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How can I stop being jealous of his sexual past?

Tagged as: Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 January 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 February 2008)
A age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Ok, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He wasn't a virgin and I knew it. It was a nice first time, way better than I expected.

However, I always grew up with this fantasy of losing it with anoter virgin. I thought it'd make things more special, giving something so special to each other and having this bond of remembering each other as our "firsts".

His first GF was a bit older than him, so I figured maybe she wasn't a virgin when he lost it. But she was. And he had told me he was very inexperienced, so maybe he had never got oral sex from her. But he did. They did I think everything I have done with him. And I'm guessing I feel second best or something. Like every exciting first experience I had with him was old news to him.

Plus, they lost it when they were camping at the beach. I just lost it in his bedroom. Somehowe I feel less special. They only dated for 3 months! We've been together for way more time, and I feel less special. I knos this is irrational, so how can I feel less jealous and all that? He's tried to reassure me, but maybe he's lying to make me feel better.

I just want these thoughts to stop haunting me. What can I do?

View related questions: jealous, lost my virginity, oral sex, sexual past

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A female reader, bby-ov-dale  +, writes (11 February 2008):

bby-ov-dale agony aunti agree i've been in that position my bf lost his at 12 with an 18 year old i felt second best too he tells me im better because he loves me does that make it better i wonder well i agree with you anyway


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A male reader, chlez83 Zambia +, writes (4 January 2008):

I get the same feeling as well about my girl but i think the problem you have is that you have always had this fantasy about losing it to another virgin.Forget his past and enjoy him for as long as you can.Besides you have the whole future ahead of you,so what's his past if you can think of the future.You know it really doesn't matter whether he's done most of the stuff you are doing.What matters is that he may be enjoying it more with you.

Relax and take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

Yes, I agree...most people have pasts. It sounds like you have been 'told' a lot about his sexual history. You seem to know a lot or maybe you are surmising alot of what they did together. Either way, what you do know about his past relationship, or think you know---you are having a heck of a time accepting that he had a prior sexual relationship with another female. You are experiencing jealousy, due to lack of worthiness and valuing yourself. It's a problem that 'you' need to work on...not him. I think that you recognize that your feelings are unreasonable but you likely feels incapable of controlling your jealousy? If so, stop doing that--it's destructive behavior and you will destroy this relationship, eventually. You have to learn to just allow this relationship to grow and develop, without thinking of what he did with her. Something has happened to you to make you vulnerable and untrusting. Only you know what that is. But I will state, that most often, an individual who is prone to jealousy may have problems with low self-esteem, fear of vulnerability, or fear of abandonment.

So how do you stop this. A lot of work, efforts and a total 'attitude' makeover. Firstly, tell yourself you will no longer think these self-defeating thoughts. That's destructive behavior. Do not ask him or even talk about his past relationship. Secondly, when you get these jealous, haunting thoughts...think rationally. Focus on the loving, wonderful things your bf does for you, the loving words he says to you. Bite your tongue if you feel the urge to say anything about his past. Leave it there, in the past. Tell yourself to 'shut-up' and immediately become aware of the jealous thoughts. Work on improving your self-love. Love yourself, cherish who you are. Talk to yourself in a positive, happy way...learn to believe in you, your talents, your goodness and appreciate yourself more.

If you find you cannot rid yourself of these thoughts, never be embarrassed or ashamed to see out help from a professional therapist. You family doctor will have more information on this and how to begin this process. I also recommend, you take a confidence/self-esteem course if you can. Check into that within your community.

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A female reader, MeowMix86 United States +, writes (3 January 2008):

MeowMix86 agony auntI completely understand and these thoughts are not irrational by any means. In fact, I used (and somtimes still do) have the same thoughts about my current boyfriend and his past. Although I was not a virgin, and neither was he, when we first had sex,he was with his previous gf for three years before he was with me and even asked her to marry him! After college, she moved back to her home country and after a year long distance relationship, they finally broke up. He and I have been dating for almost a year now But I still somtimes feel jealous that he proposed to her. Like that isn't as special to him because he's been there done that.

He told me many things about their relationship (like how he and her had sex in a field at night once) and I felt less special. I felt like I couldn't compare...Like he was already used up so to speak by someone else's love.

The truth is, your boyfriend is not comparing you to his ex and is not even thinking about her when hes with you...Boys don't think about sex in the same way women do. While women have an emotional attachment, men don't always. Think about it, if a man cheated on a woman, she would be worried more about the emotional attachment he might have for her rather than the actual deed. Men are opposite. I'm sure you mean more to him than she, if you have been with him longer and he thinks of her as no more than a "practice girl" you have his heart.

Its completely understandable that these thoughts would "haunt you"...because they haunted me too. But know this, it doesn't matter what he did with another girl in the past, even if she was his first. Because life isn't like the movies...its not as romantic as it's showed. Hell, my first time was akward and I don't remember much...and even my boyfriend doesn't remember his at all!

I know what it's like to be jealous of the past but you must get over it because you are only torturing yourself. You have to find what is special about your relationship and realize that the past is the past. It doesn't matter and it cannot, no matter how you feel, be changed.

I don't think he would lie to you about something like that...judging by what you said, you already know alot about his past and if he was willing to talk to you about it, that is a BIG SIGN that not only is she ancient history, but that he trusts you and loves you! Its all about you, girl!!!! So give it time. Try not to think about it (although its hard) and when you do, realize that you are the one in his arms now...she isn't even a shadow in his mind.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008):

This is completely understandable. I mean, who wouldn't be jealous? But think of it this way.

Everybody comes with a past. There's no way you're going to find somebody that hasn't had a relationship with another person in the past. Handling it is bound to be hard, but as you get older, it'll probably be more frequent that you'll find guys you're with have already had sex.

First times are usually seen as special, and they are, but it can be just as important to have good sex, as well as sex for the first time. Show him how good you can be, and now you've got a bit more experience, you can improve. He's more likely to remember the best sex he's ever had, than the first time he had sex.

They've finished now, and he's with you. He has feelings for you, and not for her. They're over, and aren't going to get back together. You've got to remember this.

In a way, it's like breaking up. Wear you're sexiest underwear, treat yourself, have a face pack. Make yourself feel sexy on the inside, as well as the outside. Prove to yourself (and maybe even to his ex gf, if you know her) that you are his girlfriend, you are the one he loves, and you are his sexy girl, that gives him exactly what he needs.

There's more to life than his first time, honestly!

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