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male
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anonymous
writes:I'm a fairly independent guy in my mid twenties. There are two things I'd like your advice on:First, unless they are lesbians or a childhood friend, I don't have many female friends that stick around. Feelings develop and if I'm not interested in something more they take off. It's now a familiar cycle that I can see the sad end of when these friends start looking at me differently. I don't mean to reject them and most of the time I just pretend not to notice their advances. How can I avoid these burned bridges? How can I better manage these situations?Second, a friend of mine started down this path on a camping trip last week. In response to absolutely nothing exceptional on my part she would say: "you're so strong"; "you're amazing"; "you're so funny/clever"; "can I come along with you?"; "can I make you dinner?"; "my mom thinks you're great"; "my mom bought this cake for you so you can try it". My "friends" don't talk to me like this; it's a bit much. She's a smart, beautiful and accomplished girl but also a bit of a daddy's girl who sticks to the girly-girl script and how she's "useless" in situation x,y,z because so and so usually does it for her. I like my indepence. I don't want to look after her. My friends always tell me I'm way too picky and that I should just date around. I'm very hesistant to date just for fun if there's so much intensity on her side expecially if it seems her family is husband hunting for their daughther.Option A: Date for fun someone who doesn't appear to have any long-term potential because you never know.Option B: Let another "friendship" bomb invariably cutting ties with her social circle of friends that may or may not shoot me dirty looks because I didn't date their friend.Any advice on how I can better manage friends that want to be girlfriends when I like my independence?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou two were both such a great help. Thank you so much for your insights. It really cleared A LOT of things up and in retrospect, I think I was being way too hard on this girl.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Having a girlfriend doesn't mean you lose your independence. It means you have someone to hang out with, share special moments with and bond on a deep level with. You might also ponder this: many girls who go after friendships with guys are actually seeking more in the first place. It's plausible that you didn't notice their advances until later because they kept it toned down until they knew you better.It seems as though this girl is very interested in you. Having her family involved in her flirting is a bit much, I'll admit. But the only thing you really point out as annoying is that she gets help doing certain tasks that she doesn't know anything about. Tell me, who doesn't seek help for certain tasks because they feel "useless" without help? Are you not writing to ask for help with your girl issue?Instead of putting off the thought of having a girlfriend and losing your independence, consider dating a little, even casually. Although this girl might not be your type, you're likely to find someone you like a lot more. You can still maintain your identity and independence in a relationship. I'm a homebody, and my boyfriend is outdoorsy, but that doesn't stop either of us from doing our preferred activities while the other does theirs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Reminds me of the Harry and Sally Q, can women and men ever be friends..
Q: How can I avoid these burned bridges? How can I better manage these situations?
It's human nature, I don't think it can be avoided. If you spend time with someone, you enjoy their company (and they enjoy yours), physically attracted, and if both are single, and if both like the opposite gender, it makes sense to pursue it for more - seems logical doesn't it?
The only thing I can add is probably try to be upfront that you're not looking for more (BEFORE they start falling for you), that you're enjoying the single life but you enjoy the company of female friends (as a single chick, I'll completely get what you're saying). Don't hesitate or leave any "what ifs." At least for me this is a pretty basic Q to ask or be asked, "what are you looking for?"
That being said, if you're upfront about it, I'm not sure why they'd continue to pursue for more - maybe it's just the kind of women you hang with.
Q: Option B: Let another "friendship" bomb...
The reason you're having to cut off ties with everyone, etc must be because you're just not being upfront with what your intentions are...(sorry for the repetition) your post make it seems like you're seeing someone a few times a week or whatever, keeping in contact, "dating (i.e. doing things together, hanging out," and it seems like the chick is under the impression that you're in the initial phases of dating.
Q: Any advice on how I can better manage friends that want to be girlfriends when I like my independence?
First off, I would stop seeing chicks that you took on your camping trip. Re-read that paragraph you didn't mention 1 good thing about her, quite frank she seems like she just annoys you and if you never heard from her again, you'd not think twice of it (from the impression on your text).
You already have polar opposites, needy/desperate chick and independent/non-committal guy...stop going for the girly-girl, I cry if I break nail kind of friend..look for someone more down to earth and that has her own life going on.
I wouldn't be surprised when you meet that chick that you come back on here posting, how to get past the friend barrier, because she doesn't want to date you, only keep you in the friend zone, lol.
Q: First, unless they are lesbians or a childhood friend, I don't have many female friends that stick around...
If I was looking for a BF and I get that you only want it friends, you may be great company, etc - but I'd just see it as wasted time. I.E. Instead of chilling with you on a Saturday night, I can be on a date with someone with relationship potential and more then likely once I meet that guy and I'm in a relationship, I just don't have time for you. If you look at statistics, mid-20's is norm for chicks to start looking into settling down so if they're seeking LTR/BF a "guy friend" just isn't top priority..thus they don't stick around as you're a wasted investment or maybe they don't want to be around something they'll never have.
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