| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend has been horrible to me lately and I'm really upset that he doesn't feel bad for treating me the way he has.Last week he asked me to book a last minute holiday, I don't know why he couldn't do it himself but just text me his card details.No matter how many times I tried, his card wouldn't work, so he ended up calling me stupid. He got quite annoyed with me. Turned out that he had sent me the wrong card number but he didn't apologise for having a go.So I tried again. The dates he wanted were really expensive so I decided to book 6 nights instead of 7. I told him about it when he drove me to work but he got so angry that he ended up calling me a stupid useless selfish c***. I've never been talked to like that in my life and I went in to work crying my eyes out. I thought that I would find a text apologising but he just text me saying I had one job and couldn't do that right.I called him an abusive bully and all he can say is how dare I call him a bully. I don't want to see him any more but him not feeling guilty or saying sorry is upsetting me even more than what he said. I need some advice about how to handle this, he sent me a text this morning which woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. I feel really worthless because of what he called me. What can I say to make him realise how awful he's been?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): He is a abuser.When you do break up with him I hope you have a safety plan in place.Guys like him tend to flip out and really I do not think you will be safe.Call a women's shelter and get some help with this I fear you will really need it.You deserve better no matter what you think.Call that shelter as soon as you read this please.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 July 2019):
 Leave? Simple.
Who speaks to someone like that when they’re supposed to care and respect them? Sounds like a prick. He will learn that he can’t treat people that way if you leave and find someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 July 2019):
 Its time to dump him.
...............................
A
male
reader, stanliwise  +, writes (16 July 2019):
 I am sorry to say this but when people act like they don't care, it is safer to believe them than to assume it is something else. I don't intend you need a soothsayer or a writing on the wall to see that you're threading on a path with many thorns.
You may talk to him or try to leave and as a result, he may change his attitude. But for how long?
It is safer to assume he doesn't actually care
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Sorry, but you can't make him see, because he doesn't want to see since then he would have to act differently.Speaking as someone who lived with a bully for almost 15 years... you just can't make him realize, because, of course he knows better, but he's probably damaged somehow and uses you as his punching bag, figuratively speaking. Unless you stand up for yourself, he will continue to test your boundaries, to see how far he can go. My advice? LEAVE.I love him but stayed for so many wrong reasons. We had some good times, so I stayed because I was happy. We had so many bad times, I stayed hoping things would get better and because I would get depressed. As time went on I was worn so thin, I felt there was nothing left.My husband changed after over a decade of therapy. I think he's far more than sum of his parts. Having said that, I know that the best thing for me would have been if I had left. It's sad, but it's God's honest truth, some people are to afraid to say out loud because they believe it would make them seem bad. He thinks this too. Most bullies NEVER make this step. My husband was lucky, he got to deal with his demons and is making amends. But neither he nor I will ever get back the time we lost wrapped up in all the rage, injustice, pain...You cannot fix him. You cannot help him.His behavior is not your fault. You are not responsible for his moods and feelings.What he did was wrong. However, I noticed that he's the one paying for your vacation too and that you feel bad about it being so expensive - that's why you cut the stay short, maybe hoping that he'll see it as a good thing. You being careful of his money.Bullies mostly (subconsciously) choose partners for whom they believe to be somehow inferior. It makes them feel safe and in control. More often than not we're talking about differences in finances. Other things play an important role, like education, family background... but money remains the best weapon.If you stay in this game, you lose. The only way to win is to not play it and leave. Believe me, after so much time and energy I invested, I do not feel like a winner. I'm tired and relieved that after all things are getting better. I am not bitter and I do not belittle myself for having stayed. But I would never ever advise anyone to do the same.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (15 July 2019):
 I'm sorry OP but I doubt if he really cares how awful he's been to you. People change because THEY want to change not because WE want them to. Your partner doesn't care about you or your feelings he has proven that on more than one occasion. Don't expect him to change because you talk to him or show him how much it hurts you. He doesn't care sadly and the longer you continue to be with him I'm afraid the more abusive and belittling he will become.
The best course of action you can take it to end the relationship. Accept that he isn't going to treat you right and that you deserve better. I dont mean to scare you but please keep in mind that men that are abusive can become progressively worse with time where the emotional abuse becomes physical.
I wish you all the best. I'm sorry we can't give you the advice that you probably want to hear but having been in an abusive relationship myself a long time ago, I'm telling you what you NEED to hear.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): It's the OP here, thank you for the responses, they've helped a lot.Before I posted I tried finding similar questions online about the word c*** but a lot of people seem to think it's just another word. I hear it so much more frequently these days but it disgusts me. Nobody has ever actually said it to my face like that before. You are all right, I can't make him see anything, he's text again and he just doesn't care. He's still angry at me but I have no idea why. It's his birthday soon and every year he gets moody around this time, it's like he's having a mid life crisis. Thank you again, I'm disgusted by him, time to call it a day.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (15 July 2019):
 How do you make him see...? You leave him and dont take anymore of his crap or lame excuses even if he can acknowledge his disgusting attitude towards you. Calling you a cunt- really! There is just no excuse and that really is the pot calling the kettle black. He cant see the error of his ways now, then it's safe to say they will only escalate into ongoing abuse that will only drag you down further.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (15 July 2019):
 He is an abusive bully … you are correct. I can totally understand why you don't want to see him any more. Sadly he will not feel guilt or accept his behaviour and actions so best to just end it without expecting anything decent from him.
Block his number, block him on social media, if he has a key to your place then change the lock. Change passwords on everything too if you have shared these.
Don't be open to accepting him back, he will change his behaviour for a few weeks or months and then revert back to his true nature.
I wouldn't even bother telling him its over, it will just give him another opportunity to bully and berate you. Blocking him so he has no access to you will be a strong enough message without you having to say anything.
You can do this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2019): Do you know what? you don't need a man like that in your life he is a bully and that's not love. Hes telling you what to do while he does nothing then criticises what you done !!!Hes a bully, lazy and you want respectful loving relationship. He wakes you up hes inconsiderate of you and your feelings.Theyre are men who will treat you good and if you don't have one put him on the single shelf and give him the shock of his life !
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 July 2019):
 You aren't worthless, OP
And He is being an ass. How can you make him understand? I don't think you can.
He first heaped vocal vitriol on you when HE had made the mistake of giving you the wrong card number and then NEVER apologized, which means HE doesn't THINK he did anything wrong OR... he feels somehow JUSTIFIED to talk to you like that... RED BLOODY RED flag.
You then tried to be financially smart to nook 6 days instead of 7 and then he blew another gasket. Personally, I would have called or texted him first and let him know what the 7 days would cost and what they 6 days, so HE could be involved in the decision making, since he was paying. But I suppose that is hindsight.
What would I do? I would probably end up ending it. Because it shows how LITTLE respect he has for you and HOW little responsibility he takes for his words and actions. Things that will LIKELY not change.
IDGAF if he was stressed or whatnot... this is not a way to treat anyone.
So I'd say bye bye, I'm done.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2019): He will never realise how awful he's been. He is a verbally abusive. That will never change. Leave before he shreds all your self confidence.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (14 July 2019):
 In your shoes I would take a deep breath, cut him out of my life and walk away with my head held high. You don't NEED an apology, or even an acknowledgement of his bad behaviour, to move on. It is enough that YOU know it was out of order.
People will only treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. He should have booked his own stupid holiday. You are not his servant.
Block him on EVERYTHING, shake yourself down and move on. You are not what he chose to call you. Never allow anyone to talk to you like that again. You deserve better.
...............................
|
