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How can I stop thinking about him and move on?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Crushes, Dating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 14 May 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello!

I'm sorry if this is not the right place to vent, but I feel like I can't talk to anyone about something that is bothering me so much right now and just need to hear others' thoughts.

I fell for a guy who is a good/long-time friend of mine while I was dating someone else in a serious long-time relationship years back. It absolutely drove me insane for YEARS because I loved the man I was with very much, but I could not shake my attraction for this other man. Over time, it began to bother me so much that I could not get over the feeling of attraction to this other man that I often felt guilty and trapped in my current relationship and began to wonder if I should end it. Me and the other man ended up cheating together at one point, and I felt really bad about it after. I stopped talking to him and tried my best to focus on helping my current relationship instead. I truly wanted to get over my feelings for the other man and try to make things work with my boyfriend. In the long run, I decided to leave because I couldn't deal with the situation anymore and also because of other problems with our relationship. It was hard on both of us, and I was also very distraught about the whole situation.

Now, I have been single for almost 2 years, and I do not have any contact with my ex. However, I do still spend time with the other friend/love interest. Probably a bad idea, I know, but I couldn't help it. Once I became single and he was also, I wanted to see if something may work between us. He also seems interested in me, but not in a relationship. We have had casual hookups now and then, but we are not dating or anything like that. Neither of us wanted a relationship when that started, and we talked about all of this beforehand.

However, now I am beginning to feel ready again for dating and to find someone I can be with in a relationship, but once again I am caught up on this man!! I think about him every day and miss seeing him if we don't talk for a few days. We don't sleep together often, mostly just hang out as friends, but I care for him a lot and I am interested in him that way although I know he doesn't want a relationship and also feels it would be inappropriate since he doesn't want to hurt my ex. It's so frustrating that that is the main thing that keeps us apart. Like, he does all kinds of things that show that he cares about me and respects me, and I know that he does have feelings for me but is fearful to act on it from not wanting to get serious right now and possibly hurting my ex who he still considers a good friend although they don't talk much anymore, and I get that. I think I would feel the same if the situation was the other way around.

I am still just having such a hard time getting over feeling attracted to him, whether we sleep together or not. I'm starting to feel like I am just going to have to cut him out of my life completely to be able to move on, but the idea of doing that makes me so sad. We have been friends for such a long time and have all the same friends, so it is nearly impossible to do that anyway. I am just at a loss of how to get myself out of this situation. The main problem is that I don't want to get out of it, I just want him :( I've even tried dating other people and no one compares.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

View related questions: move on, my ex, trapped

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A female reader, CMoon United Kingdom +, writes (14 May 2018):

In addition to what I said earlier - take some time out from guys. You've been single officially but you have still been having an on off relationship with this man. Break ties, start a new hobby and discover yourself. Someone will turn up out of the blue and if you've stepped away from this man you'll be able to feel like you can enjoy time with someone new.

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A female reader, CMoon United Kingdom +, writes (14 May 2018):

You've been single for two years... Surely your ex wouldn't have a problem with you dating his friend?

Besides this, if the guy you have feelings for doesn't want a relationship and you have feelings for him then you have to stop sleeping with him and stop having contact with him. Explain to him that you have feelings for him and seeing as he doesn't want a relationship right now, you need to cut ties for you to get over him.

I feel that he is making excuses as to why you can't have a relationship with this thing about your ex being his friend... You say he doesn't talk to him much. As I say, it's been two years since you split. If he wanted to be with you, he would make the move in talking to your ex and trying to start a relationship with you. It just sounds to me like he knows you like him so he's taking advantage of the situation.

Just my opinion but that's how it seems to me. I do think you need to break ties.

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