A
female
age
26-29,
*k2016
writes:Hi Cupid, My boyfriend and i have been together for almost two years now and we have a great relationship we have had our ups and downs but we always work through them and we are confident we will be spending our lives together however we have stumbled accross mad family drama and i dont know how to deal with it anymore, in the beginning i had a great relationship with his family and importantly his sister, however this only lasted about 8 months until his sister decided she didnt like me anymore. my boyfriend is 21 she is 23 , they both still live at home, she is in school and unemployed most of the year doesnt pay for anything other then makeup and clothes (for her overflowing closet) , she thinks the world revolves around her because she has never had to do anything for herself. Her boyfriend is chinese and lives with his family across the street they have been together for 6 years? Or so and there isnt even a promise ring on her finger and he just got into med school so she is going to see even less of him then she already does and she will probably be at home until shes 30 and she sees nothing wrong with that, she also has a unhealthy obbssssion with one of her female cousins and her family, as well as her obbsession with her brother, i have only ever seen her hang out with her bf, her cousin, and her brother (my bf) i dont think she has any other friends (cause shes nuts) but and im pretty sure she has ocd and probably some other mental issues but thats beside the point anyways she feels like ive stolen her brother from her because im his first girlfriend, and we got serious pretty quick and she hasnt been able to adjust. Our first issue was the sleepover, the first time i slept over was because she had begged me to so that i could drive her to work in the morning.. (When we got along) After that my bf and i decided we wanted to have sleepovers more often so he started spending the night at my house here and there on weekends since his parents didnt approve as they are very old fashioned and didnt want me spending the night at his house in his bed, which i respected but my parents were okay with it so he was welcomed to my house, reminder we are both adults 20 years old, but his sister didnt like that he was spending the night at my house, she made a big fit about it, and got his mom on board to get mad at us for having sleepovers. They made his life hell, with low key shots, saying he doesnt care about them anymore and saying we dont respect his parents and all that non sense now it never stopped us from continuing our sleepovers because its something we both decided we wanted to be doing. Next miney, idk what they did with there money but they are in debt they are in their 60s and still havent paid off the morgage to the house they have been living in since they got married many many years ago.. His mom had a joint bank account with him and would take money from him without even asking almost every week because she couldnt make her paycheck last, i put a end to that and made him open a new bank account and she didnt like that. And the last major issue is a birthday party, it is my grandmothers 80th birthday, and my dads the same weekend in july now big family celebrations dont happen very often in my family so its a big deal when they do, it had been planned for months and months, and i always attend his family functions( an there are tons they celebrate everything) now without consulting him they have decided they were going to Go to the beach with the whole family extended and all and her friends for his moms 60th birthday (whos birthday isnt even until mid august) the same day since they didnt even ask andrew anything when they were planning it.. we found out through a facebook invitation... So now they are trying to guilt him into attending her party just because its his mom, and i dont think thats right, there is no reason he has to be there considering they didnt do anything special for him for his 21st birthday in june just back out on a trip to vegas that he had been looking forward too, cause money was tight.. But surprise now suddenly his mom is taking his sister to newyork for her 60th.. They treat the two of them so unfairly and it drives me nuts because my parents always treated my sister and i the same, what one got the other got there was no favourtisim but his parents missed the memo that they have two kids.. Their parents baby both of them, they are very old fashioned and raised them with strong gender roles, my boyfriend cant cook to save his life and would never have clean clothes without his mom, and his sister has never done any hard work a day in her life. Now this is only just barely scratching the surface of everything but They have raised the two of them with the notion that they will only have each-other in life and they need to be bestfriends, and dont get me wrong im all about family they are important but his sister wants to be too close with him it just comes off wrong and not right, she would go and nap in his room, and want to lay in his bed and watch movies together and she always has to be around him and always gets very touchy with him, she gets mad that he spends the majority of hisnfree time with me and she has started world war three now because she hates me because she says i am "brainwashing him" and that " i am ruining their family" "ive stole her brother" and because she hates me she has been in his ear tryin to sabotage our relationship (along with his parents because of her) he has distanced himself from them because our relationship is his priorty but they think i am the one trying ro get him to turn on his family, which i would never do, but he is too afraid to stick up for himself to his family so i always look like the bad guy, he has been trying to keep everyone happy because he knows how upset i get when his sister and his family try to be controlling and invasive and they get upset because they cant accept he is an adult amd can mKe his own choices but he doesnt want conflict at home and it has resulted in a huge mess .. We have tried to talk to them but they refuse to change because they dont think they are doing anything wrong, his mother and his sister have their heads so far up their ass its not even funny, she refuses to understand anyone elses point of view if they dont agree with her, they just want to blame me for everything anf its really starting to take a toll on me, and my bf, i dont know why they cant just accept our relationship ,his mom always has to text him and know what hes doing and gets mad if he doesnt answer or doesnt tell her something and then sill guilt trip him about it until he feels like he did something wrong; they constantly refer to when they were teenagers and i just dont know how to get it through their heads that we are dating in 2016, not the 60s things have changed dramatically since then, just because we like to spend most of our free time together (we still make time for friends, and alone time) enjoy having sleepovers, and dont include them in every single detail of our life, doesnt mean that we are disrespecting them or ruining their family, we are adults and they need to respect that we are going to do things our own way, we are indivduals we will hear their opinions and take them into consideration but at the end of the day its between my bf and i.How can i make them see that they need to let him grow up without making things worse.. I dont want his family to resent us but i dont know how to resolve this before its too late and we are married with kids who have a physco auntie and grandma because as of right now i wouldnt want them around my kids and that will be a whole new battle then that i dont want to put my bf through
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 OP someday you will grow up and regret the way you have spoke about your boyfriends family. Just because your parents have done such and such does not mean all families can, you sound stuck up and very immature. Someday you will have to live in the real world where you get no help from anyone and well you will see what the world is like, I hope you look back and realize you should never judge people, it is not a nice thing to do.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 You keep talking about your future family, but you have a lot of maturing to do before that, OP. You're spiteful and making nasty comments about your boyfriend's family - that's not okay.Just because your parents did x, y, z doesn't mean everyone can - stop comparing; it's not fair and you haven't been around long enough to have experienced enough to know what you're talking about. You're not an expert on these financial matters, so please stop acting like one because they may struggle with money management, but you are judgemental and that's a worse trait to have.Parenting is not straightforward, OP. We look at our parents and other parents, thinking about what we'd do differently, but you shouldn't judge their choices if they haven't been abusive. Do you know why it doesn't matter whether their mortgage hasn't been paid off yet? Because your parents paid it off sooner and his parents are still working on it, but both sets of parents have raised young adults who are acting like children. In that sense, they are both in the same boat.You can't marry into a family that you are so willing to judge harshly because it's (supposed to be) for life. It's not your family to alter to your standards. Even in your follow up, you're too busy slating them more to notice that it's not okay.If you and your boyfriend are that unhappy with it, move in together. Start being the adults you aspire to be and expect everyone else to be. Don't be hypocritical, though; you've got a lot of work to do on your attitude before you have a family of your own.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 July 2016):
I will answer your question very bluntly. There is nothing you can do about his parents to make this situation better.
And here are the reasons. It is his family, not yours. It is not your place to resolve any issues in their family. Every family is different and see things their own way, but that does not make them any more wrong or more right then yours. Your bf's family as their own right to be the way they want. Your bf has every capability as the next person to move out if he is unhappy.
I understand that you have noticed the many issue with your bf's sister and his mother. In all honesty I am on your side, and I would not like it as well. BUT, as you have said, you are an adult, which means you have to accept things because hey, people want to live however they want and they have the right to do that.
Here is the reality, you and your bf are very young. I am glad you both are aiming for the long run. Try to deal with things a little bit at a time. Your bf has a lot of growing up to do and he has a long way to go before he can overcome his parents. Unfortunately, he doesn't have much of a backbone and this is something you have to consider before you jump the gun on living together. Standing up for yourself is a minimum requirement.
On that note, you have to be mature enough to understand that you too have some growing up to do. A lot of guys in a relationship want to make everyone happy. Your bf isnt the first and he wont be the last guy to do that. It will be your ability as a partner to steer him in the right direction without forcing him to do things (and for the most part you have done a great job regarding this). You just need to see now that there just isn't anything you can do for his family. Your bf is a big part of the issue since he is unable to stand up for himself. Eventually (hopefully) the time will come for him to leave the nest physically, but most importantly, mentally.
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A
female
reader, Ak2016 +, writes (13 July 2016):
Ak2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want you all to be aware that nothing in my behaviour has changed in the time we have been together, i have been kind to them all throughout our entire relationship ( might i add his dad along with the rest of their huge family loves me its just his mom and sister that i have the issue with) , and yes i understand some things may not really be my business, but when they pass away and have thoundsands of dollars in debt who do you think is going go be responsible for it? His sister that doesnt have a penny saved ? Ya didnt think so, the financial burden will fall onto my boyfriend and our future family, so im sorry for worrying about my future, and again ya she can spend her money how she wants but when she blows all her money from her summer job before the summer is even over and year after year comes to her brother begging to borrow money because shes broke and has her cc maxed.. You think she will magically become good with managing her finances when she is never forced to grow up ? No didnt think so either. And ya im all for staying at home while going to school and bettering your education, it just makes sense for most people financially, but she is almost done now and has no intentions of moving out anytime soon, did i mention that when it cMe to school when my boyfriend got accepted into his program, the funds his family had saved for them hAd been used by his sister because his parents didnt split it 50/50? How is it fair to give one child upwards of 20 grand or more to help her go to school (and waste it changing her mind multiple times) and tell the other one sorry your sister used it all you have to pay for it yourself? Oh right its not. And yes i get it lifes hard, and expensive , shit happens but there is no excuse to not have their house paid off, his dad is a pharmacist and his mom had a good paying job all her life as well , houses were cheap back then and its not like its some big fancy house its small and wouldnt be more then probably 300 in todays market (just because it is just recently become a popular areA) and they have been living in the same place since they got married they didnt have fancy stuff or take lots of trips and they didnt have kids till they were into their 40s, at their incomes there is 0 reason for them to still owe money.My parents made much less then they did at the time and are younger and had our old house paid off by the time we in double digit birthdays, and now not even 10 years at my new house and it again is almost paid off. You can think i am just being some jealous brat, but my boyfriend feels the same way as i do, we talk about it all the time but his mom refuses to listen to what he has to say and disregards his feelings so he has given up trying to change anything because she is set in her ways and refuses to understand we are our own people, dating in the 21st century .
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 July 2016):
You are very judging and critical off his family, and I can see why they might not like you, you should not judge other people, especially if this is the man you want to marry, you should be trying to be kind and considerate to his family, you need to try and get on with them, not criticize what they are doing.
You say you got on well with them in the beginning, my guess here is that you where the new girlfriend and you tried hard to be nice to them and get on with them, however now you feel you are in a long term relationship with him, it is almost like all respect has been lost for his family. Which if you are wanting to marry this boy well then you will regret some day, because they are his family, and he will never disown them for you.
You are quick to judge his sister, who is living at home and is attending school. Therefore if her parents want to pay her living expenses that is there choice, you should not be judging them. That is there private business, if she wants to buy clothes and make up for herself well then good for her, if she is at school she probably doesn't have a huge income, therefore it is good to see she pays for her own clothing ect. Don't judge her like that, it makes you come across as jealous that she has a big wardrobe. Again judging her relationship is quite an immature thing for you to do, a promise ring? Just an added expense when they are both at school. Maybe they have real feelings for each other and don't need materialistic things to prove there feelings, also good for him going and getting himself an education, he is thinking of his future, if she wants to live at home until she is 30 again her and her parents choice, why do you care? Calling your boyfriends sister nuts and obsessive, well no wonder his family don't like you. Who are you to judge her on what friends she has or obsessions? OP you are sounding like a spoilt jealous brat am afraid. Shame on you if she does have OCD and other mental issues, people should support others, not bring them down, especially when there mental health plays a part of it, you really need to change your attitude or you will be the one living a very lonely life. You need to mature a lot more for your age and don't judge people, it is not a nice thing to do. I agree with his parents if they did not want you together under there roof, and I also agree with you that you are both adults so you should be able to sleep over at your house as long as your parents are happy. Some parents can be old fashioned, but you respect there wishes so that is good. Maybe his sister found it hard to adjust to the new settings because of her OCD. Helping her adjust instead of judging her would have been a much better approach.
Many people have a mortgage on there home in there 60s who are you to judge them? Again very immature and shallow of you. I do agree that it is unfair his mum taking money from him without asking, it would be much better if she set up an amount to take from him every week for food, accomadation and bills. But again this is between your boyfriend and his mother, nothing to do with you. You telling him what to do is controlling and none of your business really. Again it is your boyfriends decision what party he goes to and you should not make him feel guilty, allow him to choose, I think you should go to your grans and him go to his mothers separately, or maybe you could both agree to do half and half. OP you really do need to respect his family more you are being way to selfish. I know your boyfriend loves you, but one day he will get fed up if you don't change your attitude. It should not be a battle.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 July 2016):
You are constantly slating them, OP.
His parents are in their 60s and haven't paid off their mortgage.... That's none of your business and you may also find yourself in that situation because life is expensive.
His sister has an overflowing closet.... Also none of your business and you have no reason to judge.
There's no ring on his sister's finger after 6 years.... To some, a promise ring is pointless because it's another ring to buy, when they're happy to wait for an engagement ring - they're still very young! It's also none of your business.
She has no friends other than her boyfriend, your brother and her cousin.... What a horrible thing to judge, OP - especially if she has mental health problems. So what? Her brother, boyfriend and cousin don't seem to mind, why do you?
She only pays for her make-up and clothes.... Also none of your business how her parents want her to help them; she's in school and unemployed, maybe that's their deal: no rent, *if* she's in school.
She's obsessed with her cousin.... How so? What makes it your place to make that assumption?
They are *not* "psychos", OP - it's *extremely* rude of you to say that about someone. Nobody is perfect, but you've got your own personality faults to work on, like using "psycho" to describe someone just because they do things differently to you!
There are more judgements in your post - they may all be true, to some extent, but you judge them harshly/unfairly and that's a bad trait to have, particularly when you're planning to marry into this family, at some point.
If your boyfriend, not you, isn't happy with this situation, *he* needs to talk to his family. Your opinion of them isn't that important because they're not your family and most of it isn't your business or your place to comment on. I know that may sound harsh, but your whole post is pretty harsh on his family.
If your boyfriend hasn't brought this up and it's only you that has the issue, drop it or consider finding a boyfriend who's family fit your ideas of what a family should be like.
Also, you can't "make" people see stuff that bothers you, should bother them, if it doesn't.
My boyfriend's family are completely different to mine and they were even abusive and neglectful during his childhood, so I know what it's like to feel unsure of your partner's family - *however*, they raised the person you love. He loves and accepts them, so you should at least accept them too and not try to change them.
You're young and it comes naturally to judge, even as more mature adults, but you have to correct yourself because it's not your place.
When you stop judging, the issue will go away because it works for their family, just not for you. The other solution is if your boyfriend is bothered by this, he can talk to them, but only if he's bothered by it *without* you telling him why he "should" be bothered by it and what he "should" do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2016): This does all sound such an unhealthy balance in the family, and they've probably never had it questioned or see anything unusual in what they're like because they've stayed in this little bubble.
Unfortunately you cannot make them see sense. The sister has made sure his parents have a bad opinion of you and so nothing you say or do will result in anything other than more drama.
This is up to your bf. If he can sincerely see there are issues, then he gets a back bone and actually stands up to his family. It sounds like he is being weak and passive about all of this. To you, he agrees with what you say and then he goes home and just agrees with what his family say.
My advice would be for you to step back and not be involved in anything. Let your bf know that you're not happy being made out to be some evil new gf when all you want is the best quality of life for him. It is up to him to address his family issues, you'll be there for him but you won't he involved. His sister sounds incredibly immature - I'm 3 years older than her and left home at 18, so I don't get it when people stay sponging off their parents at all. Options for your bf could be leaving home himself or sitting down and making the family have a discussion. If he moved out, he could just look for a room to rent in a shared household. This would be less expensive than looking for a place of his own and he is then free of their rule. He would also have to learn to cook and clean for himself (you would have to he very careful about not stepping in and doing this for him - hence why it's probably not a good idea to move in together until he has had some experience of life by himself. You end up becoming the replacement mother figure otherwise).
You probably have some thinking to do about whether you actually want to carry on having your relationship challenged in this way. A heart to heart discussion about how this is leaving you feeling might be necessary and perhaps a break in the relationship to allow him the time to sort his life out and you the break of dealing with it all. Might just shock him into action if he thinks you've begun to slip away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2016): "How can i make them see that they need to let him grow up without making things worse.."
Sorry, but you can't "make" anyone do anything that they wouldn't be inclined to do otherwise.
And in any event you aren't going to convince people who consider you an interloper who is trying to alienate them for their son/brother's affections to change just to please you, especially when they are content with the way things are. You can cry and whine and rant and be self-righteous all you want but that's not going to do anything other than piss them off even further and make them hate you even more.
It also seems boyfriend doesn't seem to be making much effort to get out from under his parents' control because it affords him a rather cushy lifestyle: a place to live, housekeeping and meal service at no expense to him.
As the old saying goes, marry him and you marry the family. If you can envision a future of putting up with hostile, pushy, smothering, interfering, insufferable in-laws then that's your choice but be very, very, very, VERY aware that his relationship with his parents isn't going to change until HE wants it to change and HE takes the necessary steps to put some distance between them and him and HE chooses to act like an adult which is unlikely to happen any time soon, if at all.
And if it comes down to you issuing an ultimatum to choose between his girlfriend and his family, guess who's going to win? (Hint: it won't be the girlfriend).
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