A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ive been with my husband now for 7 years, his son and my 3 children live with us. his son consistently steals from us all (its more me and the other children than his dad) it is anything up to 5 times a week. He steals money, food, takes stuff out of bins and hides it to either play with or use another time.Time and time again he lies and does nothing he is asked. dont get me wrong, the other 3 children are not angels, they do wrong too, but they dont steal or lie, we can at least trust them and what they say.This is making my health worse and also is making my husbands health bad too now. He wont listen to reason, he pays no attention to punishment. we dont smack him or strike him but we do tell him off when he does wrong and he has stuff taken away from him when he steals or lies.He is now 14 but this has been going on for years, ever since i met him for definite, and apparently he was doing it before then too, ive recently found out. I really dont know what to do to help him. My main worry is the effect this is having on the family as a whole, but its also worrying me how he is heading. i cant see any other way except that hes gonna end up in prison when he gets older.The other children look at how he behaves (one is older than him, other is older) and they cant believe what he does and how he treats people. They also have asked how he can do all that and "get away with it" (he doesnt but all they see is him consistently doing this and that he isnt stopping).Apart from beating the hell outta him,is there anything any of you can suggest as im open to all suggestions, cos quite honestly i cant carry on like this much longer.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): My 10 year old boy steals and lies but not all the time. He stole a phone from his mum he had it for about a year but then we found it in his room. We were angry at him and very disaponted we did not hit him but he was upset and he was saying sorry non stop and said he felt gillty but we don't know if he was lying or not he could of been angry that we found it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): I can relate and maybe help...this problem stems from the child's need for love and attention from his Dad. Anger and frustration from being pushed off to the side in favor of a new wife and children has brought this young boy pain, which is causing him to "act out". Physical punishment will not help the situation. He needs alone time with his Dad, and nothing you can do for him will even come close satisfying this need (soryy, no offense). You had no way of knowing it would turn out this way--after all, you probably figured that you are a kind and loving woman...why wouldn't your mothering be enough. It's just not. So tell his father to stop being a lazy SOB and take the boy fishing or hiking on a regular basis, so the rest of you can have some peace. Take care dear.
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A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 All I get from you is that you are obsessed in targeting his son and it must stem from the fact he is not yours and he poses a threat to you.
I feel for this kid. You are on him constantly, faulting him, watching his every move for a slip up. No wonder he self destructs.
You either work to treat him as one of your own, get him some counselling. And have Dad reassure him that he loves him still.
You are making him feel unwanted and like an outsider. You think maybe that is why he is acting out?
Get yourself some individual counselling.
And I better hear in your next post that you are acting like a responsible, loving, compassionate adult and Mother and that he is getting counselling, and is doing something constructive, something he wants be it Martial Arts, swimming, or soccer. That he gets one on one time with you and one on one time with Dad.
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A
female
reader, avie +, writes (15 February 2008):
im sorry to here about your son ,it brings back memorys of one of my daughters i had five children four of them were normal children but my second eldest was just like your son at the time there was no answer for her problem then .to cut a long story short, she had a son whom she could not cope with and left him with me in the years he gre up he was showing signs like his mother so i seeked advice. It was a long process but eventually the answer was adhd. So my advice is seek medical help first before you deprive him of anything as it could be a disorder he has that he himself can't control ,medication has worked wonderes on my grandson and is a happy normal boy now . i only wish they knew when my daughter was like him they knew what adhd ment then . i hope this message helps you in some way .and hope you find a solution so you can be a happy family again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): With me, you should stop talking about his problems to his father, your husband right now. Every country has different cultures but the human characteristics are so so the same. If you countinue your husband may think that he is not your son and you did not love him in real, you hate him and he may accuse you in all troubles with this child. I am in this stuff too and i do it everyday. I do not want to talked with my husband now and i feel that my love to my husband going less. But it is helpful to keep us far from arguing now. And with your husband's son, i think he does not like you, he does not like another child, maybe he does this to try to make you mad and show himself or his right at his father house...I could not write more because of my English is not good. God save you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsince i wrote about this problem, i have read your advice and taken on board what people have said to me. if he does well, i do praise him (which ive always done), he has already had everything taken from him that he can have, and still hes doing it all.Only yesterday he was caught red handed looking through his stepbrothers belongings, and even then he tried to deny it.we have found out today also, that he has not been telling us he has homework from school again, even though we have asked him every night if he has home work. he has not been writing it in his homework diary from school, and the school have failed to tell us till now that he has not been doing it.I have contacted the school and have asked for his teacher to look into it and to call us back, which he has not done.I will wait till monday and await his call, if i dont get a call by lunchtime, i will call the school again and ask to speak to him directly. I cant get to the school unaided, as i am pretty much housebound, so i rely on the phone a lot.anyway thats the update for now, thanks for your help everyone, i do appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (16 November 2007):
Some counselling is in order. Perhaps this is disorder related. A therapist can run some tests and speak to him to figure out if it is disorder related.
It also sounds like some behaviour modification is in order. This may mean taking away computer privalages, tv privalages, taking tv, stereo, IPOD out of his room.
Do you ever praise him when he is caught doing something right?
Spend some one on one time with him once a week? Talk to him? How about family time, games, meetings, movie night?
The laws say we are only required to provide the bare minimum of food, clothing, shelter. Sometimes a bed, and clothes is all a kid needs to be reminded just how good he has it. Then he earns back a dresser and what not through good behaviour.
Of course there is no point in starting any of this unless you and husband will be diligent and consistant.
Again, speaking to a psychologist about your concerns and visits will pinpoint exactly what is going on and what can be done to 'fix' the current contention in your home and life.
Home should be a haven where family members come home to recharge-a safe and loving environment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): so sorry about your problem which I also suffer withmy s son is 13 and lives with us full time.He has stolen money, cigs, alcohol, food, trinkets, anything basically ! he has stolen from me since I met him and stayed over for the 1st time four years ago, he stole from his dad, my mum, his grandparents, (his grandad is 94!!)his sister and his friends and school.We have now involved the police and social services who are putting him through a youth intervention programme, as he will most certainly end up in prison.It has nearly destroyed my relationship with his father and have thought about leaving him and just getting the hell away from the kid, I can honestly say I dont like the child. It may be that you need to get outside help, it may make him realise how bad things can get if he continues?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): What on earth does your husband say about this? Where is this child's bio mother? I would suggest telling your husband he needs to find immediate counselling for this child. You should also take away from this child anything that brings him joy. It will teach him what it is like to have something taken from him. If he does not improve, perhaps he should go and live with his mother given she is in the picture. Sorry to say, but you are not his bio mom and you have a responsibility of keeping you home healthy and happy for your own children.
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (2 October 2007):
 BTW, I forgot to add. These new rules/consequences must be House Rules. Of course your kids aren't going to break them, but if for some reason they do, you need to follow through with the required punishment. It has to be consistent and seen to be fair.
You probably want to set this up with a general family meeting, and outline that (1) there have been some problems, (2) these are the resulting rules, (3) these are the consequences for not following these rules, and (4) [if you want] here are the safes for keeping your stuff safe. Mom and Dad have keys, if you lose yours, and as long as you don't give us any reason to need to go in there, we will stay out. Don't mention what "the problems" have been, just move forward.
As much as possible, the consequences should be related -- stealing something should mean replacing it, etc.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (2 October 2007):
What you do depends a lot on how much your husband is willing/able to do. You must provide a united front or you become the evil step-mother and he'll just ignore you. Does his dad at least agree that there is a problem?
First, stop yelling at him. It isn't working; he just tunes you out. Then let him know that there will be definite punishments for certain behaviors (come up with a list with your spouse). Dishonesty should carry the worst punishment; you need to be able to believe him (which you don't).
THEN FOLLOW THROUGH. Consistency is seriously important. There have to be consequences for his actions, and they have to be the same every time. Your husband will have to be the heavy here; it's his son.
I would also think about some kind of counseling for him, and for you since it's affecting your health.
Finally, when my step-sister was stealing, my sister purchased a safe for her room. You might make sure that you and your spouse have one for money and other valuables, and that some kind is available for each of your children (him included) for their "important" things. (You of course will have a spare key to the children's safes).
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (2 October 2007):
 Let me ask you this. Aside from punishment for his behavior, have you attempted any other methods to solve this. The list of behaviors you provided match a few different psychological disorders such as "defiance disorder", and "antisocial behavioral disorder." The mainly show up in children, but if untreated can cause the problems as an adult, which prison would be more probable. These behaviors include a low self esteem as well, which partially describes the lying. Imagine living with this belief yourself "if i try I'm not good enough,so why try." or "everyone looks at me as a bad child, so why do anything to improve."
Some children also have a difficult time with divorce and blended families. If your husband's separation was a difficult one, these behaviors can begin to develop.
I would highly recommend taking him to a doctor for a proper diagnosis. Normally with these disorders medication is not required, but some form of behavioral therapy may be. In a way it's like retraining what's right and what's wrong, and teaching him to own the behavior and consequences of his actions, also getting him to realize what the affects of this behavior does to others.
I think with the proper treatment he will learn to stop this destructive behavior. I wish you guys luck, take care.
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