A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've recently met a girl and we have started seeing each other. It's going well and I like her a lot. She recently confided in me though that her ex boyfriend was abusive towards her. She told me that he was generally a very angry person who would hit walls and tables etc. over tiny issues and get angry and verbally abusive when she refused to have sex with him. She also told me that he hit her once (i think its happened a lot more though and she hasnt told me) and she hit him back. This resulted in him being arrested but no charges were filed in the end.Ive picked up a few little clues about other things she has gone through but again she hasn't told me much. I think it's pretty bad and has happened with more than one partner. From some other things she has said, I think she also has had a bad relationship with her father. I haven't pressed her for details on any of this, as I thought if she wants to tell me she will when she is ready (something I explained to her). Gradually she is opening up to me. My question is, how can i help her with this? I feel awful for her, she is such an amazing woman and does not deserve any of this terrible stuff that she has had to deal with. I think she has a hard time trusting me, and expects at any moment that I will let her down or turn out like her ex in some way. I want to show her that that is not going to happen, that I'm nothing like her ex. I want to give her all the help and support I can. I've never dealt with anything like this before though. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2019): She needs therapy.She was abused.She will never get over it without help.I hope you are observant also of your surroundings.You really do not know the guy...He may come after you.I have a friend who stayed with a jerk like that and it took her seven years to leave him with therapy all that time.She was scared to death all the time.He used to hold a gun to her head and threaten to kill her and threaten to kill other people if she left him.She is still single because he told he he would kill anyone she dates.She has ptsd.She never had children never married.Even though she is not with him he still controls her mind.Therapy still after thirty years...He is still in her head...She is still afraid.It never goes away.Stay safe and be aware of what goes on around you because you have no idea what goes on in a crazy mans head.You have a rough road ahead I just hope you are strong enough to handle it.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 June 2019):
 Here is what you need to do: just be a good and decent person. The rest is up to her. And dont raise your voice in arguments.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 June 2019):
 Trust takes time to build. And probably longer for her because of her past.
I think you really do need to consider a few things.
1. YOU are not her ex(es) and should not be lumped in with them.
2. YOU should be "judged" on your OWN merit and behavior.
3. SHE might not really be ready for a new relationship if the past is still so vivid and looming over every man due to ONE or TWO men in her past.
4. YOU can not CONVINCE her of anything. Other than by being you. By YOUR deeds and actions.
5. If this is affecting her deeply maybe she ought to consider finding a therapist and work through it. YOU can not BE her therapist. Or FIX this for her. Accept that.
6. TRY and avoid delving in the past, hers AND yours. Build your own memories together, adventures and experiences.
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