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How can I stop thinking of myself as a failure and get my life in order?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 August 2017)
A male South Africa age 26-29, anonymous writes:

i've failed to establish any sort of relationships with women. I've never had any confidence in myself and always dreamed of having a girlfriend. I'll be honest and say that I felt that having a woman would somehow validate me. I know this is wrong but I have achieved nothing in my life and sex is the most basic of the accomplishments a person is supposed to have. It doesn't take money, looks or education and you can still get it I am an exception to this. Beyond my sexual failures is the fact that most people lose their virginity in high school, early college/20's at the latest. I'm 26. I don't know how to kiss, touch, hold or move. I have nothing to offer in terms of personality, money or life and this is why I have no confidence with women and people in general.

Due to my virginity I have developed an unhealthy attitude towards young girls (16-18) because I feel like they are the only ones at my social level (no job, little to no experience and uncertain about the future) and this makes me sick as this is very predatory behaviour. I am regressing as a human being and continue to find new ways to dig past rock bottom.

I want to stop lusting for them and other women in general. I just want to be ok. Wake up in the morning and not be overwhelmed with thoughts of imaginary conquests and of how much of a failure I am for my actions and thoughts.

what steps can I take to stop?

p.s. I'm off to the boondocks for some days and won't be able to respond until tuesday at the earliest

View related questions: confidence, money

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (11 August 2017):

First of all, you need therapy, not because you lust young girls, but because you need help to build confidence.

Second, you don't need money or looks to find a GF, but you do need a personality at least. If you go to therapy, you might be able to explore your personality better and feel more confident being you. It's not about trying to be someone that you are not, it's about being yourself, but the better self you have.

Third, you need to constantly improve yourself, regardless if it's for a girlfriend or not. Get self help books, audiobooks, programs, courses, lectures, etc, and READ THOSE MATERIALS. Not only this knowledge will make you more interesting to girls, but this could also help you develop your skills to get a better paying job.

Fourth, join a club. Join all the clubs, arts, of sports that you can afford, specially those that have lots of girls, like swimming. Doing those kinds of activities help you develop a better personality, but they also expose you to lots of girls, even those 16-18 year olds you like, and that will increase your chances of success.

Fifth, when you find a girl you like, talk to her, know more about here, know what she likes, get her to know in the deepest level you can. If you like her and you notice some interest from her part, then start dating. Take her out. If you don't have money, get her to a park, a museum, to a beach, wherever you can both spend time and get to know each other better.

When you feel the time is right, and when she is not expecting it, kiss her. There is nothing worse than person asking "Can I kiss you?". That it's the biggest turnoff for women, so don't do it.

Now, DON'T EXPECT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT AWAY, PLEASE. This will just scare some girls away. Just make slow but steady steps to getting to that point. Walk a step forward, and then a step back always until you know how she feels about what you do to her. So if you want to touch her breasts over her clothing, do it slowly, but never go into full blown breast touching. If you notice she stops you, don't try that again the same day right away. Keep trying this until one day she feels like she is ready for you to touch her breasts over her clothing.

Little by little you can explore new areas on her, without scaring her away, and without her not approving anything.

Sixth, GET A BETTER JOB. While you don't want a gold digger as a GF, you do want to have more earnings if you want to marry and have family, so put all your effort in improving your career.

Best luck!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

I think you need to find employment pronto! I strongly urge you to get thoughts of under-age girls out of your mind; or find yourself pursing your unsavory-urges, and landing in prison. If not getting your head smashed by an enraged father! Your age is well above what legal statutes consider appropriate for under-aged females; regardless of where you think your mind operates. Lest I remind you!

Most people crave to be productive and feel having a purpose gives them self-worth. You need to feel you've contributed something; and that starts by finding a job and putting your skills into practice. Earning financial-independence; and getting out of your house, and into the public-sector and workaday-world. Out of isolation.

Virginity is not a disability, social-disorder, or a disease. Your age while a virgin is irrelevant. Your social-skills need work. Personality may be one of your most obvious impediments; if you can't connect with women.

Women are people. Intelligent, intuitive, caring, and selective about who puts their hands on their bodies. Weirdness and oddball-behavior drives them away. They keep their distance from guys who look like serial-killers and display creepiness. These are the most common reasons men are unable to find girlfriends. Not being virgins.

The smartest and most-levelheaded females are attracted to maturity, kindness, intellect, a good work-ethic, and a man with confidence. Although they like to test-drive bad-boys for thrills. Once they get burnt and listen to their common-sense; they discover good-character compensates for challenges in the look's department, and other minor male shortcomings. Check yourself.

Seek mental-healthcare when you feel behavior coming on you can't control. May I recommend that be done now?!!

It is definitely true that "an idle-mind is the devil's workshop." You're sitting around all day thinking about sex and young females; while obsessing about your virginity.

If your country has socialized-medicine; there is no reason you shouldn't be seeing a therapist, and getting help. You may be suffering depression; and you need evaluation for a diagnosis. Before you get out there and do something you'll only live to regret. You had best suppress your cravings as best you can, until you receive help.

You haven't progressed in your ability to interact with women; because you've got a few things only a professional can detect, diagnose, and help you to deal with.

The most immediate and easiest remedy for your situation is a job. You're feeling sorry for yourself, beating yourself up, and your mind is going places it had better not!

Get some counseling. It will help you to get a handle on your emotions and feelings of despair. You'll receive treatment and therapy to control thoughts and urges you shouldn't act upon.

A job is the best therapy and cure for poverty and a lost sense of purpose. Try temporary job-placement services; and don't hesitate to accept even the most ordinary work pending something better. Get financial-assistance from social programs, until you're on your feet. You need to keep busy and put money in your pockets!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntCrikey, 26 years old and still a virgin? Your life is obviously over! I am pulling your leg of course (but only gently) because that is the way your post comes across. 26 is not exactly "past it". Your life is not over. You are not too old to start ANYTHING.

Your problem is that you are focussing on sex (not even love) and seeing the lack of this as the root of all that you see as lacking/wrong in your life. It is a classic case of what came first: the chicken or the egg? As you don't have a job and, for that reason, feel you have nothing to offer a female, you also lack confidence with females. WHY are you not working? Do you have health issues which stop you working? If so, you need to get help with them as a matter of priority. Do you suffer from depression perhaps? If not, then you need to focus your energies on getting a job. This will boost your confidence.

Well done for realizing your fascination with young girls is not healthy and also for understanding where this fascination originates. You KNOW that is not the answer. Please don't pursue that course.

I have no idea what the employment set-up is in South Africa but assume there is some sort of help you can get to find a job? In the UK we encourage people to do voluntary work if they cannot find paid work as this looks good on your CV and also gives you free experience in the work place. Is this something you could do?

Apart from finding someone to have sex with, what are your passions? Can you volunteer to help with wildlife, or with homeless people, or something else which you care about?

I hope your break does you good and you come back refreshed and ready to grab your life by the throat and mould it into what you want it to be. You are strong. You are young. You CAN do this.

Good luck.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (11 August 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt This may sound simplistic, but, why don't you start from looking for, and securing yourself, a job ?

and I don't mean just sending out CVs or signing up at the job center, which you probably are already doing. I mean taking your job search seriously and doing all it takes to get yourself marketable skills- going back to school, or doing a professional course to learn a trade, or mastering a foreign language , or whatever it takes in your area to maximize your chances of employement.

Not that you need a job for getting laid. Students, and unemployed or retired people can have sex too.

BUT, your big problem is that you feel insecure , inadequate and unworthy because you haven't accomplished anything yet.

Then- accomplish something. Intuitive, isn't. At 26 you are young enough to build a whole new career and a whole new life from scratch !

Not to mention that while people can go on all their life without a love partner ( for some it is even a willing, conscious choice ) and still get a reasonable measure of sarisfaction , instead unless you are an heir to a fortune you can't go through life wuthout an income and the skills to make a living independently. Well, I suppose that technically you can scrape by , if you have generous relative and friends , or if you live in an assistencial State large in distributing unemployement and housing benefuts, but it's not what people would normally choose to do if they had any other resort.

First things first . First get the job ( and the self esteem boost which will come with this accomplishment ): Then start going about getting the girl.

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