A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:My other half and I will have been together 2 years this November. These 2 years have been very hard for us, when we first met we were both quite heavy into drugs, I cheated twice and he would lie to me and ditch me to go to raves. I got told plenty of times by everyone to finish with him or he would end up making me insecure etc. But I stuck at it. About 10 months ago I stopped the drugs n started sorting myself out, he kept on going the way he was. I recently moved back to my mums from living with him and said I was leaving him until he was off the drugs and sorting himself out. He has been off all drugs since then and I am seeing him a couple times a week. Since taking time away from him I have realised that I HAVE become insecure, mostly with out relationship. I am scared that he is looking at porn, I recently found some on his pc but he denies it. I also found some pictures on his phone ages ago which he also somehow tries to deny. Every time we argue he calls me names and says we are over. I am also paranoid about his ex girlfriend, she's the perfect goody two shoes whereas I'm the paranoid moaning b*tch! I feel I have a right to be insecure and he isn't doing anything to stop me feeling that way. I don't want to be insecure and I try to keep it under control. He says the reason I'm insecure is all my fault, maybe me cheating at the beginning and putting stuff up my nose hasn't helped but it's also the things he says, what he doesn't do and he wont own up!!We both love eachother, want to be with eachother but sometimes I feel he doesn't because at the end of the day if you loved someone why would you say horrible things and twist everything round onto the loved one to get all blame off yourself?!He says I'm insecure, yes I am, and why is that?!!I wish I could erase these passed 2 years and start fresh with him. I can't imagine my future without him, things with us are starting to look so much brighter but theres still some mess he wont acknowledge as his own fault. He's agreed to see a couple therapist with me, what else can I do.?I know I may be repeating myself but I know for a fact he has been looking at porn and he makes up rediculas lies! He actually says things and manipulates me (it seems) He threatens to break up with me if I don't shut up about my worries. And somehow he always manages to get me to say sorry at the end of an argument, even when I have nothing to be sorry for. He is very clever at manipulating people, I think he does it even without realising. And it seems he wont do someone a favour unless he's got something to gain from it! I supose I feel that he's being like this with me because he thinks I deserve it. And from what I know, when he was with his ex he didn't treat her like that, yeah he lied to her about drugs but that's it! How can I make him realise that if he helps stop my insecurities I will be able to give him more in our relationship. help!
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drugs, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, porn Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, celiaaletta  +, writes (15 October 2009):
To be honest, you shouldn't be minding his porn watching period.
He has essentially forgiven you cheating on him TWICE, don't you think you should loosen up about his porn viewing?
This is all too self-righteous of you considering the fact that you cheated on him TWICE.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your replies [=
Is hard to see things from another point of view until someone points it out to you!
I love him to pieces and I know he loves me just as much, we both want to get everything out in the open and sort our differences. I'm going to get therapy and focus on getting myself and my insecurities sorted. He is going to stay focused on getting back on track and keeping off the drugs. And together we are going to take more notice of eachothers needs and feelings and try to communicate alot better!!
I have been reading 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' by John Gray and have found that incredibly helpful, I have tried applying it when with my boyfriend and theres already some improvement in our communications! Once I have finished reading it my boyfriend says he would also like to read it!!
He says he had forgiven me a long time ago for cheating, to be honest though I think right now I'm about 80% forgiven. I don't think I mind him looking at a bit of porn now and again, but I really do have an issue with him looking at pictures of girls posing for the camera, and I'm waiting for when we see eachother next to explain this to him. Then all I can do is trust he wont look at them again!
I'm quietly confident things will work out for us, it just needs some time, effort and trust!
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A
female
reader, celiaaletta +, writes (14 October 2009):
"I cheated twice..."
I'm lost.
Considering that you cheated on him and had sex with two other people during your relationship, shouldn't he be the insecure one?
His porn watching doesn't justify your cheating on him nor does it equate.
I believe him telling you to "shut up" is because you are being incredibly hypocritical.
Stop placing the blame on him for the way that you feel. You did very wrong by him and quite frankly, what do you expect from him after what you did?
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (14 October 2009):
 You deserve to be very proud of yourself for getting off drugs and turning your life around.
Your relationship was one of two drug addicts, that is not a real relationship the only relationship you both had was with your drugs.
Your friend there is still in recovery, and he doesn't sound like he is doing that well. He is playing all sorts of mind games with you and of course that will make you feel insecure with your relationship. What that should tell you is something about him. He is not the right person for you. You may have never chosen him in the first place had you been sober. He is going to drag you back down and I think personally you should tell him to not contact you again.
If you are going to rid your life of drugs and alchohol, you really need to stay away from dating former addicts, or addicts in recovery because they will more than likely relapse at some point....and so can you if you surround yourself with the very demeaons you are trying to fight.
I think you need to go to therapy by yourself. I think your therapist will tell you the same thing I am suggesting, even if you go as a couple, I think they will recommend that you two don't see each other.
But it is your life after all.
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A
female
reader, OmShantih +, writes (14 October 2009):
 As hard as it is and as much as you want too, you can not fix him. You can't heal him and you can't change him. Only he can do that. I know its probably not what you want to hear but my honest advice is....Walk away. You have done so well to get your life back on track that you deserve so much better!
Maybe going to counselling will help, But he can only help himself at the end of the day and it sounds like he has alot of issue to sort out before he can commit to being in a healthy balanced relationship.
I wish you all the best!
Love and light
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