A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a long distance relationship which is hard because in his absence, I fill in the gaps of who I think he is or what he's like from memory and my memory is always more rosy than reality. Like right now I just think he's the greatest I want to see him I miss him he's my person he's the best etc. I don't try to do this whole building up thing I try to keep this in check but I'm not successful with this. When I do see him I sometimes get disappointed because he is or acts differently than who I envision him as, or because he just doesn't meet my expectations of him. It is easy to learn a person when they're in front of you all the time; it's also easy to remember they're human that way. But because of the distance, I have trouble keeping things on a normal scale.And then it's hard because what am I supposed to make of this phenomenon, do I just like the idea of him and not him, or is it just too hard to say? I often wonder what it will be like if he moves back here (he's trying to get a job here) and I remove the emotional fluff I've created over time-will there be a nugget of why I liked him there to begin with, or will it totally boil down to a fantasy and nothing more? I feel in love with him but sometimes I don't trust my own feelings based on what I've already said.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 February 2017):
 OP, re-read my response. I gave you a coping mechanism to help you figure out what he's really like vs your fantasy.
I'm in an LDR, so I know it's impossible not to get excited about them, but I also know how important it is to see them for who they are, even while you're apart.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can clarify a couple of things. I have known him since 2013, when I was in a long term relationship. I broke up with that guy in 2014, and dated other people around 2 years, but seeing my now-bf every so often. During that 2 year period of dating and trying to find someone I could connect with, my current person is the only person I felt I could be myself. We started as a friends with benefits-y type thing but we both developed feelings and decided to make official last year. I have been seeing him for a year, I see him about every other weekend, although winter has been about one weekend a month (I'm waiting for the weather to clear because I'm scared to drive in bad snow conditions and put chains on my car). So I want to be clear that it's not some rando I've met once and won't see in another 5 years.
I was hoping for coping mechanisms to try to maintain realistic expectations-I am aware of the issue and that's why I want to try to not idealize him. I don't mean to get excited when it's time for us to see each other. I try to tell myself to be calm but I'm so happy when it's time for me to see him. And sometimes with that high comes an abrupt, and what can be an upsetting, disconnect when something doesn't mesh with what--not even what I WANT him to be, but realizing more who he is vs. who I think he is. I'm TRYING to learn who he is and not put my own perception of who he is in his absence. And I was trying to figure out ways to try to deal with that. Sometimes I get worried about me getting upset about the disconnect that I've described, but I would rather see if it's something I can try to work on than just say "nevermind we're doomed and it's gonna be a catastrophe," I'm just not at that point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): That is exactly the problem with LDR's. You have to fill in the gaps with your imagination; or the other party will create a persona tailored to whatever you list or describe as your ideal match.
Never forget that before even meeting you, your profile describes you and your list of criteria for what you're looking for. You even respond to a list of questions and take surveys that pretty much giveaway who you are and what you want. Making it very easy for people to create a fake character to fit your fantasy-man or dream-date.
From what you describe, you're given to romanticizing; and you are creating the perfect guy in your imagination. That is dangerous; because your feelings are for what you're imagining and not for the real person.
Some people are just not cutout to handle LDR's. When you find yourself fantasizing; that's a pretty good indication you're totally dissatisfied and unfulfilled, or totally desperate. Thus overcompensating for your cravings and desires by building him up into someone he really isn't. Your feelings are not real.
If he moves closer-by, you will lose interest; because the man will not fit all the attributes of your imaginary-lover. He will have displaced himself all for nothing.
Either stay in the realm of reality, or put this make-believe relationship to rest.
I foresee disaster in the future; because he will not be anything you've imagined. There is no way of knowing how he will react to rejection, or the disappointment from your loss of interest when he doesn't meet your expectations.
From your post, it seems you barely know this man. Even as though you've met only once or twice.
Please, be careful. You can't play with his emotions like that. He can't love you, nor you him. You don't even know each other.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (9 February 2017):
 It's clear he is not the person you envision him to be because you just stated he acts different from the idealized bf you imagined. I think you need to talk to him more and meet him more. Some people who pursue long distance partners do so because they are afraid of the intimacy of a more available partner close by. I cant even list amount of people who I know who chose that lifestyle and its pretty sad, it sounds like he likes you a lot (hes moving to be closer to you) but you both are living two different lives. I dont think you even know him at allHe's not a perfect person, hes going to be human and humans are flawed. When he moves in, youre going to see him day to day, he will use bathroom, blow his nose, he will have quirks and dislikes and likes that different from yours, he will have a past, friends and family, his own separate identity. From you post, you never once mentioned this. I dont think youre ready to be with him at allA mature relationship blossoms when two very different people learn to love and live with each other, and its stronger because youve learned to compromise. I think you should start out with actually 'DATING' him to know who he is and stop fantasizing. It would lead to disappointment and further hurt him because he wants you see/know the real him. He deserves thatGood luck
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (9 February 2017):
 I'm trying to work out what your question is. Your feelings are normal for the situation you find yourself in. Is it worth it? Is it worth saving yourself for an ideal?
I think it depends on what your relationship was like before you had to maintain long-distance contact. Did you even have a relationship before you were separated? Or is this just something that has happened on-line?
If that is the case then most of this will be in your head. Sorry if that spoils your fantasy but I'm telling you like I read it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (9 February 2017):
You should write about him each day you see him in person. It doesn't have to take more than 5 minutes. Write down things he does or says and see if too many things don't match the romanticised version you've dreamt up.
In an LDR, you *have* to force yourself to be more realistic because major problems can arise if one of you moves closer and you're not compatible.
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