A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:For many years now I have been unhappy in my marriage. My wife and I have been together for twenty years. After our children were born my wife became very emotional, and she tends to react to situations by shouting, swearing and crying. She's been visiting a psychiatrist for years, she's on medication, and that calms her down a little, and we've tried marriage counselling, but I find her moods very wearisome, and I really don't feel any love for her any more. In fact I can't even remember ever loving her, although I suppose I must have done at some time or I wouldn't have married her. In the past I have tried explaining to her that I was unhappy and wanted to leave, but rather than discuss it calmly she broke down in tears and immediately told our children (12 and 16) that dad wanted to leave. The result was two crying children and one crying wife begging me to stay, so I did. It really annoys me that I have never been able to talk to my wife about our problems without her immediately running to the children and telling them.But this time I'm doing it differently. I've found a flat (in the same street where we live now), I've paid the deposit and got the keys. The owner is still doing a little work fitting a kitchen, but it should be ready within ten days. I haven't told my wife that I am planning to leave, and as far as she is concerned we have no problems right now. I'm planning to move my stuff in and then tell her. I feel a heel for doing this in such an underhand way, but she has given me no option. If I told her in advance, she would immediately recruit our children to a campaign to stop me going.Every time I ask people how you should tell children about divorce, they start by saying that you and your partner should discuss is sensibly first, decide together on what to say, and then tell the children. But how are you supposed to talk sensibly about divorce when your partner is so emotional and is not open to reason?
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (15 February 2013):
It seems you've already done that then she runs out and tells the kids and you feel guilty.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hope I haven't given anyone the impression that my wife is evil. She's just very emotional. She's not really devious, but she can't help saying what's going through her head, and unfortunately the children are generally around when she says it.The children are off school on half term holiday next week. I've decided to tell them then. I have it planned out in my head that I'll tell my wife, she'll cry a bit, and then we'll tell the children together, but I bet it won't work out how I've planned it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): Good for you for finally refusing not to allow your wife to use your kids against you to manipulate you. She's got no sense of decency or boundaries.You should tell your kids privately on your own, without her. Then you can be in control of what they hear, not her. Then inform her and knock the wind out of her sails by saying the kids already know. be prepared however, that after you've moved out and divorced, that your wife will fill their heads with nasty words about you. She has shown that she has no decency about shielding the kids from the adults' marital problems. You might want to warn your kids ahead of time of this and tell them not to believe whatever she says about you. But I think you should be prepared for a very real possibility that she WILL turn the kids against you after you've moved out and in many ways there will not be much you can do. Still, some day when they are grown up and mature enough to understand adult relationships, they will come back to you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 February 2013):
I was going to say the exact same thing as So Very Confused.
It's not fair of you to punish your children because of your wife's irrational behavior. There is no reason not to tell the kids first and react to them without the presence of your manipulative wife.
You should take them to eat and a movie or something, but don't tell them in a very public place. Maybe your car or a park or something.
I also wouldn't mention that you don't love your wife anymore. Keep it simple: mom and dad don't get along and we've tried for a long time to fix it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 February 2013):
 You ask: " But how are you supposed to talk sensibly about divorce when your partner is so emotional and is not open to reason?"
YOU AREN'T (supposed to). Take your kids aside and explain to them that you and "Mommy" aren't seeing eye-to-eye.... and that the only way for you and her to survive is to live at separate addresses..... AND, you tell them that this parting of you and their Mother has NOTHING to do with them... and that BOTH you and Mommy will continue to love them..... But that you will be "away"... at a nearby address... and life will go on... and the four of you WILL survive this.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2013):
 If you are dead set on leaving I think you need to take the kids (at 12 and 16 they are old enough to understand some of what is going on) and go out just the three of you (maybe a nice dinner just you and the kids) and explain to them that you are leaving and mommy will be very upset and you are sorry about that and it's not about THEM you are not leaving THEM.... you will always be there for THEM and also to help mommy when you can....
Then you go home and you tell your wife, I've already talked to the kids and they understand so there's no need to try to manipulate them or me, I'm leaving on such and such a date...
have you spoken to a lawyer?
here in my state if a spouse moves out of the marital home s/he can be charged with abandonment.... that does not bode well in court for them.
If your wife is so unstable have you made arrangements for room for the kids to live with you if it comes to that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): I think you are being horribly underhand and sneaky and this will probably finish your wife off! My ex husband did this to me - he arranged to move into a beautiful home in St John's wood behind my back and just walked. It was deeply unsettling to me and the children. He said the same as you that it was impossible to talk to me but I can tell you having that done to you is completely devastating. I can appreciate how frustrating it must be but you must sit your wife down and tell her what you are about to do so it does not come as a bolt from the blue as that is unbelievably cruel. I can tell by the emotion in your post that there is no turning back for you but please treat your wife with kindness and consideration during this as her whole world is about to fall apart. The children are not that young and will understand but she will find it very hard. She is not going to sit as a partnership and tell your children together about the divorce as this is not something she wants so realistically is not going to talk calmly or rationally about it as she is upset. That only works if it is a mutual decision. I know I would have liked to have been told what was going to happen and a time frame so I could get my head around it all in advance. Our children were unsettled for a month or so and then were quite happy to see the back of 'unhappy Daddy' who was always in a mood.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2013): I can relate totally though when my mother left my father, I was the child .. My mothers story was much like your own, my father had mental health issues and though my mother supported him and tried for years to overcome the difficulties it was not just wearisome but was also effecting her health . So without telling my father, my mother did the same as you are doing now, she went and got a house saved for furniture before hand and though it wasn't a palace, it was home..My mother though gave us the option of staying with our father I couldn't I was 15teen and my father was mentally ill . But she did ask my older brothers and they declined to stay with him choosing to stay with my mother. It was heartbreaking, I had never seen my father so torn up nor my mother with guilt but the split was necessary for her health as well as his own. And as a family we did go see my father, my mother also after a few years visited my father, she loved him but could no longer live with him, so sad but very true.I think you need to take your children out for tea, lunch to the park just you three and calmly and collectively tell them you are leaving and give them the choice to either stay or be with you. Say you will be there as much as humanly possible for them and their mother but for your own sanity and health you have to leave. Let them know you love them but don't say you don't love their mother. Just say life has became unbearable due to her illness and though you care for her you have to think of your health too.Then give them a key to your house each. This lets them know you want them in your life. I would also look at any other way your wife may be supported through this time, let her psychiatrist know you have had to leave they may give her a CPN to come and talk with her on a daily basis for a while and social work intervention to help aid her to take care of resell and the children if the choose to stay with mum. Be prepared they may choose you .Good luck I do hope all works out fine.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (12 February 2013):
Dear OP,I agree with Mandy.If you don't want your children to be crying and begging you to stay, if you want to lessen your wife's influence on them, silently escaping is not going to help, on the contrary.Your kids won't understand how you could have done that to them and if you don't give them any explanation, your wife will do the explaining for you. And she surely won't say anything flattering. She'll describe you as a heartless and cold person who ruined a happy family.So, in case you care about your children, which I'm sure you do, talk to them and explain them. They are not too young to understand you if you explain them how you feel. Tell them there's no love in this marriage, tell them you're worn out. Tell them you need some space. And if they cry, well, let them, they have a right to be sad. This IS a sad moment in their life, so instead of hiding, be a father to them. You can't make all this easy for them, no matter how sensibly discussed, no matter how rationally told. Also, have some understanding for your wife as well. It's not fair, what she does, but she obviously never wanted it to come to this. You have a right to go if you want to, but accept that it's hurting her and that maybe it's not possible for her to act rationally right now. You may not love her anymore, but maybe she still feels love for you and you are breaking her heart. I don't want to make you change your mind. Just keep in mind that your family doesn't have to take this easy and calmly, that would be very unnatural.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 February 2013):
 If you belong to a church I would suggest asking for help in guiding the kids through this or find a counselor who can help the kids make sense of it. Kids are smart, don't ever forget that.
And sounds to me like she is trying to emotionally blackmail you into staying, which is not cool at all.I don't blame you for not giving her advance notice.
BUT I do think you need to find a way to include your kids in your life in a way that they will know that it wasn't/isn't THEM you are leaving, but an unhappy marriage.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (12 February 2013):
 HI
I totally get and understand your frustration here, but even after all she has done and been like over the years this is not a very good way to solve anything. Your children will be very hurt if you just left then told them regardless of how close you will be living, as by the sounds of things she will turn the kids against you. I feel the best way to do this would be for YOU to sit down with the children alone as your wife clearly dont have their Physiological well being at her best interest. Maybe take them out somewhere for a picnic, then just explain that even though mummy and daddy can't be together anymore it don't change how much you love them and that you will continue to be there for them. I'm sure you will have your own way of explaining it to them, but I think your right by leaving. There is only so much a relationship can go through, and if you truly feel there is no way back then it would be better all round, because the children are already getting dragged into this by your wifes appauling behaviour. Don't get me wrong i'm sure she is need of some help too, something must of triggered her to be this way, as you said there must have been love in the begining or you wouldn't have got married, do you rememeber when this started? was she treated for postnal depression? because you will still need to sit down and tell her before just leaving after all she is your wife, also if she is so depressed and crying all the time would she be the sort of person to harm herself or others? you will need to take all of this in to account before being rash . I know this is overbearing and hard for you right now, but clearly your the only one being the adult here so make sure you keep that up, don't let anger or frustration take you of course.
Mandy x
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