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How can I have sex without feelings?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Health, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 January 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 8 January 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Why can’t I handle intimate relationships? When I get intimate with a man it’s like my power and common sense go away I feel so weak and vulnerable. I look at my ex”s pics on social media after a year and a half and I see him with another woman and I still get this empty pit in my stomach- my point is the moment I get intimate in a relationship I become weak? Why? Why can’t I disattach myself as it being just a sexual act and that is it - you know like - I don’t know Normal people?

I grew up in a conservative home- my mom and grandparents enforce marriage and basically not ever getting divorced but I don’t see any corelation; my mother is also not affectionate and the type

Of mother that shows she is proud of you

I don’t understand why I can’t have normal causal sex without getting attached to the person - I haven’t had many relationships as I have hung on to people for the sake of hanging on even when they act disrespectful but why?

How can I di- associate myself from this co-dependence? I get hit on a lot by man as I try to work on my looks but I just inside feel so weak and when they see this they take advantage of it .. eventually I would like to have sex again but I don’t want to feel attached


View related questions: divorce, my ex

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2018):

Your assumptions and expectations are unrealistic and frankly nonsense from the start.

No one can "enforce" marriage unless you are a child or part of a cult?

Your obsessive compulsive thought processes are creating drama and have no healthy role to play.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou wait with the sex until there is a solid foundation and a exclusive relationship.

You can't turn emotions on and off at will. That isn't "normal".

Women (more than men) tend to bond over sex. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to be "stupid" afterwards. It's OK to also use common sense and not pretend to not see bad stuff.

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A female reader, Patiently waiting85 United States +, writes (7 January 2018):

I’m thinking it’s your values and the way you where raised casual sex is not for everybody. Most women become a little stupid for love that does not make you weak! You are just human! Loveless sex is not everything wait until your in a relationship it will be worth the wait! Sn:You just have feelings for your will go away in time. Again you are human and this is not a bad thing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

You're basically asking us how not to be human. The pleasure from sex without feelings doesn't come anywhere close to intimate love making anyway. You might as well just get yourself off on your own. You haven't allowed yourself to move on from your ex.18 months is long enough. Remove him from all social media, email,phone, whatever and put yourself back in the game. It won't be easy. Get the help of a girlfriend/relative you can share your sorrow to see you through this phase or see a shrink.You're going around in circles at the moment.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (7 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThat's BS. Most people (as you put it: "normal" people) get attached during sex and can't stay emotionless.

You may need therapy to get over your ex, as well as blocking him on everything, but nobody needs to learn how to have sex without caring.

Casual sex makes most people feel empty and/or used, in the end. Get therapy, OP.

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