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How can I keep this relationship going?

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Question - (6 May 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year and we live together at the beginning of our relationship it was the best kind of relationship we always did things together we went every where together there was never a boring moment. But now its a whole different story. We never do anything together unless it's grocery shopping. We don't go to movies or do anything a normal couple would do. I'm 21 and he's 22 I feel like I have a relationship of a 50 year old couple. Also I feel like we only have a relationship in doors. When we are out in public we don't hold hands or non of that. He does everything with his friends and his brother and when he had a girl best friend he done a lot of things with her. But with me he says he don't know what to do with me and he says I'm boring. On always the one who has to pick what we do or where we go. I get that we are two different people but even people who are different have things in common they like to do. How can I keep this relationship going if we never do anything besides sit at home.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 May 2014):

Honeypie agony auntIt almost sounds like you are expecting him to make ALL the moves.

Why not say, hey let's go see Godzilla on the 13th or whichever movie. Or, I don't feel like cooking like go to Olive Garden (or where ever) INITIATE going out and doing things. I know you already feel like YOU always have to pick what you are doing,but you can either DO that or sit at home and look a the walls.

It also seems like you two are stagnating. You are living together so HE feels like he doesn't have to put forth an effort with you, because he is already living with you. He has people whom he does he "out of the house" fun with and for whatever reason YOU aren't included in that. I find that odd. WHY aren't you invited when he goes out and do things with his friends? Do YOU not have friends that YOU hang out with too?

And I agree with Auntie Cindy. He likes the domesticity. It's CONVENIENT to have a live in GF, you have someone to share the boring things like chores, shopping, cooking with and ready and available sex partner.

ARE you sure you WANT to keep this relationships going? Sounds like it's not really that great of a "deal" for you.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (7 May 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Why do you WANT to keep it going if you have nothing to do but sit at home together ?... I get that maybe you'd have things you'd like to do with him ... but if he does not reciprocate,if he's not willing to try?.... you can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink.

I think unluckily he told you in rather plain words: he's bored. You are very young for living together, and living together so soon. That is what often happens, playing house sounds so cool and new and exciting at the beginning, right ?,... then it gets stale and repetitive and unexciting. He likes the domesticity, the convenience, and the sexual " easy reach " ( and the free maid service in case you cook and clean for him ) ... but , for entertainment and fun, he privileges other people . That's why I think it's always a good idea to test mutual compatibility ( which includes the ability of spending time together with relish and satisfaction ) over a consistent time ( not just few months ) before shacking up together." At the beginning ... " At the beginning, ALL relationships are exciting and intense and entertaining.

Of course you could try talking to him, and explain him that if he wants to keep your relationship going, you need to build ( or rebuild ) more togetherness, more intimacy and not just physical. He should agree to the experiment of putting on the back burner his friends and other social committments, and be with you in a new way, tryng new things, like taking a trip together , or taking a class together, or playing a sport together , etc.etc.

But, will he WANT to do it, honestly I don't know. He sounds as he's fine the way things are, bro and friends for entertainment, and wifey at home for practical reasons.

In this case, I'd try to move on with as little bitterness as possible, and to take it as a lesson learned. You say that you are VERY different persons ( I suppose in personality but also in tastes ? ) and it's not living together that makes two persons more similar ...

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2014):

malvern agony auntMost relationships are wonderful at first no matter how old or how young you are. It's very exciting getting to know somebody but sadly we can soon begin to realise that life isn't so wonderful once the excitement has died down. That's when we really get to know each other. You seem to have reached that stage.

You are both still young and your boyfriend clearly does not yet have the maturity or commitment to keep your relationship going. It would be best to end your relationship now before it goes any worse. If you remain friends then maybe one day you may be able to get back together again.

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