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How can I hide from my husband that I'm not a virgin

Tagged as: Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 February 2011) 11 Answers - (Newest, 20 February 2011)
A female Northern Mariana Islands age 18-21, anonymous writes:

im not virgin and im going to married in 1 year and so how can i hide from my husband

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (20 February 2011):

Abella agony auntin the Western culture very few men are virgins on the wedding night. But most women all over the world understand that the concept VIRGIN is a very big deal to men.

Truth is important.

But for those women living in a culture where, even if they were raped, it is the woman who will be vilified if it turns out that she is not a virgin - then to those women I completely understand why portraying themselves as a virgin can save their lives.

We live in a world community. But in some communities it is still the women who bear the brunt of abuse over virgin versus non virgin.

So in those cultures, a woman has to do what a woman has to do, to survive.

once you tell one person your secret it is no longer a secret.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011):

I was a bona fide completely utterly totally virgin bride. Totally, everything intact. Never even had a previous boy touched my breasts nor any other part of me. My husband represented my first kiss, my first everything.

so i may understand your culture more than you think.

So imagine my hurt on our wedding night when, because i enjoyed it so much, i was accused of not being a virgin?

That certainly shook the shine off the evening.

I knew i was a virgin, completely.

why, i asked him would he say that. I was very upset.

Because , he said, you were too enthusiastic and you knew too much and you were too good.

And so you can avoid what i went through i am happy to answer your question. Yes, if i was able to be a convincing non-virgin (unintentionally i assure you) then it is just as fair if i can take you through the steps to be a convincing virgin.

Pre-amble first;

to hide it from your husband implies that you either live in a culture than is very non accepting a woman who is not a virgin, such that your reputation could be questioned once the truth was out and this would make your life hell

Or if you live in a culture where you could be arrested and punished if the truth was out and that is just too scary to contemplate

or your husband is very judgmental and might reject you if he knew. Not a good situation for you.

Is there any chance the man who took your virginity might tell? If that man does not live in your own community then you may be able to get away with not telling your husband.

By the way you will have to keep up the virgin act for a while as a virgin slowly learns to be a non-virgin. She must not learn too quickly. She must hide how smart she is and what a quick learner she is.

To act like a virgin:

Be very shy. Keep your eyes down. Do not look people in the face. Speak softly. Get embarassed easily. Giggle a liitle in a nervous way, but not tooo much. Never have strong opinions, at least not until later after you are married. Act very modest. Cover up. Look away embarassed at anything sexual. Do not show any understanding if anyone says something suggestive.

Do not get excited (yet) about anything sexual. Look a little skittish and frightened if your fiance gets a little tooo forward with you. Initiate nothing sexual with your fiance.

After you are married let your husband take the lead in all things sexual (at first - at least for first 6 months)

Ask your husband questions, and in a hesitant voice. Show curiosity about his equipment by a wide eyed stare, but do not reach to touch it, let him be the guiding master of ceremonies.

During sex do try to keep a handle on your abilities such as contracting your vaginal muscles very tight, as you should not be very good at that yet as a virgin.

Do not admit to knowing any dirty words. You can admit only to what your mother has told you. Do make it clear that you use tampons during menstration. Tampons are strong enough to break a hymen, but you are still a virgin as only a tampon has entered your vagina.

As a virgin you know nothing about masterbation.

As a virgin you have never heard of any dirty words.

You only know the medical words from a book in the library (make sure there is such a book in the library) thus you can only use the words penis, scrotum and vagina. Your husband will have to teach you all the other words. You know of no sexual positions except what you have seen (couples kissing) in films. Though you do know that couples go to bed. The concept that couples would make love anywhere other than in bed has not occurred to you. You have never seen porn and do not know what it is.

Your husband will have to teach you step by step. When he does teach you something you can praise him and tell him how exciting it is that he teaches you something new every time. You will need to shyly as him for plenty of advice (and not just on sexual matters - but on everything)

Such as 'will you show me?''what do i do?' before he starts making love. And during making love.

Do not yet get too orgasmic, hold it in a bit, you are slowly discovering your sexuality. Even if you feel great excitement, i am very sorry to say that you will have to hold it in. If you are fully orgasmic and very over excited he will suspect you are not a virgin.

Wide eyed surprise and slightly dazed, 'what was that?' even a little confused, worried &was i doing it right?' is better to get the virin look across.

You can act coy. Stick close to him. Treat him as your very important protector,

You will also act extraordinarily proud around him. Afterall his has brought the most extraordinary pleasure that you never imagined existed to your life. You can even be a little smug and very satisfied if a female relative asks (do not tell much) just have a very happy very satisfied face and look a bit dreamy, and say 'he's wonderful'

There you are a fully fledged virgin.

PS if you want to RUIN your life then tell him the truth - but I do not reccommend that you tell. Keep it to yourself.

And never never ever teach another woman how to be a virgin. be pious. Follow your religion. Pious women were all virgins on their wedding night (smiles)

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A male reader, truelover India +, writes (20 February 2011):

truelover agony auntTo the OP,

If this might be something important to your husband-to-be, disclosing this upfront will allow you to know right away if this is a deal-breaker & allow both of you to find more suitable partners. Hiding the truth in this case, would not only be dishonest to your spouse, it would cause your relationship to have a foundation of dishonesty (one that might make you feel guilty & apprehensive of the truth coming to light)...& such a relationship could unravel anytime (These matters have several ways of revealing themselves no matter how hard you might try to keep them buried.)

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A male reader, firstlovelastlove Canada +, writes (19 February 2011):

firstlovelastlove agony auntHow would you feel if you were him? Why would you want to hide from him? Maybe you might want to find someone else to marry who you don't have to "hide from". There will be someone who loves you for who you are, insecurities and everything. There is no one who is perfect for everyone but there is someone who is perfect for you.

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A female reader, OhGetReal United States +, writes (19 February 2011):

OhGetReal agony auntWhat were the circumstances in which you lost your virginity? Were your forced or was it with a past boyfriend? You need to be honest with your future husband...as you can't hide not being a virgin, but you can deny that you aren't. Do you think your husband is a very controlling person? If so why would you want to spend your life being controlled. I don't know anything about your culture or the expectations surrounding that about marriage, so it is very difficult to relate perhaps, but in my country, being honest about this and gaining your future husband's acceptance is important for the future health of the relationship.

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A female reader, Reggina7 United Kingdom +, writes (19 February 2011):

You guys, in some cultures virginity is considered a huge deal. Women resort to all shorts of desperate measures as in some cases it is not just their honor that is at stake but possibly their lives. Some even have surgery to restore the hymen. Of course in a normal context such a lie makes no sense whatsoever but I get the impression this question may have to do more with fear rather than deception. If that were the case I wish I could help. All I can say is that not all women bleed when they lose their virginity and the husband should become aware of this fact and if the op chooses to lie to prtotect herself so be it, she'll just have to stick to her guns no matter what. I wish I had something more constructive to say, good luck op

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011):

He has no way of knowing unless you get nervous and he suspects you;re lying.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (19 February 2011):

chigirl agony auntWhy do you need to hide from your future husband that you are not a virgin? What sort of relationship do you have with him at the moment?

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A female reader, MissVee Australia +, writes (19 February 2011):

You can try to lie about it by using the old "horse riding broke my hymen" or "just naturally broke during sports/gymnastics/whatever", which can happen... but what if skeletons decide to one day emerge from the closet and say otherwise? One little lie that is found out can sometimes unravel the trust in a relationship to the point where the divorce court beckons.

Sometimes it's best to be truthful. If this man loves you, he will stay with you. If not, there are millions of awesome men in the world.

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A male reader, popeye_loves-cuspi United Kingdom +, writes (19 February 2011):

OP, why would you want to hide it from him? Does he not want to marry and be with someone for who they are, or does he want a virgin..?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011):

If he wants to marry a virgin and you lie to him, down the line this is going to cause trouble.

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