A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a huge argument with my boyfriend and I'd like some advice on how to handle it.About a month before I ever met him I was dating quite a bit, we met each other on a dating site so he was quite aware that I was dating people before I met him. We got on really well so I decided to shut down my account on this dating site and be exclusive with him.About a month in to our relationship he told me that he had looked at my phone when I was asleep and got in to my emails, Facebook and anything else he could. He found Facebook messages from a guy who I had gone on a date with before I met him. This guy was being really clingy, then sexual and then telling me that he'd gone to sleep with some woman because I was ignoring him. I told him off for sending me all of that and blocked him.But my boyfriend is now telling me that I'm a slag who sleeps with people on the first date. When we've been drunk somehow our past flings have come out, talking about exes and stuff like that, which is never a good idea! But when we were drunk we'd talk about lots of things.When I met my boyfriend he had taken a photo of his niece and it had some kind of orb or something on the photo. He believes in ghost and paranormal things, I don't so much, but he wanted to show me this photo. He swiped past all his other photos and it was full of pictures with naked girls who he had been talking to on the dating site I met him on. As it was a new relationship I couldn't get too mad, I knew he was on that site talking to lots of people. So I just didn't say anything.But I'm really angry that he is having a go at me about people I met before I ever saw him. I have a friend who had a threesome with two girls a couple of months ago, it kind of shocked me as I didn't realise she was bisexual and again when drunk I just chatted to him about it. Shouldn't have really as it's her business not mine. But now he's accusing me of being a lesbian with her and telling me my friend is a slag!She isn't a slag, she did that and she's single, it's up to her what she wants to do if it doesn't hurt anybody. I have male friends and he keeps telling me they all want to sleep with me. He's told me in the past that he's had threesomes with people, he even had sex with a girl in a car while her friend was driving.I'm so angry that he has acted this way in the past but thinks all women who act the same are nasty and have loose morals. How can men have such double standards, how can somebody be angry because I had the nerve to sleep with somebody before I ever met him. I'm trying my best to get this point across to him but he won't listen to me! What can I say to him to make him understand how unreasonable and hypocritical he really is.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): Break up with this guy. There are several huge red flags here for me already. 1) You've been dating for only a month and he's already invaded your privacy. He has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to do that and it also shows that already he doesn't trust you. This will become an issue if you stay with him because of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship is trust.2) He is being really hypocritical and has no right to judge you, especially for something you did before you knew him and he's done the same thing.3) He calls you names. This shows a complete lack of respect for you and women in general. Finally, seriously consider this: Can you see yourself marrying this guy? There's your answer.I agree with others, dump him and block him from your phone, Facebook etc. You deserve better.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 August 2015):
 You ask "how can men have such double standards"
NOT all men do. HE does. THIS alone makes him not a good match for you.
the fact that he invaded your privacy is another strike against him.
YOU will NOT be able to change his mind. This is an end waiting to happen. Make it so.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (25 August 2015):
Don't you mean your EX boyfriend?
What? You haven't dumped this rotten SOB yet? Why? What are you waiting for? This behavior is never going to get better, it will only get much worse. You think it's bad now? Just wait.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (25 August 2015):
I honestly suggest you let go of this guy. It's only gonna get worse, & he is gonna pull you down with drama and try to make you stay. But honestly, I really don't think it's healthy for you to be with him. He is rather immature. And unless he realised that, it's gonna get rather uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 August 2015):
 I would decimate this guy for breaking into my phone while I slept to snoop in my private emails. Never mind he had the gall to judge you before he met you! He violated your trust in your relationship. Snooping is not cool, and I would have dropped him really fast.
Seriously - he's trying to control you, criticizing your past and your friends. Do you think for one second that it's at random that when you're drunk, you talk about your past relationships? No! He's doing that on purpose, and now he's overstepped the boundaries of any relationship.
It's going to get worse. You need to change all of your passwords and break up with the guy. That's a serious and very scary red flag.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 August 2015):
 He DOES have the "typical hypocritical double-standard" many men have, that women are "whores" (slags) if they have sex but guys are "studs" if they do it.
To me, when a guy looks at women and thinks it's OK to call them names those men lack respect for women in general.
And this guy (your BF) will only get worse over the years if you stay with him. He will judge you "unfairly" because YOU are a woman. For whatever reason he thinks women are the only ones who should act a certain way (men however are allowed to do as they please).
It's OK for him to (still) have naked photos of women on his phone even though he is dating you, but NOT OK for you to have had sex with the guy you dated before him...
And it was somehow OK for him to go through your e-mail, Facebook, phone? WHY is that OK?
He won't listen to you, because he doesn't THINK you could be right... or that HE could be wrong.
Sorry, HE is not going to change. So you have two choices:
1. suck it up.
2. dump his misogynistic hypocritical ass.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): Unfortunately anyone who behaves like this man is too immature for a relationship. He will grind you down with his accusations and jealousy. Your only choice is to get out. I am speaking from experience. Your friend was sneaking thorough your phone in order to "catch you". He is ill.
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