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How can I reduce my sexual desire?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 July 2007) 21 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2011)
A male Iran - Islamic Republic of age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi

I do not have as many time sex as I desire with my spouse, and I do not like to be disloyal to her. Would you please advise me on how to reduce my sex desire? Thanks

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A female reader, truckermom  United States +, writes (17 August 2011):

truckermom  agony auntI am a woman with a high sex drive. And I love sex but my husband does not like it as often as I do so I too was looking for sex appetite suppressant.... any answers let me know

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010):

As well as incompatability with ones spouse, another reason for wanting to reduce sexual drive is age. Once a man gets to a certain age the sight of beautiful young women (in increasing immodest dress) brings about feelings of great sadness, and as one sees ones wife age and become less alluring, the natural urges no longer sit well with ones self esteem. Even when I was 25 I knew the day would come when I would want "out", and now that I am in my 40's and well past it, I just want the flame of desire to be extinguished for good. I dont even want to look at beautiful women "that" way anymore. As another reader said, fasting reduces the desire, because it disciplines the soul. I have been meaning to read Imam Ghazali's (Great Sufi Saint) book on this subject.

My advice is don't look for chemical/surgical solutions - it's about what's in the mind and heart, though these are the hardest things to tame.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010):

I was looking into this as well - seems like someone could start a business for a late night infomercial, we should all be up at that hour anyway contemplating our situation. In my case it's been an ongoing battle for almost 30 years. I've looked for solutions before. Here are some solutions to avoid and some that may help.

Not Death: What worked temporarily was a near death experience I had in 1997, my wife thought I was going to die, and our intimacy was wonderful during my recovery when I was on short term disability (I did not die by the way, if you hadn't guessed already). That lasted 2 to 3 months, then things went back to the way they were. So don't try death, because if you don't die the results may only be temporary. I've seen this happen before as well.

No Affair: I tried to recommend counseling, but then that became my problem, so we didn't do that. Eventually I ended up having affair, with a woman who loved sex, but I could not leave my family so other woman ended up with another man pretty fast (go figure) and I stayed in marriage and during our marital recovery we had a wonderful, intimate relationship for 18 months, then over time things went back to the way they always have been. Affair makes things much worse, so I do not recommend that ever. Not a good solution.

Not Divorce: I don't even recommend divorce, for moral reasons of course but also most stories I hear is that many individuals end up in a worse situation than they find themselves currently, and they end up hurting many others along the way as well, like the innocent kids.

Focus: One thing is to focus on your wife and not yourself. I found out long ago my wife loves 2 things, back rubs and sleep. So I try to rub her back almost every night, I don't push myself on her or use back rub as a technique to gain intimacy (sex or non-sexual affection). She also needs or at least desires lots of sleep, so I let her sleep; she's a stay at home mom so schedule is pretty flexible. She falls asleep fast and I stay awake.

Sleeping pills: I've switched to sleeping pills so I could sleep with her, but often they don't work or they work too well and I can't wake in the morning. I will never have another affair, not a good idea, but sleeping pills to help if you remember to take them 30 minutes before bed.

Perspective: For the first 20 years of our marriage I just thought, and was taught by others and it was common in marriage seminars and tapes I heard that men had to curb their sexual desires in marriage and respect their wives and accept the fact that women really don't like sex. I was shocked when I realized there were some women who actually did like sex, but when those discussions came up often a reputable source would say they must have been abused as a child or have some sort of sexual dysfunction. So I'm not certain what the truth is on that score. It's not really the sex as much as the intimacy and affection; i'm a romantic and wife is more of a practical individual, which came in really handy in forgiving me and not ending the marriage. So perhaps look at the situation and gain perspective on it. Is it really sex you just want or the whole package - affection, attention, intimacy, closeness.

Cyprostat (chemical): Some man did post this on a website as his solution. It's a chemical that reduces sex drive in men - one article indicated it's basically what is in birth control meds, or part of that combination. He started taking it without his wife's knowledge at first and said it worked great, but there were odd side affects, one bad in that he was growing man boos, one good in that he was regrowing hair on his head. He said he didn't miss sexual desire at all and was no longer depressed. Cyprostat (or Cyproterone acetate) is used in the treatment of prostate cancer. It works by preventing testosterone from binding to androgen receptors in the prostate gland.

For what it's worth. My final input is that we make choices in life and have to live with them, and take on a mature attitude and (as I learned the hard way) stay true to our commitments regardless of anyone else's level of commitment in the relationship. I heard a married man say once, after his 8th marriage, he finally learned that he was never mentally committed to the marriage itself, but just to the wife until the wife didn't meet his needs any longer. Now since he was commited to the marriage, it didn't matter what the wife did or how she changed, he stayed commited to the marriage itself. Hope this is helpful.

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A male reader, OldGuy123141 United States +, writes (16 October 2010):

My case is that my wife has health issues which prevent us from intimacy. I wouldn't enjoy it if she was hurting. It doesn't look like the health issues will be resolved, so I look on for a solution.

I'm reading through the answers. Some shouldn't even be there. I appreciate the food/herb suggestions. I may try them. The psychology answers seem like baloney. When the need is there, reading a book or exercising just doesn't fulfill the need. It will just return later on. Just as when you are hungry or thirsty, you need to eat or drink. Taking my mind off the need doesn't last.

If I find the answer I'll try to post it.

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A male reader, Altaf Hussain Pakistan +, writes (11 October 2010):

To overpower your sexual desires you have to do practice of fasting as by eating less and with a long breaks. As there are two types of hunger one for food and second for sex so by reducing your eating by fasting you can surely also reduce your sexual desires. And I advised this in the light of one of the sayings of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessing be upon him) as he advised peopled to marry and one who can not afford should have to fast to overpower his sexual desires if he has too strong desires for that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009):

hi ur problem is very common. i don't think there is any solution to this problem if by this time u already got the solution then plz tell me. i feel there are 100 reasons for not doing for a women and a man has zero reasons for not doing. its the problem of her attitude. i agree if u go to somebody else for fulfilling ur desire ur conscious may not allow u to do so. then whats the solution? what i understood is divert ur mind somewhere else. make ur own time schedules, do some yoga, exercises. don't think of taking any medicine. create hobbies, do some social work, go to the jim, play some game if u can get some time for that. discuss with ur wife just once only, if she doesn't understand just forget it. try to make urself happy by doing whatever u like. this may be one soln other soln u already know. just forget everything and do whatever u like. atlast remember our mind should not create problem for us. why u want to give ur mind's control to somebody else. be a master and solve the problem the way u feel is the correct way. All the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009):

hi ur problem is very common. i don't think there is any solution to this problem if by this time u already got the solution then plz tell me. i feel there are 100 reasons for not doing for a women and a man has zero reasons for not doing. its the problem of her attitude. i agree if u go to somebody else for fulfilling ur desire ur conscious may not allow u to do so. then whats the solution? what i understood is divert ur mind somewhere else. make ur own time schedules, do some yoga, exercises. don't think of taking any medicine. create hobbies, do some social work, go to the jim, play some game if u can get some time for that. discuss with ur wife just once only, if she doesn't understand just forget it. try to make urself happy by doing whatever u like. this may be one soln other soln u already know. just forget everything and do whatever u like. atlast remember our mind should not create problem for us. why u want to give ur mind's control to somebody else. be a master and solve the problem the way u feel is the correct way. All the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009):

I am very disappointed by all the female answers to this question. They assume that she is genuinely a good person and that given he treats her right, their sex life will improve. I have counseled a male person that was looking for the same treatment. He loves his wife very much, but she is having hard times having sex with him. Whenever she does, he feels how tormented she is and how difficult for her it is to make love. He is switching desperately between agonizing nights when his unfulfilled sexual desire haunts him and deep guilt feelings of having sex with his wife when she consents to. She lays there like a martyr waiting for me to finish, he told me. He was desperate and I’ve seen tears in his eyes. His sexual desire is very normal, 8-9 times a month. He really loves her and in this case divorce is not an option for him. He was asking me for medical treatment that will decrease his sexual desire. I am not a doctor or a counselor, just a friend of his with some expertise in relationships. I am looking for a medical answer to his problem and cannot find any. It seems that we are a Viagra culture too obsessed with increasing sexual desire and sexualizing relationships and if there are people looking for opposite, this looks abnormal to us. If someone knows about an anti-Viagra like drug, please let us know.

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A male reader, CSRealist United States +, writes (24 March 2009):

I was searching for something else when I saw this question.

My answer to this question: If I were you I would leave her. Why the hell should you take medication, or have surgery, altering your body's chemistry to fulfil your end of the bargain, all the while your wife isn't upholding hers?

The reason she probably doesn't have sex much any more is because she had her fill of sex when she was in her teens and 20's. She probably gave the best fellatio, and maybe the best cunnilingus, when she went to school and her idea of marriage is to settle down and have no more sex. She probably did all types of nasty acts in her past and the quarts of semen she's ingested probably contributes to her weight gain now.

Then, when her looks fade, she has financial and other problems, or just wants to "settle down"[read: have kids then die], she goes back to the poor sucker who she'd never give the time of day to during her "wild oats" period and trick the poor bastard into marriage knowing the guy was never "cool enough" to mess with back then but knowing all along his type was the type to develop a successful career.

Leave her! Divorce her under the condition that she's not fulfilling her end of the marriage (it's legal. look it up) and take half of her shit. Do it before you slip up and get caught cheating and the world will hate you for cheating on her because if you're not aware of it by now, the world doesn't sympathize with your situation, only her well being. As a matter of fact, the world will scorn you if you are unfaithful and only pity you if you're faithful.

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A male reader, Mark_desilva30 India +, writes (15 December 2008):

Hi,

its really interesting tht only few replies to the universal problem. I think tht in more than 80% males the problem happens, as the wives are busy looking after family, kids etc and getting tired and may not have tht desires which may be choking the spouses and looking for the alternatives. However, there should not be external solutions to b looked for like medicines or masturbations.

It can b solved by channelising the sexual energies into higher levels by doing meditation and observing self control

The juice of the leaves of the Bael(Bel, Stone apple, Bengal quince, Wood apple ) will help for reducing the urge

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2008):

For the person who replied to this poster and suggested that he should consult his Doctor, well, I once asked a Pharmacist to recommend a pill that could reduce the passion, but the Pharmacist went on to lecture me that medically it is a sign of health to feel sexual desire. So he didn't recommend any solution.

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A male reader, vijayanand India +, writes (29 March 2008):

hello my friend same is the case with me,

i am also searching for the answer to the same question

if i got an idea about this that is how can i totally reduce the sexual desire as my wife is not interesting very oftenly and told me to take some pills to reduce your sex

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008):

well i would say enjoy it while you can, age gets to us all but when ever aroused eat cabage, yes cabbage .This was the way of Romans

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007):

Hi, I have spent the last 3 hours on the internet trying to find out how to curb the male sex drive, as I have a rampant father whose sexual demands are greatly distressing my mother.

Some of the more sensible suggestions appear to be:

Liquorice Root

Vitex-Agnus Castus -otherwise known as Chaste Berry, Chaste Tree, Monk's pepper or wild pepper.

Evanesce - Appears to be a multi herb tablets used by transgender males

Bromide- Used by the army in during the first world war to curb the sexual desires of the soldiers

Hope this helps.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007):

I read all the other replies and I don't think any of them get it. This man is asking for information, and getting nothing. I don't have the answer either, but I am in a similar situation. Don't asume he is not doing enough to fire up his wife, don't asume anything. Listen up masturbation is ok for a while but it is'nt an answer, there is no substitute for another human being when it comes to sex. Middle aged men rarely have a sexual problem with their body. Its common as dirt however for a 35 to fourty year old woman to have had a "female trouble" surgery, and simply loose their sexual desire. Ive looked on the internet myself for seual suppressant drugs for men. They're all about stuff for sex offenders. Some of us guys out here just think it would be simpler and easier if we could get our penises to just lay down and leave us alone. To the guy who asked the question: I don't know the best answer, but youre not alone. It makes me feel better to know that too. Next time I go to my doctor Im going to discuss it with him. You should do the same, maybe there is something they can prescribe that will help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2007):

just wack off!simple

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A female reader, bemused Canada +, writes (8 July 2007):

bemused agony auntHi there.

This one is tricky. It would not be a great scenerio if you started to go elsewhere to get your needs met. It happens but you obviously have a conscience and care about your wife enough to want to think about an alternative to cheating. You do not give much info in your post. Are your needs above average and she cannot cope or could it be the guality of what you are getting may not be what you want.What strikes me is that you need to figure out what heat up her feelings for you and do it. I would simply ask. Sit back and really observe and look at the woman that you married...try to figure out what will bring her to you. I guess that is along the same lines as what some of the other posters have said here. Could it be that you may not have to think along the lines of reducing your sex drive if you could find a way for the two of you to be in sync....at least more than you are now. Hope this helps.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (7 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI respect dixiegirl's opinion. She's even in my list of friends because I very much like what she writes. Hers is a perfectly valid point of view. If the sex drives don't match, well, let's solve the problem in a way that doesn't involve cheating. As she says, the poster will know what is best to him.

However, suppose there's a problem in the relationship and the wife is withdrawning sex. Would it help if she found out he is pleasing himself? Or, suppose she is unaware he needs sex more often. It will all depend on how his wife could react to the masturbation, I guess.

Maybe the poster should take dixiegirls' opinion and mine, and put them together: please yourself if your wife is fine with that; don't, if she doesn't.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (7 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI have some advice for the poster of the question. I don't think it's a good idea to "please yourself". This is something I learned here, as an agony aunt, from the ladies. If she should get to know you're "pleasing yourself", that would create a lot of problems. She would feel offended because she would wonder why you would prefer yourself to being with her.

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A female reader, YummyMummy United Kingdom +, writes (7 July 2007):

YummyMummy agony auntI agree with danielpew- I don't think you can reduce your desire. All you can do is try and take your mind off it. Go for a long walk or something. Or read a book.

xxxxxxx

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (7 July 2007):

Danielepew agony auntI say, you can't. But you can adjust to what she will give you.

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