions strongly.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2017):

Im in a very similar situation to you except I do not want a baby at all whereas my partner does. Im afraid I don't have an easy solution for you but for us it's become the elephant in the room. I avoid talking about it because I don't want to break up. I think if you want a baby right now and that means more to you than your husband then you probably have no option but to break up. But remember that you may not find another sole mate and if you do he or you may be infertile so it's no guarantee that you'll get what you want. I guess you have to weigh up whether that's a risk worth taking. I wish you the best of luck

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