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How can I stop being mad at my parents ?

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 16 August 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

This is a family question not so much a love question. My cousin who I consider to be a sister has fallen ill and is here in this country by herself - her parents abandoned her - I have been named the guardian under hospital records and I have taken the sole responsibility financially and physically . I live in one of my mothers houses to help during this situation. Since my cousin has fallen ill I have been doing this by myself - my mother mocks me for throwing away money at people that are irrelevant to her - will almost throw backhanded compliments and never help out ( she has money in the bank and will never aid . For example my car is breaking down and she drives two new cars - I can’t financially afford anything with the situation I am in and she said u should be able to take out another loan can’t you? This woman is so evil I dotn understand I’m drowning and trying to save someoene else and here is someone that is supposed to be my mother doing this ... how can I get over this ? She has a loveless marriage to my father who is the same as her ... they scream at the top of their lungs and fight over money .. they own four properties two cars ... I can’t afford to breathe and they don’t care ... it saddens me - how can I get over these useless people .. I say this Bevause even if I saw a stranger going through the pain my cousin is in I would help... this is an off situation I am since I am staying in one of their properties and I have to see them all the time .. they barge in .. say what they want .. I don’t know what to feel so I can move forward and work until she is well.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (16 August 2018):

Tisha-1 agony auntCindyCares’ answer was brilliant!

What does your “cousin” have?

Why would you accept a financial responsibility you cannot meet?

Why can’t your cousin arrange her own medical care?

Please follow up. I see you post often but rarely do you take the time to respond.

Thanks.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 August 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt Uhm.. maybe you could try growing up a bit and reason like the adult that you are, and who is supposed to take responsibilities for all her choices, even those resulting less successful- without always waiting for and counting on parents to bail you out ?

Being generous is a wonderful thing - when you can afford it. If you cannot, you may do more harm tham good. Like, in my country, but, I suppose, in most countries, when you adopt a child you have to prove that you have a certain more than sufficient , steady income which can be reasonally assumed to keep coming into your pockets for the future too. That may sound too restrictive,... because what should count is your capability to give love to these kids, right ? Not really. The adoption services want to be as sure as it's humanly possible that you didn't bite more than you can chew, because if you take a kid out of an orphanage or institution and then, due to poor planning and weak financies, you can't keep him / her with you and you have to give him back to the " system ", it's much worse than if you had never taken him out to begin with.

So : you, for whatever reason of yours, good or less good it does not matter, as of now live hand to mouth, have no house, no savings, no car- and take upon yourself to take care of your cousin's medical bill and day-to-day needs ? !

What happens if (… but it seems it's a " when " ) you won't be able to do it anymore ? why did you take upon yourself such a responsibility ,which obviously you can't fulfill without demanding ! the help of 3rd parties , like your parents ?

I am not heartless and I am sorry about your cousin. But if she is really totally destitute and derelict , she should have gone back to her country or wherever she has CLOSE family. It does not matter if her family " abandoned " her- there are laws , at least in European countries, who compel an indigent's next of kin to intervene ( as long as they are not indigent too ).

Or, you could have helped her resorting to the State, the Government, the Social Services, her Church, private charities… anything really, but intervening on your own when you can't even make it on your own.

So what if your parents don't want to help ? Do you want to chose for them their objects of charity ? Maybe they are not close to your cousin, or don't share your good opinion of her, or think that there are other persons / organizations more qualified to help her out.

For all you know your parents may be giving thousands already to other charities or causes, without your knowing. Or, for all you know, they may be holding tight to all their money in view of their old age ; it does not sound as you'd have the means , nor the desire, to help THEM out in case old age and illness take a toll on their finances in future..

Regardless of why and how they spend their money, basically it's no skin off your nose. You are over 30, you have got a job, an education ( paid for by your parents, I suppose ), you have all the tools not only to get by but even to be successful in life; this ,if you don't make impulsive choices that may be well meaning , but that you really have no business doing if then you demand that they are founded by other people.

I think that very seldom a parent WANTS to see their kid struggle , unless they are irredeemable psuchopaths, but I think most parents want to see their kids act sensible, and realize that there are consequences when they don't. You are not starving, your utilies have not been cut off, you have a roof on your head. The basics are being taken care off, you won't have to go begging in the streets. Good- other than that-try a little adulting, before and rather than blaming your parents ! You need a new car ? I see it like your mom ; you can take out a loan, or do without, there are tons of people who survive and thrive without a car. That your mother has two cars , or ten cars, it does not matter; she does not °owe° you a car. Your life is not endangered by the lack of a car, only made a bit more uncomfortable.And mom does not have to jump through hoops so that her 35 y.o. little girl never experiences any discomfort.

Plus, mom ,and dad ARE already helping you financially. Big time. You live rent free in their house , and don't pay bills either, I suppose- That's a massive help ! And a massive amoint of money which they do not put into their pockets, because if you weren't there they could rent or sell the property. But apparently you do not think much of that ? " They do it because they want control " - so be it- so what . Suppose she is doing it because she is Cinderella's evil stepmother ; it's still quite a good amount of money that they let you save, and that they do not get into their pockets. Which de facto means that they ARE, indirectly, also helping your cousin, even if less than you'd wish. If you had to pay rent and bills you'd have even less money to play Good Samaritan with,ever thought about that ?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 August 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are in your thirties and living in a home provided by your parents rent free. Do you pay the bills? For most people they would consider that a massive help from their parents. You should be grateful they have provided you with a roof over your head. If you are so annoyed with them then go seek your own accommodation and you won't need to deal with them.

Now as for your cousin I am sorry she is in this situation and I hope she makes a speedy recovery. I am not sure why her parents have abandoned her or that your parents don't care, but I am sure they are not forcing you to pay the bills. You seem to have done that from your own accord and now you are annoyed your parents won't help out. It is there money and there choice. You have taken on this responsibility yourself so I am afraid you need to take care off it yourself as an adult. Contact citizens advice to see how you can get help with the bills.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2018):

I see you are in the USA.Go to the social security office and apply to be your cousins caretaker and get paid by them weekly.Someone I know did that and got 350.00 a week.Also apply for disability for your cousin. Then go get some low income housing under your cousins name so you can have cheap rent and move out of your mother's home.Get your cousin a social worker thru the state and they can get you even more benefits.Go on food stamps visit food banks.If you are so broke I bet you can also get free health insurance for yourself also under the affordable Care act.You will be fine just start applying for the benefits you and your cousin are entitled to.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2018):

I am the original poster - who posted the question to the two people above

My cousin is in critical condition and my parents don’t care that she is in that condition- why should I have to pay ? I dotn care .. actually my parents have never cared about anyone in my life as long as they have had their pockets full and I looked okay on the outside - was pretty - and doing what they wanted ... they have been emotionally neglecting - the person in the hospital now is the one that saved me from drugs and everything

My mother is a greedy woman who yes let’s me stay in her condo for free since I am paying all these hospitals bills but mocks me and doesn’t seem to care about my struggles - I came here to ask about how I can get over the anger of a parent being neglectful and greedy - and only caring about themselves . This woman hasn’t cared abot what I have done my whole life as long as her pretend world looks good on the outside and doesn’t seem to care about the ppl I love

I’m sorry but if I had the means and I see someoen I love is struggling I would help out - she refuses to and never pays attention to anyjtinf .. the only reason she lets me stay is because she can have contol

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2018):

Why did you take-on a responsibility that you couldn't afford? If you are staying at one of the properties your parents own, rent free(?); that's their contribution. If you are staying in one of their properties, they aren't barging-in. Landlords can enter their property anytime they please, it's a courtesy to notify you first. Call them and let them know when you are busy and indisposed; and can't have company.

You don't have the right to change the locks or make any structural changes; they could sue you, or evict you. If they hate you so much; why do they bother visiting you?

Without hearing both-sides, your story makes no sense.

Once we are adults, our parents have no financial responsibility or any obligation to take care of us. Sounds cold, but any thing they offer is a gift. They don't have to support us; they did that while we were kids. Once they are old, we're supposed to care for them. Apparently, they know that's not likely. I suspect they would help; if they saw you were in a life or death situation. You feel you can take-on caring for your cousin; so I would think things must not be so bad.

Now that they're growing older; they are appreciating their investments and retirement. That's what aging-parents do. That's why they prepared for their future. It's up to you to do the same.

They are not responsible for choices you make that become a burden to you. They are not bad parents; because they don't give you their money. I'm going to speculate, and wonder if your parents haven't been pushing you all these years to make better decisions? Whether they have been advising you on how to invest; in order to build-up your own financial-security? Maybe you failed to listen to them? Now your problems are their fault? When they pass-on, it is likely you may inherit all of it, if you have no siblings.

You can't afford to take financial-responsibility for your cousin; but you can assist and care for her. You may need to help her apply for social services and assistance. You can still give her your support, visit her daily, and give her assistance getting around during her recovery.

Your cousin should have her own means of financial-support and health-insurance. It appears she's not prepared either. Why did her parents abandon her? How old is she? If around your age, that's not abandonment. I guess you mean they refuse to financially-support your cousin?

One could argue these are complaints from an estranged-daughter; who was a difficult child to raise, and usually didn't agree with or obey her parents. We're getting only one-side of this story. If they really hated you, I would think they'd have nothing to do with you; and certainly wouldn't allow you to stay in one of their properties.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (11 August 2018):

You say you are staying in one of your parent’s properties. Are you paying rent? If you are then you are a tenant and they have no right to break in on you unannounced. Change the locks. If you’re staying rent free then you are a guest in one of their homes and you have no cause to say your parents aren’t helping you.

But either way you chose to take the responsibility for your cousin. I have no idea how close a cousin this is and it is commendable but It is your choice.

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