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How can I pretend to be a virgin when I marry?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 October 2008) 15 Answers - (Newest, 19 November 2011)
A female India age 30-35, anonymous writes:

i have done sex before marrige with my boyfriend and now i am getting married to some one else and scared of that he will come to know that i am not a virgin so how can i make him belive that i never had sex before can my vagina b as tight before?

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A male reader, aman23323 Pakistan +, writes (19 November 2011):

I love my girl friend a lot and still I love her and wished to marry her.But she told me that i have slept with someone else.

I tried my best to remove this thing from my mind but never i was able.

So this is not a good idea in this matter to be honest and tell truth to your hubby

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008):

prof_orr is a complete asshole. You need to be completely honest with your husband to be. It is his RIGHT to know all your past sexual experiences. Only he can decide then whether or not to go thru with the marriage.

If he is a decent kind of guy, then (like me) will decide, did you have a relationship with 1 guy and slept with him. That would be acceptable, or did you just sleep around with tons of guys and have a reputation (unacceptable).

Good Luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008):

Let me tell you something about 'pretending'.. Pretending is lying. Not only to others, but to yourself. Just last night no lie... last night my current boyfriend had his my space page open and i felt that i had the need to snoop thru his messages. Sure enough I found something. He sent a message to one of his past friend girls [friend with benefits] and the girl asked him has he found a new love. Which is supposed to be me. Then his response is "Not really, to tell you the truth I just pretend to be in love to get what I want. I don't believe in Love. IDK Y!!!" [i don't know why is what that means] so for me to have a real life experience with my significant other 'pretending' to love me... it really hurts. I thank GOD I have not given him my virginity because then I would feel like I've been spit on, used, and just overall nothing. I can still hold my own and I still hold my head up proud, because now, I know the TRUTH. If you have to keep ANYTHING from your husband/fiance, then where is your foundation? When will you begin to start building something REAL? Don't base ANYTHING off something fake. My boyfriend is fake for saying something like that, and I can't move on and marry him for him saying that. Your husband/fiance needs to hear that about you. Do not keep that from him. You will feel guilt, shame, and just overall bad. Don't make him regret you. Tell him, if he dislikes that, then so be it. God has a plan for you and all of us of who he wants to pair us with. Pray about it and please once again. Don't lie. Tell him you are not a virgin and just listen to his response.

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A male reader, prof_orr United States +, writes (12 October 2008):

prof_orr agony auntUntil you marry, you belong to no one and it is only your business to know if you have had sex before.

Don't tell him, there are some things that men just can't get out of their mind, so don't put it in his mind and if asked, say that it didn’t happened. There is no person on earth that can prove you wrong unless you have been pregnant.

I have been married two times and my first wife was a virgin. Her family could not accept me because of religious differenes so we separated after only a short time.

My second wife was not a virgin but I could tell no physical difference between the two.

Some women are born with no hymen, others are very thin and delicate and are torn simply by using a tampon.

This issue is only a problem if you make it one by telling him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008):

In India people regard chastity.It doesnot mean that no bleeding means not a virgin.Many atheletes,bicycle ridders and swimmers do not have hymen.In your case it is better to remain silent,pretend like virgin and extend your love and affection to hubby.If your ex is not revealing to ur hubby no problem. society pardons such sporadic cases owing to prevailed doble standards.one of my friend got married at age of 17 but disliked his wife, developed affair with other girl and eventually married.i aked him if ur 1st wife moves with other guy will u tolerate.He said i am a man.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008):

Gal that anonymous guy who asked you if you can live a lie is definitely right.But being from India I know the repercussions of calling off a marriage.If you do it you are going to be blasted by the society.If he calls it off you are going to be blasted by your parents and the society.What kind of a guy is your fiancee?Have you spoken with him?Are your parents a lil modern enuff to allow telephonic conversations with your fiancee?If you are going to come clean with the guy you are going to marry,chances are he'll call off the marriage.Before doing all this can you please discuss it with one of your parents who is most likely to lend an ear.I know our culture.So they can probably guide you much better than all of us.Please do give it a try(tslking to your parents)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008):

I suggest you be honest with him now before you get married. Yeah, you might get away pretending to be a virgin, no problem, in fact very easy. The use of tampons and certain sports and exercises could tare the hymen, but the TRUTH aways comes out. It might not happen now or soon, but in a couple of years from now when you are happily married with children he bumps into your ex lover and the truth comes out. WHAT THEN? Then he will really have difficulty in forgiving you.

What you want to do, by pretending is DECEITFUL. What happened to honesty, trust and respect.

Can you really start building a future and a marriage on such a flawed and false basis?

Vow, I do suggest you must think about this very carefully, but it might be better to be honest now and to deal with the emotions and the problems now, leaving it is delaying the agony. You will always live in FEAR, hoping the truth does not come out.

Can you live a lie?

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008):

No, it won't be like the first time. True, it will be more tight than if you were more sexual ... but the hymen is gone. Meaning you will not bleed again. You are either a virgin or you are not.. You are not! Just face it. Tell him before you marry him. Trust is the key!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008):

I am from India.So for all the people who are curious as to why she is so worried here goes.In India Virginity is vastly overrated.The guy can sleep with n number of people

(which can't be found out of course)but a girl is supposed to remain chaste.Its definitely double standards but thats the norm here.Lets say a girl has an affair with a guy before marriage and she is a virgin.He still wouldn't trust her or marry her coz he would believe that she was not virtuous enough to save it for her husband.Its ironic as to how somethings never change.By the way to answer your question you are not going for a confession to the priest.you are getting married.your past is your own.Forget it and Start a new life.if you are still worried There was an article in Femina or Woman's era about fake hymens.God bless.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008):

i dont agree with it but if your hymen was broken there is a sugery that repairs your hymen if you dont want that your hymen is broken when you use tampons or sometimes when you do sports such as horseback riding so just say it broke doing one of those i dont no about the tightening thing though

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A male reader, jx2ftm United States +, writes (3 October 2008):

You have to be perfectly honest with your partner. Please tell him. It will be the best. I would want to know if my girlfriend was really a virgin or not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008):

I think the more pressing question is why you are marrying someone you need to keep secrets from. That's an extremely bad start to any marriage, it shows a lack of respect and trust on your part. The fact is you have slept with someone else before. IT has become a part of your past. If you are honest with him, he may be upset and rightly so, if you kept something major from him. But, if he is upset and can't forgive you, I'm sure it is better for you if you know sooner rather than later.

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A female reader, Hopeful Romantic United States +, writes (3 October 2008):

Hopeful Romantic agony auntI do not agree with hiding the truth. But I have heard that one way you can keep your vagina tight is by exercising it. Basically, use your muscles on the inside (of your vagina) by squeezing & letting go, squeeze and let go over and over again & do this some each day. (I hope you understand what I am trying to say here - I do not know the technical terms to use.)

I have also heard that ones hymen can be broken if one uses tampons frequently. (I myself never bled my first time & many of my friends didn't either) so if he asks why you didn't bleed your first time together, you can say you have no idea why & name off the examples that I and others have stated (if you don't want to tell him the truth.) Good Luck to your marriage. XXX

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008):

Most believe that a virgin bleeds upon losing her virginity, but this is largely a myth. The hymen can be partially broken, and so bleeds can occur not only the first time someone has sex. Many women also break their hymen before their first sexual experience from riding bikes or horses etc. Also, fingering, without actual penetration by the penis, can also cause hymen breakage resulting in bleeds. What I'm getting at is that your husband will have no way of knowing whether you are a virgin or not. Because the common belief that women should bleed on their first time only is not at all close to the truth.

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A male reader, dontknowme United States +, writes (3 October 2008):

If he is a virgin and he claims that you're not tight enough to be a virgin, what would be his point of reference?

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