A
female
age
41-50,
*Ale°
writes:Hello-Was wondering if you guys could give me some insight on this situation: How to comfort a loved one during and after the death of a family member.My fiance's grandmother is very ill and has just recently stopped eating (which is usually a sign that things are shutting down) and isn't able to talk which is terrible since that's the only way she can communicate with him since she's in another country. Another thing is that him and I are currently living in two different states, so how could I possibly be there when I am not?Thank you for taking the time to read and answer.
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male
reader, doddster_24  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Hi,If you check some of my posts you will see that I've been with my girlfriend over just two months. About a month into the relationship her nan died, they were close, now as i seen it, i had fallen head over heals in love with her, and i made sure i was there at every opportunity i could be, but not too intrusive on her private matters.I rang her up everyday while she was sorting things out, she lives 7 miles away, comforted her when she was upset, hugged her when we was together. She still isn't over her nan's death, but she knows I'm here for her, so my best bet is; give him space but not too little, let him know that you are there for him and that it's ok to grieve for his nan in front of you, ie hug you tightly, and have a good old cry.All the best, and I hope my advice helps you out a little....
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 That sounds like the right thing to do! Great decision, and you're right about spending the money on the ticket and not on the phone bill. I'm sure your very presence will be a lot of comfort. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, °Ale° +, writes (31 July 2008):
°Ale° is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so very much, Tisha. Your words were very kind and thoughtful. I realize how critical it is for me to be by his side and opted for a plane ticket (and invest the money I wouldve potentially paid for the phone bill!)
I thank you again,
Alethia
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 July 2008):
Sorry to hear about this impending loss; it's never easy to lose a loved one, and even more difficult if you can't be with them or talk to them. If I were him, I'd still talk with her on the phone, even if she can't respond. Hearing his voice and words will be a comfort to her, I'm sure.
As far as what you can do from long distance, this is more difficult because it has to be on the phone or via email. I think the thing a person in grief wants more than anything else is simply your presence, even if it is over the phone. Be prepared for a huge phone bill. Let him talk about whatever he wishes, let him tell stories, don't force him to if he doesn't want to. Just listen, don't interrupt, don't say words like, 'it's for the best.' Allow him to express his feelings without judgement. Mentally put your arms around him and console him; he'll feel that if you tell him that's what you're doing. Do talk about the little things in your day, what you've been doing, try to keep things as normal as possible. Make up a music CD for him, with lovely songs which might help him feel better and bring a smile to his face. Send him cards with inspirational thoughts written in them. Support him as much as you can by doing errands or online things for him. Take some of the burden off his shoulders, if at all possible. Basically, just be there as much as you can for him.
With best wishes and condolences.
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