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How can I stop my trust issues from a past breakup from ending my new relationship?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2016) 2 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I had a really bad break up with my ex, and I'm worried the damage it caused me will end in me sabotaging my new relationship.

The relationship ended by my then boyfriend of 6 years bringing home a girl he managed at work. I found them curled up together on the sofa in our flat in the morning. This was the day before I started an important new job. 2 weeks later she was pregnant.

We weren't happy anymore and both knew the relationship was coming to the end, but the way he decided to end it, the level of disrespect he showed me and the life we'd built together, was a huge blow. I had never in a million years thought that he would cheat or behave in that way.

For the most part I'm now over it, I built a new life for myself and understand (but certainly don't agree with!) why he ended up doing what he did. Our mutual friends tell me he deeply regrets the way he handled things.

My ex and his work colleague are still together now and the baby they conceived 2 weeks after our break up is nearly a year old.

I've grown hugely as a person since then and managed to handle the whole thing with dignity. I've been in a happy relationship for nearly 18 months now with a guy who I'm much more compatible with and treats me with respect.

However, I've noticed the damage done by my last relationship is seeping into this one. I have serious trust issues.

My mind paints a picture of my current boyfriend cheating on me in horrific and public ways. He's never given me any reason not to trust him, but he has attractive female friends and works in an office filled with women.

I'm worried that my suspicions of him and the subsequent discussions we have (I wouldn't call them fights - I tell him I'm feeling insecure and explain that my last breakup created these trust issues) will lead to me sabotaging the relationship.

Or worse still, pushing him away and into the arms of another woman. What can I do to work through this? I would have thought that time would have healed the scars the last relationship left but it seems they're not going anywhere.

View related questions: at work, conceive, insecure, my ex

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (3 August 2016):

N91 agony auntI think you need to communicate with your boyfriend, tell him that you don't think he's up to no good, but let him know what your previous relationship has done to you and how it makes you think. Hopefully this will give him an insight into how you're feeling and that he can understand better.

I think it may be worth looking into some sort of councilling so that you can work towards getting over these issues if you don't think you'll be able to do it on your own and it also shows your boyfriend that you're doing all you can to get past the problems that you're facing.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are right, you will push him away if you question him and struggle to trust him. You said it yourself you and your ex where not in a good place, but you and your current boyfriend are. I see with people who have trust issues that they will push someone to there limit and then lose them, and it's not until they lose them that they realise what they had and then they are better in the next relationship.

I understand why you have issues I really do, but he has done nothing wrong. You cannot let what your ex done to you effect your life now or you will end up being unhappy. It is good you have recognised that there are trust issues before it is to late. If you find you are not coping them maybe you could try therapy and find a way that works for you. I also was cheated in the past, he also got another girl pregnant when he was with me, I didn't handle it with dignity, I kept going back, I was young and silly, but now am engaged to a man that I trust with my life, I know he would never do that to me, and I know that he is nothing like my ex was, they are very different. You just need to let yourself be happy

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