A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I had a friend who I used to be close to some years back.I used to babysit her children when she was in hospital free of charge and generally be helpful.As the years passed the friendship changed.I moved to a more distant area and she rarely contacted me and likewise we didnt socialise in the same places etc.One day she phoned me up out of the blue asking if i would like her daughter to stop over at my house with my daughter but I turned her down as it was just prior to exam time and my daughter needed to study!Later I found that my friend had been evicted from her home and her household scattered due to non payment of rent and conflict with a neighbour.However, later she changed the story, telling people that I was the cause of her losing her home, which beggars belief as she basically ignored me since we moved areas and I was totally uninvolved in her life.How she managed to make it sound convincing I dont know but I have had at least two close male friends turn against me on her account and although I may never be able to stop her false rumours I have never really lost my rag with her yet!What can I do?I am capable of anger, but I think she senses I wont use anger because I am still so sad that she lost the home that she needed so much and it brought so much turbulence to her family.These are things I can do nothing about but I would like her to stop spreading her false rumours because I cant afford to move away as I am too busy paying my rent just to keep a roof over my head!This is ongoing! It was only recently that my current partner threw her name in my face and accused me of making her lose her home!I asked him to leave my home because I would rather be friendless than caught between two frennemies!I can be happy alone, especially if there are no lasting false rumours messing me up and messing up my friendships with future people I may meet.I dont know how deep her friendship with my current partner is,, but I do know that her oldest son remarkably resembles him and he may be a secret father to the child.This doesnt bother me at all as I knew neither of them at this time,but I hate wasting my life on friendships that backfire in my face.Ideally I prefer to have friends who can bring something to the friendship table and if they cant then I am happier if they just drop spreading false rumours unless that is to be a feature of my life and all I can expect!The question is "how do I get them to fess up and tell the truth?"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2016): op to chirigirl,I think you got me wrong.I know you are still young and I realise that what I say is way beyond your experience of life.Believe me I dont need the drama.I need peacefulness.It just bugs me sometimes especially when its thrown in my face. I took comfort from the replies given by honeypie and wise owl who both made it clear that I cant do anything but see the people in a different light (who believed I was the root cause of her problems).I agree with wise owl that I need to widen my circle of friends and also I think I need to move away because she is a little unbalanced and all that festering hate directed at me troubles me a bit because I am not sure that she has selfcontrol. We were very close friends at one time but I think she is probably jealous because she lost her home and because I have been kind and helpful to her I have become an easy target.Perhaps she wants what I have but if she lived my life she would find it less impressive than her big imagination.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 At first I felt sorry for you having such strange people causing drama in your life. But then as the plot thickens, I think you're being just as bad as your friend and maybe had this coming. Sorry to say so, but you're leaving a lot out of the story, and I wonder if you're just on here to make us support you so you can continue on some vendetta towards your former friend.
Mature people do not start accusing their boyfriend of being a secret father to your childs friend! Even if you didn't accuse him to his face, you started saying these things about him in your post here to us. And to what purpose? If can only be because you want to drag him down into the mud with you.
If people exclude your from their lives based on a rumour and a lie, then good riddance. You do not need such people. And you can NEVER make someone "fess up and admit". You're not a torpedo, nor should you try to be one. If people lie you leave the be, you say good bye and cut your losses. You don't go on and on about it and fixate on it and have people in your life in constant drama over it.
It's strange that you managed to move away and not have any contact with this particular friend, yet all your other friends seem to have maintained excellent contact with her, even your current partner as you say. Some things just don't add up.
My advice to you is to drop this and leave it be. Don't bother with it any more. And if you honestly think your boyfriend is lying to you and has a secret child with your former friend, then end the relationship. Because there can be no relationship where there is no trust, and if you think so low of him then that shows where you stand. Also, it's clear that he has chosen loyalty to your former friend anyway.
Remove yourself from toxic drama, unless you want to become just like them yourself.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (21 December 2016):
 Well you must be a very patient person not to get angry, because she has lost her home. I would be angry. How does she justify that YOU were the cause of her losing her home? Why was it YOUR fault that she has not paid her rent and had conflict with her neighbours? She sounds like a very slippery individual she tried to trick you by the sounds of it into giving her and her daughter a home without telling you the truth. I personally would frighten her I would say that this is Defamation of character and if she carries on or does not retract her statements you will be contacting a lawyer (even of you don't, and I would not waste money on it really). It may just make her think. You could ask for free advice from the citizens advise bureau (in Uk). I would not put up with her spreading lies about me. I really would be hopping mad, but like Wiseowl said don't make a scene.Has she written anything about you on social media like facebook, if she has you have proof take a screen shot and save it. Like Honeypie says though you cant make her tell the truth and I agree she will slip up further down the line and show herself for the liar she really is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2016): People who know and truly care about you don't automatically believe the worst said about you. They defend you when they hear gossip or witness anyone bad-mouthing you. They'll come to you to hear your side. You normally don't have to do anything.
If they judge you on gossip, they are just spoiling to instigate conflict between you and the other person. They're spectators looking for a good fight. They'll sit back and watch you go at it.
Unless rumors and lies rise to the level of defamation of character, which has to be proven by solid evidence, you don't do anything. If a false statement doesn't cause you harm, cause severe damage to your reputation, and you can't prove it has been published. It isn't anything but gossip.
It just so happens you know who said it. Lies are told about you that you'll never know about. So you have to go about life all the same.
If you happen to run into the liar, suggest they wag a civil tongue; and if they have anything they'd like to spread about you, make sure it's backed by facts. Stay cool, dignified, and don't behave like low-level street-trash by making threats and causing a scene. That's low-life behavior.
Never have another thing to do with her, or the two gossip-girl male friends. They're not friends if they turn on you for hearsay; without even giving you the benefit of the doubt. Chances are, they don't like you anyway.
Clean house! Throw-out the garbage, and make new friends.
Don't perpetuate the drama with tit for tat, and getting caught-up in personal-feuds. It's all childish; and a waste of time and energy.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 December 2016):
 She is a sad screwed up individual who is lying about what these terrible things you have allegedly done to her to get sympathy because she obviously thrives on attention.
People WILL eventually see through her because she will need another fix of sympathy once the current wave fades, so she will have to make up more lies.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 December 2016):
 You don't.
AS much as it sucks when people are telling lies and rumor about you, you can't "MAKE" them do or say anything.
My guess is she used YOU as the "bad guy" in her little story because 1. you had moved away and 2. to garner sympathy with people. 3. She knows you won't or can't do anything about it.
What you could consider is either A. find a mediator (neutral 3rd person and set up a meeting and simply confront her. B. Send her a letter and demand an explanation for this vicious rumor you keep hearing coming from her.
Neither of these might work, but it IS something to consider.
And lastly the route I would take. EVERY TIME ANYONE brings it up, why not say:" I keep hearing that ridiculous rumor and I just can't understand why she is saying that about me, how on Earth was I supposed to have gotten her kicked out when I lived miles and miles away?"
I don't understand why you didn't just say that to your former partner. And THEN kicked him out.
SHE LOST her home because of HER behavior and/or non-payments. THAT is on her. She doesn't WANT to take responsibility for it and that is why she concocted this story.
The people who rather JUST believe her are NOT your friend, and they never were. If there were your friends they would have asked what is going on with this story and listen to your side. People who believe her WILD lies are either really stupid or not using their brains at all.
I think eventually she will get herself in trouble again over something else and use YOU or another person as her scapegoat and people WILL notice. If this is a pattern with her she will do it again and again and end up alienating people with her lies.
Don't let her SICK little mind hold you back from living your life. Make friends who are WORTH a darned, do things you enjoy and IF/WHEN you run into people who have heard the rumor and who made it up... tell them you have no idea where those rumors came from etc. Beg the question HOW were you supposed to have done these things to her.. LET the people think for themselves and if they have an ounce of a brain they will see that the rumor simply doesn't add up.
DO NOT give her or her rumor/lies that much power.
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