A
female
age
41-50,
*oo's Mum
writes:HI Aunts and UnclesI've just had a close cousin diagnosed with advanced liver cancer. He is only 46 and we are all pretty devastated about this diagnosis. His father (my uncle) died 3 years ago from complications with his lungs. His death hit the family pretty hard particulary my Aunty and I'm so worried for her now over how she will cope with also losing her son. What sort of things help people in this situation? What are the best things to say and do to show your support and help where you can?
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (5 October 2010):
Moo's Mum is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi Tisha and Denimandlace
Thank you both so much for your replies it really helps to talk about it with other people apart from your family. The funeral is tomorrow (Thursday the 7th Oct) so it will be a very sad day. I was talking to one of his sisters last night and we were laughing about things we both remember from our childhoods about Wazza it was lovely to remember those things about him amongst the sadness. He was a lover of life so we can take that lesson from him to live it to the fullest!
Thank you both for your kind words it means a lot.
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 I just want to say to you Moo's Mum...I too am sorry for your loss. I have lost my dad at 52...and a young cousin at 16. It IS much harder than losing a grandparent. There is the feeling of a life cut short. It seem's so unfair. Such a tragedy. But in families which are close like yours seems to be, there are those shared memories, a history of laughter and wonderful memories. There is the gift of a life well lived. Take comfort in that. Don't be afraid to laugh, and talk and relive good times. Don't feel guilty if you find yourself smiling. That is a wonderful way to remember your beloved cousin. And don't be embarrassed to cry. There will be so many emotions you will experience in the coming days.
And most of all after the funeral, stay in touch. I found that the days after the funeral are the hardest. The days when everyone goes home. So send a card or make a phone call here and there.
Again, my heart goes out to you and your family.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 October 2010):
 Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose someone, especially when they had so much living still to do, for themselves and their family. I do so hate cancer.
Let's all take a moment to appreciate the blessings we have in our lives, and to remember those who have passed. My condolences to you and your family.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (4 October 2010):
Moo's Mum is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought I'd let you guys know that my cousin died yesterday. Can't believe that in July we thought he had gallstones and now he's dead. Life is such a fragile thing. I'm glad he's no longer suffering but oh what a terrible thing for us all. He was the very best of men.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (4 July 2010):
Moo's Mum is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha you are so right. I rang my Aunty and we had a phone call of crying, laughing and crying again. It was great to talk to her and realise that I couldn't really say the wrong thing if I was honest about everything I felt. She thanked me for phoning and said that she's really grateful for the family's love she can feel. She asked me not to ring my cousin yet as he just wants to be alone with his wife and precious cats for a while so I am going to wait a week and then travel up to Christchurch to see him. I can see we are all going to cry a lot more yet but we will get there in then end. Thank you all so much for your answers and support this is the first time I have lost a young relative. I have said goodbye to grandparents which was also terribly sad but they were in their 90's and had had great amazing lives. Losing someone young makes you question everything.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 July 2010):
I agree with C. Grant. People tend to run for the hills when there is a devastating diagnosis like the one your cousin had, simply because they don't know what to say. I think for the most part, the family will want as much normality as possible. Obviously, you can't be making long term plans with your cousin, but he's not dead yet, so don't treat him as if he is.
Think support, love, humor, memories, positive energy and put those and anything else I've left out into your voice and your body and just project them onto this devastated family. They need love and comfort, privacy if that's their way, as much joy as you can send their way.
Get in there, call your Aunty, say your words, she'll know there's love and care behind them, no matter how lame you think you sound. Talk to your cousin too.
Don't be afraid. They are facing much worse than you, and they don't need any more fear there, right? If they can face this, the most dreadful of diagnoses, then you can certainly face them.
Love, support, comfort, joy.
To you and your family, best wishes.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 Yes, by all means call him. One reason people hate to share this sort of news is that they cease be seen as people. They're 'victims' or 'cancer sufferers', not Bill or Jane anymore. And you'll get some useful direction from him as to how he wants people to deal with it.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (2 July 2010):
Moo's Mum is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. Was just talking to my Mum who has been talking to my aunty and now the news is even worse. He also has bowel cancer. He is not expected to live past Christmas. I think I could relieve a drought with the amount of tears I have cried. Am going to ring my Aunty today. I can't imagine being able to get much out but hopefully it will help her to talk? Should I ring him too? I'm fearful of intruding.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (2 July 2010):
When my Dad was diagnosed we spent as much time together as a family as we could. We just grabbed every second there was to be had. With liver cancer you're often reasonably fit until quite close to the end, so there's a chance for quality time. Seize it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): Spend time together. Give practical help if it is needed. Talk about it. All of these things count. There are no set answers as to what to say, just say what comes from the heart and share your sorrow together.
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