A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to be able to trust my boyfriend, I really do but at times I can't help but doubt what he says when I know he has cheated and lied to me before.We have been together on and off for four years, nearly five. He cheated on me after about a year, and we broke up. He promised to change and I was willing to give him a second chance. Everything was ok until last year when his bit on the side told me that they had been having a full blown affair behind my back for the past 3-4 months. I was heartbroken as I'm sure you would expect, and it was made worst by the fact he denied it, but I'd see photos, texts, Facebook message ect after this women came into my work place to show me. I left him and walked away, I didn't want him if he could ruin our relationship yet again.Then at the start of the year, he lost his father. I had always got on well with his family and his sister's are good friends of mine, so I attended the wake. I spoke to him and a few days later he asked if we could talk about us. I didn't want to say no after the past few weeks he had, so I agreed to meeting him. It wasn't like we got back together straight away, we took things slowly. I saw a different side to him after his father's death and I wanted to believe that maybe losing his father had made him wake up. My problem I guess is that I feel like I have to check up on him. Check his Facebook page, or ask his friends about nights out they had or even as stupid as I have began picking him up from work or stopping by his workplace so we can have lunch together or just to see him.When we spoke he promised he would never cheat on me again, and he admitted to kissing a few girls and some sex-texts he had sent girls he had met on nights out. He was honest about it all so I felt like he deserved a little bit of my trust, but I just don't know if I want to believe his words or if I believe I'm stupid if I do.I mean, can you ever really trust someone after an affair, and a lot more little things? I love him, I never stopped loving him but I don't want my insecurities to ruin our relationship, but I don't known if I will ever trust him again. Even if I want too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): You can't trust him. The saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is usually true specially if they already cheated more then once. Wouldn't you rather start fresh with a new guy who has never betrayed or hurt you? If you stay you will always be paranoid and worried about what he's doing and that is not a good relationship to be in. Good luck.
A
female
reader, jmly  +, writes (25 June 2014):
If he loved you would he have done that? Don't go back to a man who has repeatedly done that, worst of all, he even admitted to it! Yes he was honest but do you honestly think he's actually not do it again? That man doesn't deserve you one bit. No matter how many times he's said sorry.
You deserve someone who can actually keep his promise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): Make no mistake. This guy is convinced that as long as he meets you half way with some of his disclosures, that you'll always be there to take him back. That he will lie to make things seem more innocuous is almost a given. I doubt that he'll ever change. Although I know it will be tough because you are still in love with him, you need to stay away. You'll find in time that you made the sensible choice.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 June 2014):
 If he had done it ONCE yeah maybe I'd say give it a shot.. but he's done it twice... that's a choice not a mistake.
You can't and should NOT trust him. He's done NOTHING to earn this trust.
Trust is like a fine china tea cup. When you are new in a relationship there is an expectation that trust is there.
IF you break your tea cup you can glue it back together so that from a DISTANCE it looks fine... BUT up close there is always a small hairline crack and that part of the cup is always a bit more fragile than the rest and the cup is now more easily broken.
Your tea cup has been broken twice. I wouldn't drink out of a cup that's been broken twice.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 June 2014):
There's a good reason you can't trust him and it's not your insecurities... It's the fact that he's repeatedly cheated on you.
To make matters worse he's been able to get you back every time, so if he is tempted again he'll probably just tell himself that if you find out you're not going anywhere.
I normally advise people who want to stay with a cheater to figure out why they cheated. Some problems can be fixed, through better communication, therapy, anti-depressants, "rules" (don't get into a situation where you're tempted), etc.
In your case you're with someone who clearly just doesn't care enough to be faithful. And there's no fix for that except an open relationship where it's no longer cheating and you can do the same.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (25 June 2014):
 You cannot trust him because you know he isn`t trustworthy.
Best of luck with it all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): Trust is a difficult thing to earn, give, or keep. It is a very precious commodity that people seem to very casually screw around with. Once it is lost, it never comes back full-strength for anyone who has violated it.
No, you will never fully trust your boyfriend again. You will always keep it in the back of your mind what he is capable of. That is a healthy and normal reaction to such things. Until it becomes an obsession. Then it is not.
I caught my boyfriend in-bed with someone. I saw it with my own eyes and he couldn't deny it. We had a rock-solid relationships, and were together eight years by this incident. I had to make a decision. It was based on our history, and I was willing to forgive 100%. It lasted an additional 20 years; until he died seven years ago. My trust was as solid as ever was; because he was a man of character, and made it his business to prove himself to be.
Did I have my doubts and suspicions. Yes! I'm human.
No matter how good he behaves, he will never erase your doubt. It will just fade-away and resurface in spells.
If you read DC often, you would think people don't trust each other anyway.
There will be years down the road, should things last so long for you; that twinges of doubt and suspicion will rise. Even if you're with someone else. The damage inflicted by betrayal is often permanent. Especially when it has happened more than once.
Then there is the area of forgiveness. How much, and how many times you can do it. Forgiveness is tricky. There is 100% forgiveness, where an issue is buried forever. Never to be raised again.
Then there is "conditional" forgiveness. It is not real forgiveness. It is based on the "verbalized-suggestion" that you forgive. In your heart, it only exists until the next violation occurs. The suspicion is always there that the violator will do it again. That isn't really forgiveness. It's waiting.
You are not happy, because you are always "waiting." Wondering if and when it will happen again. You're almost certain that it will. So sure, you were compelled to write a post. That's how much it bothers you.
There are no guarantees in life. Anyone can cheat. So we can never say never. Not one of us.
If you decide to take another risk with your guy, you have to work to rebuild trust. Doling it out, as it is earned. That will not happen, if you're only waiting. Your relationship cannot exist without trust.
He has proven he can cheat. If you wanted him bad enough to take him back; then you know you have to live with the decision without making his life hell. More importantly, your own.
People can change and repent for their mistakes. They earn redemption by never doing it again. The only problem is, repeat-offenders may be prone to cheat again. It's easier to recover from a one-time slip-up; than from several past offenses. If a person is the combination of a liar and a cheater; you're best to let them go for good. They don't deserve trust. Lying means they're not sorry for what they've done; and don't have the balls to own any responsibility. They only want to avoid the consequences.
Once they've been caught; they already know that they're never fully trusted; whether they cheat or not. That makes it very hard to repent and keep their word. They'll always be punished for their past crimes, and suspected they'll do it again. No matter how hard they try not to, and don't.
If you have unresolved trust-issues; you both need couple's counseling. You'll get reassurances by discussing the problem directly; under supervision and the mediation of a certified professional.
You have been traumatized by his actions. Healing begins when you are able to establish why he did it, and he is able to fix-it in his own mind that he will not do it again. He first has to understand himself. Why he does it? Why commit to someone in the first place? Although he knows better, and the serious consequences of cheating.
Love is often measured by how hard we work to earn and keep our partner's trust. How much we show that it is valued.
Without seeking a remedy to settle your paranoia and getting the past off your mind; I don't know if you will succeed at keeping your relationship with him going. You don't seem fully-convinced that taking him back was the right thing to do. That is what you're asking us. If you can't forgive him, it was not.
We don't know him, so that is your call.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 June 2014):
 I like this: "He was honest about it all so I felt like he deserved a little bit of my trust..." Sheeesh....
Is it that easy to get you to compromise yourself? ... and set yourself up for yet ANOTHER fall??????
Really.... you've got to remember that we guys will do just about anything (even feigning to be honest!) if it will get a girl back in to bed with us....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 June 2014):
 No.
THAT is the easy simply truth.
He cheated on you one time BEFORE and you forgave. Then he cheated again and as you put it sexted and kissed a few girls when out. And because he was "honest" about it you should forgive him...
Sorry, honey you are living in a fantasy. YOU want him to BE a guy that he CAN NOT be. And that is a faithful guy. NOT going to happen.
Forgiving doesn't ERASE the past. It doesn't ERASE his actions.
And you won't leave him, because you pull the "I LOVE HIM" card as a reason to keep forgiving. You two will play time game for years to come, then add some kids and you will at some point end up a single mom, because despite you constantly forgiving him he will want "greener grass".
You don't want YOUR insecurities to ruin it? UM... don't you think him cheating is what is ruining the trust here?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 How can you trust him... ? You can't . He cheated on you twice. Enough said.
Everybody deserves a second chance, and nobody a third.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (25 June 2014):
 Its rare for cheats to change their ways. Also he has cheated twice. That should be the deal breaker. Why stay for the hat trick?
Despite his assurances of being a changed man, he is sexting others, kissing others he has met on nights out. If he was genuine in wanting to prove to you he can be trusted then snogging and sexting other girls he meets on nights out is not the way to go about it. The fact he admitted it is more likely to prevent fall out if one of those girls confronts you and shows you his texts.
The most important aspect in any relationship is trust, without that you have nothing.
Mark
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 Your BF cheated twice and you rightly so cannot trust him. Why did you go back to him, do you really think he would change? He cheated twice and the only reason he feels bad is because you found out. You know it and that's what you cannot accept is that there is nothing stopping from cheating on you again as he is comfortable that you will always go back to him. Your lack of trust is justified and there is no assurance that we can give you that he will not cheat.
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