A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My sister has a live-in boyfriend who is about 20 years younger than her. He is about 36. In the past, he has beaten her a few times that we know about. He also had attacked my sister in front of family. My sister has done about 3 temporary restraining orders on him. She backed down on every one of them when the court date arrived. I try to stay in contact with my sister. All of the family is not happy about this guy. At the moment we don't know what to do to help our sister. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 August 2015):
 Oops I did not attach that .pdf correctly. Here it is (I hope)
http://abuseintervention.org/sandbox77/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Power-and-Control-Wheel.pdf
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 August 2015):
HiThis is the Chart that was part of the lectures I attended when I studied domestic Violence. Show it to a victim of domestic violence and recognition may dawn that YES that is how bad it has been:Understanding DV: The Power and Control Wheel (PDF)Your sister needs help but she may think she will be OK. Sadly she is kidding herself.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-dara-richardsonheron/economic-empowerment-is-c_b_7792540.htmlPlease encourage her to get counselling. Because her confidence in her is in tatters if she keeps on withdrawing each domestic violence order.Currently there is NO domestic violence order in place.Currently he has evaded every opportunity to have to face up to the fact that he is an abuser. There is NO current case against the abuser in Court, so the abuser could say "abuse? what abuse"The abuser must be feeling very entitled to abuse while this is the situation above.Try not to see your sister as weak for withdrawing the temporary Restraining Orders.Her own self worth is being eroded by the abuser. She is feeling powerless and her confidence in herself is ebbing away. She is not weak, she is a victim.She may even be scared to initiate contact with the family because her abuser does not like her seeking any support as that might dilute the power he has over her.Trying to reason with the abuser may be fruitless. After what penalties has he ever suffered as a result of abusing? He is just as likely to try to make out he is the victim in the situation.Your sister could call this number when her abuser is out of the home or go to the web site:1-800-799-7233 http://www.thehotline.org/They can offer help.You can also log on to the Friends and Family section on the above web site.Your sister desperately needs this help now.Keep in touch with her. Offer to go shopping with her.Keep on talking to her and try to not judge her too harshly and she is then more likely to feel able to trust you and divulge more.when she does divulge more she may not even tell you how bad it is, because she will be testing your reaction.Try to remain calm. The aim is to gain HER trust. Try to not go over the top with a reaction when she tells you as she may have far more that is far worse to tell you. but right now she feels powerless and ashamedJust encourage her to trust you by constantly reminding of these facts:(her name) this is NOT YOUR FAULT(her name) You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his behaviour(her name) You are the INNOCENT ONE in all this(her name) you have done NOTHING wrong. he is the one who has done the wrong thing.(her name) You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. All the Shame belongs to the abuser and their abusive actions.(her name) The only person to blame in all this is the person who is abusing you. You did NOT cause this to happen.You may have to say these things to her a 100 times before it finally dawns on her that he has been lying to her and calling her names and making her think that he has only done these things because of her actions when this is not true.I hope that she can get some help and support and counselling before his abuse gets worse, Because abusers do keep on spiraling towards nastier and nastier abuse. And I am sure that you do not want that to happen.Do NOT ever lay a hand on him - just call the Police immediately
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